Ladies and gentlemen, mark your calenders, because I have a confession that I don't often make:
I was wrong.
In my last comments about Dancing With The Stars, I said Julianne Hough and Apolo Anton Ohno's dancing would lack maturity, and they would be leaving the show early.
I was so wrong that I feel like Janet Reno. (Okay, maybe not THAT wrong.) But still, it is shocking to me that the young, adorable Apolo and Julianne delivered the finest quickstep that Dancing With The Stars has ever seen, or will likely ever see again.
This is the couple to beat, folks. Two very grounded, yet fiercely competitive young people, who light the fucking floor on fire. He's like this little super ninja Fist Of Legend guy. Take a look at the photo on his website and you'll see what I mean. And her... Well, she's just a doll. My lust for Edyta remains intact, but this one is special too.
And to top it all off, Apolo is just an awesome guy. Check this out. He won a gold medal in the 1500 meters at the World Championships in Milan (while training for the show), on his way to winning the bronze overall. And guess what he did with that gold medal?
He gave it to his coach.
Apolo, you rock, you roll, you rule. Me and the big-titted secretary are behind you all the way.
So we've covered the heros. Let's move on to the zeros. Heather Mills is still in the competition. This is at the expense of the lovely Paulina Porizkova, who was handed her walking papers Tuesday night.
(Note to ABC: Please get rid of that sorry excuse for a co-host Samantha Boring, or whatever the fuck her name is, and hire Paulina. She's better looking, she has an actual personality, and she won't stumble over those long eastern European names with too many consonants.)
Anyway, back to HateHer Mills. Her costume was stupid. It looked like something you'd see at a sit-in, if there were any hippies left, and if they weren't too brain damaged from all the drugs to stage a sit-in. She seriously makes my moose-meat wilt more than Hillary Clinton does, and THAT is saying a lot.
And her dancing is as wooden as her leg. (Yeah, I know they don't make peg-legs out of wood anymore, but humor me.) She shook her tits like a stripper, but from the waist down, she was pure Murphy's Oil Soap gone wrong.
And not that her personal life matters, but...
Oh, fuck it. Her personal life DOES matter, because she put the fucking thing on display. So, it's fair game.
And the most creep-o-tronic thing so far about said personal life isn't the prostitution. It isn't the nudie pictures from the "sex manual." No, the creepiest thing so far is...
Wait for it...
Back in the 90s, she impersonated an investigative journalist who is also named Heather Mills.
Now THAT is a true "What the FUCK?!?!" moment. How could she think she wouldn't get caught? What made her think such a ruse was a good idea? Is she totally out of her fucking mind?
Now, Ms. Mills is working on her exit strategy from the show. She's said she can't rehearse because of back pain. She's all pissed that she was assigned the jive instead of the tango. She's fucked, and she knows it.
So the moose predicts an early withdrawal, so to speak. Heather's plan to make America love her has backfired in a spectacular way, and the only method of flushing her shit down the drain is to say, "Sorry, Jonathan. I simply cannot go on. The pain is too much."
Buhbye, bitch.
The other soon-to-be buhbye is Shandi and Brian, our other zeros of the night. She can't dance for shit, and he...
Let's put it this way. If Apolo Ohno is Fist Of Legend, Brian Fortuna is Fist Of Salami. As in, he wants that Fist Of Salami driving right up his Hershey Highway. He's so fuckin' gay that he makes Oscar Wilde look straight. Deep deep DEEP in the closet, no doubt, but gay gay GAY.
But wait, there's more. He has a creepy mother. She's got some comments about the show on her website. A couple of highlights:
Brian and Shandi - WHERE IS HIS COSTUME??????????????????? Did they give him something ridicuous and then he wouldn't wear it????? That's my guess. Or did he ask for something ridiculous and then they wouldn't allow him to wear it? Or did part of the costume get in the way of the dance? He told me he would be wearing a jacket. Why isn't she wearing a skirt with enough fabric to MOVE??????? What's with the hairdo - time for something NEW!!!!!!!!!!
And:
I am up to here with the publicity, PR, promos, etc, that show my son in a bad light.
Um, is it just me, or is that Norman Bates in the background, saying "A boy's best friend is his mother."
Creeeeeeepy.
So there you have it. A hero, some zeros, and... and...
And my lovely Edyta is doing well with HIM. Yes, HIM. That retard old guy Cliff the mailman. I hope he dies from priapism.
Then I can bone... er, I mean, love, my Edyta forever.
.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Mea Culpa
That's Latin for "I sorry things be hosed up."
The Moose Antenna Cafe is experiencing some temporary technical difficulties. Please be patient while the big-titted secretary restores the postings that have been repeatedly nuked.
(Have you ever noticed that if you pronounce "nuked" as "nuke-ed" it sounds a lot like the word "naked"? That makes me feel a little better. Not much, but a little.)
.
The Moose Antenna Cafe is experiencing some temporary technical difficulties. Please be patient while the big-titted secretary restores the postings that have been repeatedly nuked.
(Have you ever noticed that if you pronounce "nuked" as "nuke-ed" it sounds a lot like the word "naked"? That makes me feel a little better. Not much, but a little.)
.
It's The End Of The World As We Know It!
Also known as When Capitalism And Girl Power Collide.
This is a story about brand identity, consumerism, little girls, and perspective. An anguished mother made a blog entry about her daughter's experience at American Girl Place. To say that experience was less than positive would be like saying Charles Manson is a little bit of a homicidal maniac. The whole thing was a cluster-fuck.
