Barack Obama

Okay, what's up with that guy? He's, like, thinking he's ready to be President.

I'd love to see somebody furry and brown like me be elected leader of the free world. Just not THAT furry and brown like me someone.

I mean, what the fuck has he done? Gave an "inspirational keynote speech" when they nominated that Kerry guy in 2004. Served a few years as a Senator. Doesn't sound all stupid when he talks, unlike all those Congressional Kennedys who suffer from alcohol-related dementia.

All that combined with a firm boot in the ass will get you a bruised ass.

At least his likely competition in the primary, Hillary, is vaguely familiar with what running the country entails, having watched her husband Bill do it with his pants around his ankles for eight years. Although her attention was mostly focused on turning the White House into a bed & breakfast, I figure something must have rubbed off.

(Speaking of rubbing off, is it just me, or is Hillary kind of like the anti-Viagra, a cold shower, and food poisoning, all rolled into one? I swear, thinking about her kills my boner deader than disco.)

But Barack? He's... well, embarrassing. Like he's trying too hard or something. I swear one of these days he's going to start screaming "Wassup?!?!" like those guys in that Budweiser commercial from a few years ago, just to prove he's black, and hip yet quaintly retro.

Oh, and did I mention Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein? Need I say more?

Sucks To Be Humberto

Dude spends almost forty years here illegally, then cries in his Corona - okay, his Bud, because the locals down there in Mexico don't drink Corona - about the fact that his stupid ass got deported. His story might make me sad if he wasn't a fucking scumbag.

--He lived in California, Arizona, New Mexico, Wyoming and Colorado. He was deported once for driving illegal immigrants from Arizona to Idaho for a smuggler in the 1970s, again for failing to mention his previous deportation when applying for residency in Wyoming and finally after he drove with a broken taillight and had no papers to show police.--

Pay attention to the part that I bolded. You know, about driving the illegals across a few states. That's called human smuggling.

Human smuggling be bad. Bad things happen to wetbacks during human smuggling. Human smuggling is a serious felony for a reason. Yet this assbag gets described as a fuckin' Boy Scout... Just a few immigration violations and traffic infractions, my hairy brown ass.

And let's talk about those minor traffic infractions for a moment.

--He bought a small two-bedroom house, and in 2003, after working as a truck driver for a metal salvage company, he had saved enough to buy his own semi.--

Okay, I'm puzzled about something. He was making his living driving a semi he had bought, right? A semi is a big-ass truck, right? You need a commercial license to drive a big-ass truck, right?

So here's my question... WHY IN THE FUCK ARE WE GIVING COMMERCIAL DRIVER'S LICENSES TO ILLEGALS?!?!

I mean, let's all point our antlers towards the moon and ponder on this for a couple secs. (Heh. I said secs.) If Humberto accidentally wipes out a Mom, Dad, and their 2.3 kids tooling along in their minivan, what's the next thing he's going to do?

Yeah, exactly. Voluntarily re-patriate himself to mexico. Unlicensed, uninsured drivers are already a huge problem in the western states as it is. Now we're thinking unlicensed, uninsured drivers of big-ass trucks are somehow okay?

Words fail me.

But, there are some tiny points of light in the article to tickle the underside of my nutsack.

--Deportations have been increasing as the United States cracks down on immigrants caught in raids or arrested for crimes or other offenses. During the past decade, Central America has been flooded with deported gang members, many of whom went to the United States as infants and don't speak Spanish.--

Tough shit. We have enough home-grown gang-bangers. We don't need to import any.

--In the 12 months leading to Sept. 30, 186,600 illegal migrants were deported, nearly four times more than in 1995, the year before a new law mandating the expulsion of illegal migrants who have returned illegally after being deported.--

Cool. Now if we can raise that number by an order of magnitude, I'll flog my moose-sausage until it's bloody.

Communication

I must have something wrong with my ears. People swear they said one thing, and I know for sure I heard another.

I'm going to go all gushy soft for about ten seconds here. I WANT to hear what you guys are saying. I want to understand you. And I'm having a hell of a time doing it.

Ouch. That made my asshole hurt. But I'm not kidding. So you know what I'd like to see?

I'm a plain-spoken moose. Not too many layers of complexity to wade through. (Bricks to the head of everyone who just said, "Did he say he's a simpleton?") No, what I'm saying is, I say what I mean, and mean what I say.

So maybe all you elephants and hobbits and hebes and other critters can do that, too. Don't be subtle. Don't use fancy words. Just whack me straight in the antlers with it. Call a spade a dirty shovel.

