The Fun Police

Why is everybody trying to make the world less fun?

Seriously, everywhere you look, everything you read or hear, someone is trying to be a kill-joy. Telling people what and what not to eat. Telling kids how to play. In short, wrapping the whole fucking world in a giant anti-bacterial condom made of bubble wrap.

I was reading about a trend across the nation for school districts to ban birthday celebrations altogether, or make them more healthy. Instead of cupcakes or giant cookies, the parents are instructed to send in veggies and dip, or hummus and pita. Oh, what a joyful celebration THAT would be.

Or they are told to send non-food items, such as stickers or pencils. Talk about sucking the joy out of the day.

And don't even get me started on the peanut nazis. Peanuts and peanut butter are staples of childhood. An entire generation doesn't deserve to be deprived of the wonder of peanuts because some kid has a defective immune system.

Children don't get to play cool games or have cool toys anymore either. Can't have them having fun playing dodgeball, no siree, because one of the twenty-five kids involved in the game is the fat one curled up on the floor crying while he's mercilessly pelted with red rubber balls. (Heh. I said rubber.)

And every single toy with any merit to it has either been deemed too violent, dangerous, a choking hazard, or some such other bullshit. The war on fun continues.

And that's just the Fun Police turning kids into happiness-free little fucks. But they're not content to stop there. Nope, gotta ruin it for us grown-ups too.

I just love that when they tell us what and what not to eat, the advice is always based on the results of a government-funded study. I'm thinking they should just give the money to me, and I'll tell them for free that Big Macs make you fat.

Here's the deal. We already know what's bad for us, and we don't care. We're going to do it anyway. (Okay, there's a segment of the population that doesn't know, but they're so pathetically stupid that they don't deserve to live, so it's no loss.)

Now personally, I'm a moose of simple, yet expensive tastes. I'm easily satisfied with the best, especially if it's served to me by a nubile red-head with big tits. And I'm kind of set in my ways, so I don't see much chance of any major changes in my outlook.

I think I speak for many when I say, shut the fuck up, Fun Police, and leave us to our filet mignons, single malt Scotch, cuban cigars, and dangerous hobbies. We're not listening anyway, and even if we were, you'd never convince us that broccoli, tofu, and green tea are the keys to a joyful life.