You see, little Etta was invited by a friend to bring her doll to a hairstyling event at a store in Manhattan dedicated to American Girl dolls. The hairstyling was for the dolls, not the little girls, which is kind of creepy. Who seriously pays twenty bucks to get their doll's hair styled?
But that's beside the point. The problem arose because little Etta's doll, Gracie, is not an American Girl doll. American Girl dolls are about a hundred bucks a piece, and Gracie is a $29.99 doll from Target.
The doll hair stylist said the Target doll wasn't "real." I'm sure she meant that it was an inexpensive, crude knock-off of the "official" American Girl dolls, but it seems the way the girl took it was, "This isn't a real doll."
Now frankly, when I think of "real dolls," I think of...
WARNING! Do not open this link if your boss is looking over your shoulder, or you may find yourself unemployed. The boobies are made of latex, but they're still there.
Anyway, to me, there's only one Real Doll. But then again, I'm a pervert and constantly horny, so of COURSE that's what would pop up in my head. (Hee. I said "pop up in my head.")
Ahem. Then all the Snobby Mommies made snobby comments, the girl cried and decided she didn't love Gracie anymore, and her mother wrote about it. (Yo, American Girl Place. I understand why you won't service dolls other than your own. It's to preserve the elitism of your brand. But it would be nice if you pointed that out on your website, so this doesn't happen again.)
Next, the sad story of Etta and Gracie was posted on consumerist.com, where even more people expressed outrage at the way this incident went down.
And it does suck that a little girl was mistreated by a bunch of twats with a stick up their ass. I know all about wanting something, and being disappointed when you don't get it.
But isn't the outrage a bit, uh... disproportionate to the actual events? I mean, are today's little hatchlings really so under-stimulated and over-indulged that a screw-up at a doll hair salon is a life-altering (or life-destroying) event?
Seriously, kid. There's sproggies out there with REAL problems. Like leukemia, or getting run over by a bus, or being molested by their grandfather. Your issue really IS trivial by comparison. I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but seriously, it isn't. You (and your doll) will live.
As I look into my crystal ball while stroking my telepathic penis, I will make the following prediction:
American Girl Place will try to make this right by giving the kid a "real" American Girl doll, and a shit-pile of clothes and accessories for it. And thus she will learn... What? That if you whine and cry about the unfairness of life, a relatively trivial matter will be mitigated in a splashy, expensive, overboard way?
Yeah, that's a lesson every kid needs.
And I still can't fucking believe anyone would cough up twenty bucks to get their doll's hair styled. But hey, that's the convergence of capitalism and odd priorities for ya.
.
This is a story about brand identity, consumerism, little girls, and perspective. An anguished mother made a blog entry about her daughter's experience at American Girl Place. To say that experience was less than positive would be like saying Charles Manson is a little bit of a homicidal maniac. The whole thing was a cluster-fuck.
You see, little Etta was invited by a friend to bring her doll to a hairstyling event at a store in Manhattan dedicated to American Girl dolls. The hairstyling was for the dolls, not the little girls, which is kind of creepy. Who seriously pays twenty bucks to get their doll's hair styled?
But that's beside the point. The problem arose because little Etta's doll, Gracie, is not an American Girl doll. American Girl dolls are about a hundred bucks a piece, and Gracie is a $29.99 doll from Target.
The doll hair stylist said the Target doll wasn't "real." I'm sure she meant that it was an inexpensive, crude knock-off of the "official" American Girl dolls, but it seems the way the girl took it was, "This isn't a real doll."
Now frankly, when I think of "real dolls," I think of...
WARNING! Do not open this link if your boss is looking over your shoulder, or you may find yourself unemployed. The boobies are made of latex, but they're still there.
Anyway, to me, there's only one Real Doll. But then again, I'm a pervert and constantly horny, so of COURSE that's what would pop up in my head. (Hee. I said "pop up in my head.")
Ahem. Then all the Snobby Mommies made snobby comments, the girl cried and decided she didn't love Gracie anymore, and her mother wrote about it. (Yo, American Girl Place. I understand why you won't service dolls other than your own. It's to preserve the elitism of your brand. But it would be nice if you pointed that out on your website, so this doesn't happen again.)
Next, the sad story of Etta and Gracie was posted on consumerist.com, where even more people expressed outrage at the way this incident went down.
And it does suck that a little girl was mistreated by a bunch of twats with a stick up their ass. I know all about wanting something, and being disappointed when you don't get it.
But isn't the outrage a bit, uh... disproportionate to the actual events? I mean, are today's little hatchlings really so under-stimulated and over-indulged that a screw-up at a doll hair salon is a life-altering (or life-destroying) event?
Seriously, kid. There's sproggies out there with REAL problems. Like leukemia, or getting run over by a bus, or being molested by their grandfather. Your issue really IS trivial by comparison. I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but seriously, it isn't. You (and your doll) will live.
As I look into my crystal ball while stroking my telepathic penis, I will make the following prediction:
American Girl Place will try to make this right by giving the kid a "real" American Girl doll, and a shit-pile of clothes and accessories for it. And thus she will learn... What? That if you whine and cry about the unfairness of life, a relatively trivial matter will be mitigated in a splashy, expensive, overboard way?
Yeah, that's a lesson every kid needs.
And I still can't fucking believe anyone would cough up twenty bucks to get their doll's hair styled. But hey, that's the convergence of capitalism and odd priorities for ya.