I'll be happier, you'll be happier, and my moose-meat will be happier. I'm a stress masturbator, and these last few days have set that massive sausage right on fire with friction.

Yeah yeah, I know. Use lube, right? Okay, I will. And you quit confusing me, and everything will be fine.


(You KNEW it was all going to be your fault, right? RIGHT?!?!)

Ed-juh-KAY-shun

You ever hear that hillbilly joke about what a mixed blessing is? That's your mother-in-law driving off a cliff in your brand new pick-up truck.

I get a variation on that when I read the New York Times talking about school choice. It's called mixed emotions. I don't know whether to laugh my furry moose ass into a hernia, or pass the ammunition and fail to praise the lord.

See, the Times thinks that school choice in any form is bad bad BAD. They don't give a shit if homeschooling or charter schools or vouchers help any individual student. HELL no. They think you should rescue the bitchy mother-in-law, let the truck go off the cliff, and be damn happy to have done your part to save public education in America, god damn it!

Mostly I don't give a turd full of corn about the dismal state of the schools in my fine nation. Why should I? I can't vote, and I'm used to stupid people, so what the fuck difference should it make to me if they churn out a few gazillion more every year?

But then I saw this picture of some black kids with pigtails sticking out of their head at all kinds of funny angles. And I realized something. Those kids want to learn, and they shouldn't be prevented from doing that by a bunch of butch edu-crats.

My moose-meat swelled with joy. (Not for the kids, you fucking perverts.) No, I was engorged because I had realized something profound:

The continued existance of the teacher's unions is directly dependent upon making sure that those kids fail.

Yeah, I said it.

Think about it. If all the kiddies are doing well, the ever-increasing supply of "free" money stops coming. All that coinage, to help the "struggling" students, goes away. *POOF!*

But no one would be that cruel, would they? WOULD THEY?!?! Especially those folks who have dedicated their LIVES to the chilluns. To teaching them.

*cough - BULLSHIT - cough*

Folks go into teaching for a lot of reasons. They stay longer than they should because of the summers off, and the fact that they can't be fired even if they really suck hairy sweaty balls. Burned out asshole educators ain't doing those kids with the pigtails jack shit worth of good.

And here's something my ass has been itching to say for a long LONG time... What the fuck do the edu-crats care if the students who really want to learn take their paltry-ass state money and go elsewhere? It's cheaper for the state, and less work for the teachers, and better for the kids who leave.

Chew on this for a second. The parents who want school choice WANT THEIR KIDS TO SUCCEED. That's it. No sinister plan to wreck the public schools. No desire to get more than their fair share. Fuck, they're willing to settle for less, just to get their kids out of the fucked-up, dangerous, ineffective public schools.

The next argument the edu-crats will vomit up is that the exit of motivated students with good parents will leave only the dregs and the SpEds. The behavior problems, the dumb-fucks, the kids with indifferent parents, and the special ed students.

So the fuck what?

Yeah, I said it.

The dregs and the SpEds don't have a right to drag everyone else down to their level. And anyone who thinks they do can get right down on their knees and suck my giant moose cock. Education is supposed to be about doing something good for kids, not about making people feel good about mediocre outcomes.

And let me say it again: It's CHEAPER for the taxpayers if the edu-crats do a Moses and let the motivated kids and their parents go. And by god, it's more humane. And it frees up dollars to teach more SpEds to tie their shoes.

So I gotta end this with a question. Who can tell me the REAL reason edu-crats are against school choice?

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

The moose community is in mourning. We have lost one of our own. A swedish moose got shit-faced, then drowned when he fell through the ice.

--Drunken Swedish moose drowns after fermented apple binge

Updated 11/24/2006 9:34 AM ET

STOCKHOLM (AFP) — A moose that became inebriated after binging on fermented fallen apples in northern Sweden drowned when it fell through the ice of a frozen inlet, Swedish tabloid Aftonbladet reported on Thursday.

"The moose appears to have eaten too many fermented apples and become confused out on the ice," Luleaa police spokesman Erik Kummu told local media.

Emergency services were scrambled but they were unable to save the four-legged apple thief.

For several days prior to the moose's demise, local residents had contacted police after seeing the animal munch its way through rotting fruit, Aftonbladet said.

Drunk moose are relatively common in Sweden in late autumn as the animals eat fallen apples which ferment slightly on the ground.--

My massive moose-meat has been flaccid since I heard about this. I mean, who amongst us doesn't tipple a bit much now and then? To have a day that started out with the equivalent of a hard cider binge end so tragically makes my antlers droop.

A fellow moose, who's never going to sing again, never going to eat Chocolate again, never going to poop again, never going to masturbate again... I am sad. Very sad.

I believe I will go slug down refreshing adult beverages until I feel better.

*****************

On a lighter note, Reverend Al (Not Too) Sharpton is embarassing himself again. He's providing comfort and counsel to the family of a man killed by the NYPD.

--Police fired 50 rounds Saturday at a car of unarmed men leaving a bachelor party at a strip club, killing the groom on his wedding day in a shooting that drew a furious outcry from family members and community leaders.

The spray of bullets hit the car 21 times, after the vehicle rammed into an undercover officer and then an unmarked NYPD minivan twice, police said. Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly would not say if the collisions were what prompted police to open fire.--

Al "The Race Master Baiter" says something "did not seem right" about the story. Well, give the man a cigar to shove up his ass, because something ISN'T right, but it's not the something he seems to be implying.

I'm not saying the police are blameless here, because there's lots of trigger-happy donut jockeys out there masquerading as cops. Especially in shit New York City neighborhoods like the one in question. (And people wonder why mooses prefer wide-open spaces to dirty, dangerous cities.)

Anyhow, my penis isn't twitching in any particular direction yet on this one. But the dead guy, Sean Bell, the one driving the car... What in the fuck was he doing at a titty bar at 4 a.m. on his wedding day in the first place? Hung-over grooms are so... tacky.

And what in god's name made him think it was a good idea to play bumper cars in the parking lot on his way out? Even in the worst of neighborhoods that's considered gauche. Not to mention dangerous and dumb, in light of the possibility that the owner of the car might shoot you in that neck of the woods whether he's a cop or not.

And what about the possible fourth passenger who fled the scene? Was he maybe the one who was armed, or did he just really REALLY have to take a dump or something?

There will be an investigation, and most likely, the police will decide that the shooting was justified. They almost always decide that way, especially when the incident involves crashing cars outside a titty bar that's rife with crime.

Next, Al Sharpton will blow a load of tapioca in his shorts, and whip everyone into a frenzy of racial tensions. Bad blood will simmer for a while, then everyone will forget, and go on with their lives.

Here's hoping the agitated spades don't burn the city down in the meantime.

Although that might not necessarily be a bad thing, if you view it as a fast track to "urban renewal."

Folsom Prison Blues

There's stupid lawsuits, and then there's lawsuits about prison conditions. Those take a big ol' fucking quantum leap past stupid.

Get a load of this shit:

--Five weeks after Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger declared a state of emergency in California's jampacked prison system, inmates went to court Monday to limit new admissions until the population declines.

In legal papers filed in Sacramento and San Francisco, lawyers for the convicts said only a population cap imposed by a federal court would remedy prison conditions that amount to unconstitutional cruel and unusual punishment.

Among the symptoms revealing a prison system in distress, the lawyers said, are a "skyrocketing" number of inmates seeking treatment for mental disorders and an inmate suicide rate that is twice the national average, with 37 convicts taking their lives behind bars this year."--

Oh, boo fucking hoo. A bunch of convicts in the People's Republic Of California are going froot loopy and/or offing themselves. My heart mourns.

In reality, four out of five of these fine upstanding citizens will end up back in the clink. It's kinda like the dentists surveyed, except instead of sugarless gum, we're talking muggings, robberies, and assaults.

(Of course we know none of these poor misunderstood individuals are actually guilty. They're victims of racism and classism - over and over again. But humor me and pretend that they really ARE scumbags.)

And all liberal circle-jerking aside, it doesn't matter HOW nice we are to them. We can give them a library and a state-of-the-art gym and a free education and strawberry-kiwi scented lube to flog their dolphin with. And STILL they will end up back in prison.

So I say, fuck 'em. Put each of them in an 8' X 8' cell with a concrete bunk, turn the fire hose on them once a week to keep them clean, and shove their 1,500 calorie "nutrition loaf" through the bars of their cage every morning.

Cruel and unusual punishment? Tell that to Rajesh Bagtoo, who's still having nightmares about the fine evening when they knocked off his convenience store.

Here's some more sheer brilliance:

--"Court intervention is necessary because this state has simply been unable to take any meaningful action to resolve the prison overcrowding crisis," said Donald Specter, director of the nonprofit Prison Law Office, which filed one of the motions.

The Legislature's failure to act during a recent special session on prison crowding, Specter added, was final proof of government's refusal to address a teeming, violent system packed to twice its intended capacity.--

It's unbelieveable that this is happening in The Governator's state. Can't he just send the Evil Alt-Governator in with a big gun and reduce the prison population by half? (I find the phrase "big gun" highly arousing. I wonder what Freud would say about that.)