.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
What A Cocksucker
Some assclown columnist with an agenda, in unholy cooperation with the publisher of the Roanoke Times, decided it would be a good idea to illustrate the wonders of Freedom Of Information laws by putting the names and home addresses of all the holders of concealed carry permits in a database on the paper's website. The information was removed the very next day amid a shit-storm of critcism.
It all started with this editorial in the Roanoke Times about Freedom Of Information laws. The snark factor was pretty high.
This is not about being for or against guns. There are plenty of reasons people choose to carry weapons: fear of a violent ex-lover, concern about criminals or worry that the king of England might try to get into your house. There are plenty of reasons to question the wisdom of widespread gun ownership, too.
But that's a debate for another time.
And:
A state that eagerly puts sex offender data online complete with an interactive map could easily do the same with gun permits, but it does not.
The article then provided a link to a searchable database of every person in the state of Virginia who had been issued a concealed carry permit.
Now, leaving aside that this rocket scientist compared gun owners to sex offenders, there were names on that list that belong to women who were hiding from an abusive ex, or from someone else who had victimized them. To me, publishing those addresses doesn't seem like a good idea.
Nor, really, does providing burglars with an "interactive map" of where they need to go to steal guns seem like wise thinking.
And the notion that publishing this information would allow parents to see if the other parents driving the carpool are packing heat is just moronic. If you want to know if they're armed, fucking ASK them. If you don't know them well enough to broach the subject, is it really a good idea to be sending your kids off with them every day?
The paper is mostly unapologetic for this mess, essentially saying that they didn't break any laws with their bone-headed move, and they've now shut the barn door when the horse is three miles up the road by taking the database down, so what's the problem?
I don't have a pony in the race, since I'm a moose, and mooses can't get CCW permits in any state that I know of. (I've always wondered, however, why my constant state of extreme arousal doesn't qualify me for a permit, since I've heard people say that guns are phallic symbols.) And none of my people live in Virginia. But I can see why CCW holders in that state are pissed off. This sort of invasion of privacy was NOT the intention behind Freedom Of Information laws.
On the positive side, the state legislature is going to consider the issue of whether the names and addresses of those who have a permit to carry concealed weapons should be a matter of public record in the first place. Also, the assclowns who decided it was a good idea to put the database on line will be fending off several very expensive lawsuits.
But what of the people who will have to re-arrange their whole lives because some smart-ass thought this was a good exercise in exploring the benefits and short-comings of Freedom Of Information laws? Is Mr. Trejbal going to use his paltry Roanoke Times salary to personally compensate them for their moving expenses and other costs associated with this clusterfuck? Somehow I doubt it.
Which is why that cocksucker needs to eat shit and die.
.
It all started with this editorial in the Roanoke Times about Freedom Of Information laws. The snark factor was pretty high.
This is not about being for or against guns. There are plenty of reasons people choose to carry weapons: fear of a violent ex-lover, concern about criminals or worry that the king of England might try to get into your house. There are plenty of reasons to question the wisdom of widespread gun ownership, too.
But that's a debate for another time.
And:
A state that eagerly puts sex offender data online complete with an interactive map could easily do the same with gun permits, but it does not.
The article then provided a link to a searchable database of every person in the state of Virginia who had been issued a concealed carry permit.
Now, leaving aside that this rocket scientist compared gun owners to sex offenders, there were names on that list that belong to women who were hiding from an abusive ex, or from someone else who had victimized them. To me, publishing those addresses doesn't seem like a good idea.
Nor, really, does providing burglars with an "interactive map" of where they need to go to steal guns seem like wise thinking.
And the notion that publishing this information would allow parents to see if the other parents driving the carpool are packing heat is just moronic. If you want to know if they're armed, fucking ASK them. If you don't know them well enough to broach the subject, is it really a good idea to be sending your kids off with them every day?
The paper is mostly unapologetic for this mess, essentially saying that they didn't break any laws with their bone-headed move, and they've now shut the barn door when the horse is three miles up the road by taking the database down, so what's the problem?
I don't have a pony in the race, since I'm a moose, and mooses can't get CCW permits in any state that I know of. (I've always wondered, however, why my constant state of extreme arousal doesn't qualify me for a permit, since I've heard people say that guns are phallic symbols.) And none of my people live in Virginia. But I can see why CCW holders in that state are pissed off. This sort of invasion of privacy was NOT the intention behind Freedom Of Information laws.
On the positive side, the state legislature is going to consider the issue of whether the names and addresses of those who have a permit to carry concealed weapons should be a matter of public record in the first place. Also, the assclowns who decided it was a good idea to put the database on line will be fending off several very expensive lawsuits.
But what of the people who will have to re-arrange their whole lives because some smart-ass thought this was a good exercise in exploring the benefits and short-comings of Freedom Of Information laws? Is Mr. Trejbal going to use his paltry Roanoke Times salary to personally compensate them for their moving expenses and other costs associated with this clusterfuck? Somehow I doubt it.
Which is why that cocksucker needs to eat shit and die.
.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Maybe They Should Have Gone With "Hoo-hoo" Or "Twat" Instead
Three high school girls were suspended for their contributions to a school event.
Saying the word "vagina" during a reading at a John Jay High School open mic session has resulted in suspension for three female students and has sparked a debate about censorship throughout the community.
School administrators had warned the girls it would be inappropriate to say the word while reading a selection from Eve Ensler's "The Vagina Monologues," but the students were willing to suffer the consequences.
Read the rest of the articlehere.