So in lieu of a lottery that marks the surplus prison population for death via Ahnold's alter ego's big gun, what do the bleeding hearts in their fuschia spanky-pants propose to do?

--Attorneys said that for now, they are not pushing for a court-ordered release of inmates to thin the population. Instead, they suggest diverting certain low-risk convicts, especially parole violators, away from prison and sanctioning them in the community.--

Oh, fucking brilliant. Reward the parole violators by unleashing them on the community. I'm sure Mr. Bagtoo will be glad to see that the guy who robbed him is getting a second crack at a second chance.

Just for shits and giggles, let's talk about what the legal beagles (no insult to beagles intended) mean by "low-risk." They're not going to let the drug addicts out, because of those idiotic mandatory sentencing laws. And that's perhaps for the best as long as drugs are illegal, since that makes them expensive, which leads to addicts committing other crimes to support their habit.

So what's the plan? To release the guy that robbed the 7 Eleven with a knife instead of a gun? Or maybe the guy who stole a purse but didn't knock the old lady down? Or the guy who stole a car but didn't wreck it?

Hey, I've got a better idea. Tell the lawyers to go fuck themselves. Lock the violent, anti-social assholes up in a place where they can't hurt anybody. If that means building more prisons, then fucking build more prisons.

And make sure you give the new prisons cool names like Folsom, so cool guys like Johnny Cash can write cool songs about them.

Black Friday

I have some bad news for all you tossers who got up in the wee hours of the morning to go shopping today:

YOU'RE ALL LOSERS!

Having the latest and greatest toy or game or electronic gizmo before anyone else gets their hands on it doesn't make make you cool. You're not going to be fucking super-models tomorrow because you were King Shit Shopper today. You are, at best, a geek whose definition of success is kind of pathetic, and at worst... We won't go there.

And, has your time no value at all? If you spent three hours waiting in line to save thirty bucks on a DVD player, that puts your hourly value slightly below the annoying telemarketer who called you last week offering a screaming deal on Slim Whitman's greatest hits. Think about THAT the next time you're prepared to queue up for any length of time.

Perhaps you're one of those sprog-whipped parents whose peers and off-spring have told you in no uncertain terms that your Breeder Olympics gold medal depends upon you producing the Cerebellum-Atrophy 3000 gaming system for them this Christmas. I have a better idea. Give the little bastards a BB gun, boot their chubby over-Lunchabled asses out the door, and tell them not to come back until they've lost twenty pounds or someone puts their eye out, whichever comes first.

Stopping the madness starts with you, the Black Friday Losers. Repeat this mantra: "If I can't buy it over the internet, it isn't worth having or giving." Then do something productive with your day, like bathing your gerbil or reporting your boss to the Internal Revenue Service.

Giving Thanks

On Thanksgiving, I'm not all into giving thanks for shit like my job or my life situation, because I EARNED those. So here's a few more random wonders of the universe that I'd like to express my appreciation for instead.

I'm thankful the Japanese and Germans know how to make quality automobiles, because the Big Three sure as fuck don't.

I'm thankful my secretary has big tits.

I'm thankful that pointing out stupidity is on the rise, because stupidity itself definitely is.

I'm thankful that someone way back when figured out how to make beer. I'd also like to thank those dudes in their plaid skirts that invented single-malt Scotch.

I'm thankful for American ingenuity and our indomitable spirit, and I'd be even more thankful if everyone who lives here had that spirit, instead of us indulging a certain segment of society that prefers to rub off to mallard porn.

I'm thankful for frequent erections, and all the wondrous things I can do with my Moose Meat.

I'm thankful that more and more Americans are realizing that there are options besides the democrats and republicans, but it still twists my nutsack round round like a record baby that it took them so long to figure that out.

I'm thankful for Chocolate. And whipped cream.

I'm thankful that a large asteroid isn't on a collision course with Earth, but I wouldn't mind if a small meteor cancelled that annoying twat Hillary Clinton.

I'm thankful for everyone who appreciates my awesome moose-ness. My HEAT.

I'm thankful the military is meeting their recruitment goals, so those leftist cock-sucking assclowns can't make any political hay with their call for a draft.

I'm thankful I don't have the mange, a small penis, leukemia, or any social diseases.

I'm thankful for free speech, and always willing to take a machete to any dickbag who has the temerity to oppose it.

Oh, and did I mention I'm thankful my secretary has big tits?



Happy Thanksgiving. Long live beer and football, turkey and gravy, and secretaries and tits.