Okay, not seeing the problem here. The girls involved were told not to use the word because there were going to be young children in the audience, and they agreed not to. They changed their minds, and chose to say it anyway and accept the consequences.
So why are all these other people getting involved? It seems like a closed issue to me.
Not to mention, all this whining about "censorship" is pretty damned stupid. It's not about censorship. It's about the fact that there were going to be children of all ages at this little shindig. They really don't need to be hearing about vaginas.
More specifically, they don't need to be hearing shit like this:
"My short skirt is a liberation flag in the women's army. I declare these streets, any streets, my vagina's country."
Telling your little daughter, "This is your vagina. Tell me if it hurts or if somebody touches it" is one thing. Reading to her from The Vagina Monologues is quite another.
But I guess concepts like selecting "age-appropriate material" for family-oriented school functions went out of fashion with beehive hairdos.
I gotta wonder who told these ding-a-lings this was a good idea. And no, I don't believe they came up with that one their own. I'm picture a single mother of one bratty girl, a "feminist," of course. Expensive streaks in her hair, expensive manicure and pedicure. The kind of chick who whines about how "opressed" she is because she's a woman, complaining long and loud all the way to the bank to cash her $6,000 a month alimony check.
I could be wrong, of course, but somehow I doubt it. Only those kind of "feminists" have enough time on their hands to fit in both gazing at their navel and indoctrinating their daughter.
Anyway, man up, girls. Serve your suspension, call off the protests, and get on with your "liberated" little lives.
Oh, and next time you make a promise... Keep it.
.
Saying the word "vagina" during a reading at a John Jay High School open mic session has resulted in suspension for three female students and has sparked a debate about censorship throughout the community.
School administrators had warned the girls it would be inappropriate to say the word while reading a selection from Eve Ensler's "The Vagina Monologues," but the students were willing to suffer the consequences.
Read the rest of the articlehere.
Okay, not seeing the problem here. The girls involved were told not to use the word because there were going to be young children in the audience, and they agreed not to. They changed their minds, and chose to say it anyway and accept the consequences.
So why are all these other people getting involved? It seems like a closed issue to me.
Not to mention, all this whining about "censorship" is pretty damned stupid. It's not about censorship. It's about the fact that there were going to be children of all ages at this little shindig. They really don't need to be hearing about vaginas.
More specifically, they don't need to be hearing shit like this:
"My short skirt is a liberation flag in the women's army. I declare these streets, any streets, my vagina's country."
Telling your little daughter, "This is your vagina. Tell me if it hurts or if somebody touches it" is one thing. Reading to her from The Vagina Monologues is quite another.
But I guess concepts like selecting "age-appropriate material" for family-oriented school functions went out of fashion with beehive hairdos.
I gotta wonder who told these ding-a-lings this was a good idea. And no, I don't believe they came up with that one their own. I'm picture a single mother of one bratty girl, a "feminist," of course. Expensive streaks in her hair, expensive manicure and pedicure. The kind of chick who whines about how "opressed" she is because she's a woman, complaining long and loud all the way to the bank to cash her $6,000 a month alimony check.
I could be wrong, of course, but somehow I doubt it. Only those kind of "feminists" have enough time on their hands to fit in both gazing at their navel and indoctrinating their daughter.
Anyway, man up, girls. Serve your suspension, call off the protests, and get on with your "liberated" little lives.
Oh, and next time you make a promise... Keep it.
.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Or They Could Just Leave The Little Freak Out For The Buzzards...
We've talked about the Peanut Nazis a few times in the past. I love reading about them, because they and their children are so often such bizarre people, leading such bizarre lives. For kids with mild allergies, it's like Munchausen's By Peanut. The Peanut Mommy's entire life is consumed with trying to eradicate the tasty legume from little Bratleigh's environment, when it's really not that big a deal.
Then there's kids that really DO have a problem. Check out the following, which is apparently a real list of what some elementary school aged child is allergic to.
Severe (can be anaphylactic) Allergies:
Dairy
Eggs
Peanut
Wheat
Moderate Allergies:
Soy
Barley
Yeast
Rye
ALL grains EXCEPT rice, millet, amaranth, quinoa, corn and infrequently oats
Pork
Beef
All other red meat, except Duck and Venison
Chocolate (also allergic to dairy-free chocolate)
Citric Acid and Citric Fruits (Citrus fruits include: Citron, grapefruit, kumquat, lemon, lime, orange, pomelo, tangelo, tangerine)
Garlic
Any sort of BEAN or other legume (Alfalfa, bean (kidney, lentil, lima, mung, navy, pinto, soy, string), carob, guar gum, gum acacia, kudzu, licorice, pea (black-eyed, chick-pea, green) PEANUT)
Any SEEDS (including, sesame, sunflower, pumpkin, etc.)
All Nuts
Melon
Grapes
Raisins
Mustard
Vinegar
Dates
Tomatoes and tomato sauce
Mushrooms
Do not give the following as they are highly allergenic:
Strawberries
Kiwi Fruit
Goat’s Milk
ShellFish (including prawns, scallops, etc.)
Can have the following no more than once a week:
Bananas
Fresh Fish (select a type with few bones)
Canned Tuna
Can have the following once or twice a month:
Oats
Other Allergies:
Dogs
Cats
Most other hairy animals
Dust mites (SEVERE)
Grass and weeds (SEVERE)
Strong household cleaners will induce eczema
Aerosols can induce asthma
Latex
(I find it amusing that he's not allergic to millet. Maybe he could eat lots of millet paste like the Nigerians do, and end up looking like one of those kids in the "Just seventeen dollars a month will feed little Roshumba" commercials.)
Anyway, are you shaking your head and mumbling, "Holy SHIT! What the fuck does this kid eat?!?!" Yeah, me too. And does the poor thing ever even leave his house, with all the other stuff besides food that he's allergic to?
I'm not a completely heartless bastard. I feel really sorry for this kid. He's never going to have anything even approaching a normal life.
But his moomie sounds like a real nutbag. (Tee hee. Nutbag. Get it?) She honestly expects to be able to send her sproggie to public school, where he will not be singled out in any way.
How could he NOT be? The kid should be wearing a haz-mat suit to keep him away from the gazillion things he's allergic to, ferfuck'ssake.
But no, she wants him to be able to make friends, and be able to sit with his friends, no matter what they have in their lunch. Leaving aside the fact that the freaky kid with the neurotic mother usually doesn't HAVE any friends, Mom's plan essentially requires the school to be the Lunch Police.
And that is both impractical and unfair.
Yeah, yeah, I understand that THE LAW says a child must be educated in the "least restrictive environment." But look how well THAT has worked out. The poor diabetic kid is relegated to the principal's office to eat his peanut butter, in order to accomodate one peanut freak in the cafeteria. Meanwhile, the autistic tard's parents threaten to sue because their violent, destructive progeny isn't welcome in with the normal kids.
And the children whose parents are too poor to afford anything BUT peanut butter, and too proud to enroll them in the free lunch dole? Eh, fuck 'em. They deserve to go hungry all day, right?
No, not right. Any law that says dozens or hundreds of children have to suffer so one or two Peanut Mommies can pretend their immono-defective offspring are normal is a bad law.
And the parents of a kidlet who's allergic to fucking EVERYTHING need to buy said kidlet a nice computer, and enroll him in a cyber charter school. There's some excellent ones out there, and the state pays and everything.
Isn't that better than a failed experiment in normalcy that leaves your young'un blue and dead?
.
Then there's kids that really DO have a problem. Check out the following, which is apparently a real list of what some elementary school aged child is allergic to.
Severe (can be anaphylactic) Allergies:
Dairy
Eggs
Peanut
Wheat
Moderate Allergies:
Soy
Barley
Yeast
Rye
ALL grains EXCEPT rice, millet, amaranth, quinoa, corn and infrequently oats
Pork
Beef
All other red meat, except Duck and Venison
Chocolate (also allergic to dairy-free chocolate)
Citric Acid and Citric Fruits (Citrus fruits include: Citron, grapefruit, kumquat, lemon, lime, orange, pomelo, tangelo, tangerine)
Garlic
Any sort of BEAN or other legume (Alfalfa, bean (kidney, lentil, lima, mung, navy, pinto, soy, string), carob, guar gum, gum acacia, kudzu, licorice, pea (black-eyed, chick-pea, green) PEANUT)
Any SEEDS (including, sesame, sunflower, pumpkin, etc.)
All Nuts
Melon
Grapes
Raisins
Mustard
Vinegar
Dates
Tomatoes and tomato sauce
Mushrooms
Do not give the following as they are highly allergenic:
Strawberries
Kiwi Fruit
Goat’s Milk
ShellFish (including prawns, scallops, etc.)
Can have the following no more than once a week:
Bananas
Fresh Fish (select a type with few bones)
Canned Tuna
Can have the following once or twice a month:
Oats
Other Allergies:
Dogs
Cats
Most other hairy animals
Dust mites (SEVERE)
Grass and weeds (SEVERE)
Strong household cleaners will induce eczema
Aerosols can induce asthma
Latex
(I find it amusing that he's not allergic to millet. Maybe he could eat lots of millet paste like the Nigerians do, and end up looking like one of those kids in the "Just seventeen dollars a month will feed little Roshumba" commercials.)
Anyway, are you shaking your head and mumbling, "Holy SHIT! What the fuck does this kid eat?!?!" Yeah, me too. And does the poor thing ever even leave his house, with all the other stuff besides food that he's allergic to?
I'm not a completely heartless bastard. I feel really sorry for this kid. He's never going to have anything even approaching a normal life.
But his moomie sounds like a real nutbag. (Tee hee. Nutbag. Get it?) She honestly expects to be able to send her sproggie to public school, where he will not be singled out in any way.
How could he NOT be? The kid should be wearing a haz-mat suit to keep him away from the gazillion things he's allergic to, ferfuck'ssake.
But no, she wants him to be able to make friends, and be able to sit with his friends, no matter what they have in their lunch. Leaving aside the fact that the freaky kid with the neurotic mother usually doesn't HAVE any friends, Mom's plan essentially requires the school to be the Lunch Police.
And that is both impractical and unfair.
Yeah, yeah, I understand that THE LAW says a child must be educated in the "least restrictive environment." But look how well THAT has worked out. The poor diabetic kid is relegated to the principal's office to eat his peanut butter, in order to accomodate one peanut freak in the cafeteria. Meanwhile, the autistic tard's parents threaten to sue because their violent, destructive progeny isn't welcome in with the normal kids.
And the children whose parents are too poor to afford anything BUT peanut butter, and too proud to enroll them in the free lunch dole? Eh, fuck 'em. They deserve to go hungry all day, right?
No, not right. Any law that says dozens or hundreds of children have to suffer so one or two Peanut Mommies can pretend their immono-defective offspring are normal is a bad law.
And the parents of a kidlet who's allergic to fucking EVERYTHING need to buy said kidlet a nice computer, and enroll him in a cyber charter school. There's some excellent ones out there, and the state pays and everything.
Isn't that better than a failed experiment in normalcy that leaves your young'un blue and dead?
.
Friday, March 9, 2007
Now That's Sticking To Your Guns...
Today, it's all about the bang-bangs. (No, I didn't say gang-bangs, you perverts. Get your mind out of the gutter.) We're going to talk about firearms.
Let's start with the story of a man who used his 9mm in self-defense during a home invasion.
--One of two men who allegedly invaded a residence in Boyd County Wednesday night has died of wounds inflicted by a man who lived at the house. The dead man is identified as 50-year-old Robert Chapman of Greenup.
The Boyd County sheriff's department reports 23-year-old Jason Daniels was tied up by two men who had impersonated police officers and pounded on the door. When Daniels didn't open the door, the two smashed the door open. Sheriff Terry Keelin says they tied up Daniels in the bathroom and began ransacking the house, but Daniels was able to free himself and obtain his 9-millimeter pistol.--
Good for him.Anyone who tries to gain entry to your house by impersonating a police officer, busts down the door, then ties you up, probably isn't there for grilled cheese, tomato soup, and cartoons.
I didn't understand this part, though.
--Justice was charged with burglary and impersonating a police officer. A grand jury will be asked to decide if Daniels will be charged, but Keelin says none have been filed so far.--
What in the fuck would they charge Mr. Daniels with? Refusing to be a panty-waist victim? Chlorinating the gene pool? Failure to cancel both the dirtbags rather than just one?
The dead guy's family is apparently making some noise about Daniels being a "bad" man. Supposedly he was a drug dealer. You know what? I don't really give a shit if he was peddling more dope than anyone else in Kentucky. If you invade a man's home, you'd best expect to be kilt.
On to a couple of good ol' boys in Tennessee who quelled an armed road rager.
--Police in Memphis say a gunman firing a pistol beside a busy city street was subdued by two passers-by who were also armed. No one was hurt during the incident that apparently began with a minor traffic accident, but one passing car was believed hit by a bullet.
Brothers William Webber and Paul Webber told police they stopped their car and pulled their own pistols when they saw a man firing a handgun yesterday. The brothers said they ordered the man to drop his weapon and then held him at gunpoint until police arrived a few minutes later. Police say the Webbers did not fire their pistols.--
Well done, gentlemen.
Every time I read about people who are "concerned" about concealed carry, I think of stories like this. Had the Webber brothers not been armed, who nows what sort of unfortunate outcome could have resulted.
And I don't fucking want to hear the whole "If guns weren't legal..." line of bullshit. I seriously dobt that the criminals worry too much about that when they are obtaining THEIR guns.
(By the by, my big-titted secretary looks totally hot when she's shooting a gun. Just thought I'd share that.)
And today's last gunrelated story is fucking HUGE. I mean, bigger than my massive moose-meat huge. Some federal judge struck down Washington DC's handgun ban.
--A federal appeals court overturned the District of Columbia's long-standing handgun ban Friday, rejecting the city's argument that the Second Amendment right to bear arms applied only to militias.
In a 2-1 decision, the judges held that the activities protected by the Second Amendment "are not limited to militia service, nor is an individual's enjoyment of the right contingent" on enrollment in a militia.
The U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit ruled that the city cannot prevent people from keeping handguns in their homes. The ruling also struck down a requirement that owners of registered firearms keep them unloaded and disassembled. The court did not address provisions that prohibit people from carrying unregistered guns outside the home.
The decision marks the first time a federal appeals court has struck down a portion of a gun law on Second Amendment grounds.--
Ya know what this means? The Supreme Court is going to hear a REAL Second Amendment case. No, I don't think they'll take a pass. John Roberts has balls. He's not afraid of the tough cases.
Thus, perhaps the question of what the Second Amendment REALLY means will become a matter of settled case law. And that's a good thing.
Now if they would only undo that idiotic Kelo decision, we'd be all set.
.
Let's start with the story of a man who used his 9mm in self-defense during a home invasion.
--One of two men who allegedly invaded a residence in Boyd County Wednesday night has died of wounds inflicted by a man who lived at the house. The dead man is identified as 50-year-old Robert Chapman of Greenup.
The Boyd County sheriff's department reports 23-year-old Jason Daniels was tied up by two men who had impersonated police officers and pounded on the door. When Daniels didn't open the door, the two smashed the door open. Sheriff Terry Keelin says they tied up Daniels in the bathroom and began ransacking the house, but Daniels was able to free himself and obtain his 9-millimeter pistol.--
Good for him.Anyone who tries to gain entry to your house by impersonating a police officer, busts down the door, then ties you up, probably isn't there for grilled cheese, tomato soup, and cartoons.
I didn't understand this part, though.
--Justice was charged with burglary and impersonating a police officer. A grand jury will be asked to decide if Daniels will be charged, but Keelin says none have been filed so far.--
What in the fuck would they charge Mr. Daniels with? Refusing to be a panty-waist victim? Chlorinating the gene pool? Failure to cancel both the dirtbags rather than just one?
The dead guy's family is apparently making some noise about Daniels being a "bad" man. Supposedly he was a drug dealer. You know what? I don't really give a shit if he was peddling more dope than anyone else in Kentucky. If you invade a man's home, you'd best expect to be kilt.
On to a couple of good ol' boys in Tennessee who quelled an armed road rager.
--Police in Memphis say a gunman firing a pistol beside a busy city street was subdued by two passers-by who were also armed. No one was hurt during the incident that apparently began with a minor traffic accident, but one passing car was believed hit by a bullet.
Brothers William Webber and Paul Webber told police they stopped their car and pulled their own pistols when they saw a man firing a handgun yesterday. The brothers said they ordered the man to drop his weapon and then held him at gunpoint until police arrived a few minutes later. Police say the Webbers did not fire their pistols.--
Well done, gentlemen.
Every time I read about people who are "concerned" about concealed carry, I think of stories like this. Had the Webber brothers not been armed, who nows what sort of unfortunate outcome could have resulted.
And I don't fucking want to hear the whole "If guns weren't legal..." line of bullshit. I seriously dobt that the criminals worry too much about that when they are obtaining THEIR guns.
(By the by, my big-titted secretary looks totally hot when she's shooting a gun. Just thought I'd share that.)
And today's last gunrelated story is fucking HUGE. I mean, bigger than my massive moose-meat huge. Some federal judge struck down Washington DC's handgun ban.
--A federal appeals court overturned the District of Columbia's long-standing handgun ban Friday, rejecting the city's argument that the Second Amendment right to bear arms applied only to militias.
In a 2-1 decision, the judges held that the activities protected by the Second Amendment "are not limited to militia service, nor is an individual's enjoyment of the right contingent" on enrollment in a militia.
The U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit ruled that the city cannot prevent people from keeping handguns in their homes. The ruling also struck down a requirement that owners of registered firearms keep them unloaded and disassembled. The court did not address provisions that prohibit people from carrying unregistered guns outside the home.
The decision marks the first time a federal appeals court has struck down a portion of a gun law on Second Amendment grounds.--
Ya know what this means? The Supreme Court is going to hear a REAL Second Amendment case. No, I don't think they'll take a pass. John Roberts has balls. He's not afraid of the tough cases.
Thus, perhaps the question of what the Second Amendment REALLY means will become a matter of settled case law. And that's a good thing.
Now if they would only undo that idiotic Kelo decision, we'd be all set.
.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
He's Close Enough To Perfect...
That's why he won't run for President.
I'm talking about Fred Dalton Thompson. FOX News ran a story saying he's thinking about it.
--Former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson is facing increased calls to get into the 2008 GOP nomination race.
Sources told FOX News that Thompson, 62, now one of the stars of the popular NBC prime time series "Law & Order," has not ruled out a presidential bid, and has authorized advisers and supporters to continue to gauge support.--
This guy's got it all. He's a self-made man, who has been a shoe salesman, a truck driver, a lawyer (but we won't hold that against him), a Senator representing Tennessee, and an actor, most recently on Law & Order. He believes in small government, low taxes, a strong military, school vouchers, the Second Amendment, and personal responsibility.
See? I told you he was perfect.
He even left the Senate voluntarily, because he doesn't think politics should be a career, but instead a temporary service that a man performs for his country. *Swoon.* (Shut up. I'm not gay, just politically aroused.)
Thompson doesn't have the baggage of the Republican front-runners, either. He's not crazy like John McCain, or beset with personal scandals like Rudy Giuliani. (C'mon, Rudy, serving the old lady with divorce papers while she's battling cancer? That's just RUDE.)
At 6'6", he's an imposing man. He's got a deep, commanding voice, and is wonderfully articulate. He even LOOKS like a President, something that can't be said for Rudy, McCain, Hillary, or Osamabama.
Seriously. Could he possibly be any more tailor-made for the job?
If there's anything working against him, it's his age. He will turn 66 by the time the elsection rolls around, and lately, the trend has been towards younger Presidents. I question the wisdom of that trend, though. One cannot say with a straight face that Bill Clinton didn't have certain, shall we say, maturity issues. To a lesser extent, so did Dubya when he took office. Those eight years shouldn't be the time when a man grows up. He should come to the Oval Office loaded for ber and ready to solve the world's problems, like Ronald Reagan did.
If there's anything else working against him, it's that he thinks politicians are all a bunch of dishonest, sleazy bastards. While he's absolutely correct about that, it might make working with the Beltway Assclowns somewhat... How you say? Extrêmement difficile? (Yeah, I know you love it when I speak French. Anyone want to pet my "french tickler"?)
Ahem. The third issue might be, acting pays a damn sight better than being the Big Cheese does. My hope would be that ol' Fred would, if enough people want to see him run for President, be willing to make that sacrifice as sort of a, I don't know, duty to his country?
We can only hope.
Dude, you're my hero. I'm begging ya. Run, Fred, run!
.
I'm talking about Fred Dalton Thompson. FOX News ran a story saying he's thinking about it.
--Former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson is facing increased calls to get into the 2008 GOP nomination race.
Sources told FOX News that Thompson, 62, now one of the stars of the popular NBC prime time series "Law & Order," has not ruled out a presidential bid, and has authorized advisers and supporters to continue to gauge support.--
This guy's got it all. He's a self-made man, who has been a shoe salesman, a truck driver, a lawyer (but we won't hold that against him), a Senator representing Tennessee, and an actor, most recently on Law & Order. He believes in small government, low taxes, a strong military, school vouchers, the Second Amendment, and personal responsibility.
See? I told you he was perfect.
He even left the Senate voluntarily, because he doesn't think politics should be a career, but instead a temporary service that a man performs for his country. *Swoon.* (Shut up. I'm not gay, just politically aroused.)
Thompson doesn't have the baggage of the Republican front-runners, either. He's not crazy like John McCain, or beset with personal scandals like Rudy Giuliani. (C'mon, Rudy, serving the old lady with divorce papers while she's battling cancer? That's just RUDE.)
At 6'6", he's an imposing man. He's got a deep, commanding voice, and is wonderfully articulate. He even LOOKS like a President, something that can't be said for Rudy, McCain, Hillary, or Osamabama.
Seriously. Could he possibly be any more tailor-made for the job?
If there's anything working against him, it's his age. He will turn 66 by the time the elsection rolls around, and lately, the trend has been towards younger Presidents. I question the wisdom of that trend, though. One cannot say with a straight face that Bill Clinton didn't have certain, shall we say, maturity issues. To a lesser extent, so did Dubya when he took office. Those eight years shouldn't be the time when a man grows up. He should come to the Oval Office loaded for ber and ready to solve the world's problems, like Ronald Reagan did.
If there's anything else working against him, it's that he thinks politicians are all a bunch of dishonest, sleazy bastards. While he's absolutely correct about that, it might make working with the Beltway Assclowns somewhat... How you say? Extrêmement difficile? (Yeah, I know you love it when I speak French. Anyone want to pet my "french tickler"?)
Ahem. The third issue might be, acting pays a damn sight better than being the Big Cheese does. My hope would be that ol' Fred would, if enough people want to see him run for President, be willing to make that sacrifice as sort of a, I don't know, duty to his country?
We can only hope.
Dude, you're my hero. I'm begging ya. Run, Fred, run!
.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
A Wrongful Life Lawsuit?
Finally, the impossible has happened. I am speechless.
--A Boston woman who gave birth after a failed abortion has filed a lawsuit against two doctors and Planned Parenthood seeking the costs of raising her child.
The complaint was filed by Jennifer Raper, 45, last week in Suffolk Superior Court and still must be screened by a special panel before it can proceed to trial.
Raper claimed in the three-page medical malpractice suit that she found out she was pregnant in March 2004 and decided to have an abortion for financial reasons.
Dr. Allison Bryant, a physician working for Planned Parenthood at the time, performed the procedure on April 9, 2004, but it "was not done properly, causing the plaintiff to remain pregnant," according to the complaint.
Raper then went to see Dr. Benjamin Eleonu at Boston Medical Center in July 2004, and he failed to detect the pregnancy even though she was 20 weeks pregnant at the time, the lawsuit alleges.
It was only when Raper went to the New England Medical Center emergency room for treatment of pelvic pain in late September that year that she found out she was pregnant, the suit said.
She gave birth to a daughter on Dec. 7, 2004.
She is seeking damages, including child-rearing costs.
Read the whole story here. Keep your barf bags handy.
Okay, first things first. Jennifer Raper has been wronged. I mean, I can't tell for sure, but is the part about that doctor who failed to diagnose her pregnancy at twenty weeks lawsuit-speak for "Dr. Benjamin Eleonu knew she was pregnant, but didn't tell her because abortion was still an option at that point and he's anti-choice"? If so, that sucks.
However, no matter how wronged she feels, this lawsuit is a bad bad BAD idea. Because, win or lose, her kid is going to find out about it someday, and there aren't enough psychotropic drugs on the planet to prevent the explosion when THAT happens.
Besides, she doesn't sound like she's all that keen on the "parenting" gig anyway. Otherwise she wouldn't have tried to abort her pregnancy in the first place, let alone filed a lawsuit asking for child-rearing costs.
So, in Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People parlance, I'm thinking there's an excellent "third alternative" here. Howzabout the hospitals and doctors involved give her a little money for her trouble, and she places the kid for adoption, so it can have a loving home and good parents.
Is that an awesome idea, or what? Yeah, I thought so too.
Let's just hope Ms. Raper sees the wisdom of using some portion of her nominal settlement for a tubal ligation.
.
--A Boston woman who gave birth after a failed abortion has filed a lawsuit against two doctors and Planned Parenthood seeking the costs of raising her child.
The complaint was filed by Jennifer Raper, 45, last week in Suffolk Superior Court and still must be screened by a special panel before it can proceed to trial.
Raper claimed in the three-page medical malpractice suit that she found out she was pregnant in March 2004 and decided to have an abortion for financial reasons.
Dr. Allison Bryant, a physician working for Planned Parenthood at the time, performed the procedure on April 9, 2004, but it "was not done properly, causing the plaintiff to remain pregnant," according to the complaint.
Raper then went to see Dr. Benjamin Eleonu at Boston Medical Center in July 2004, and he failed to detect the pregnancy even though she was 20 weeks pregnant at the time, the lawsuit alleges.
It was only when Raper went to the New England Medical Center emergency room for treatment of pelvic pain in late September that year that she found out she was pregnant, the suit said.
She gave birth to a daughter on Dec. 7, 2004.
She is seeking damages, including child-rearing costs.
Read the whole story here. Keep your barf bags handy.
Okay, first things first. Jennifer Raper has been wronged. I mean, I can't tell for sure, but is the part about that doctor who failed to diagnose her pregnancy at twenty weeks lawsuit-speak for "Dr. Benjamin Eleonu knew she was pregnant, but didn't tell her because abortion was still an option at that point and he's anti-choice"? If so, that sucks.
However, no matter how wronged she feels, this lawsuit is a bad bad BAD idea. Because, win or lose, her kid is going to find out about it someday, and there aren't enough psychotropic drugs on the planet to prevent the explosion when THAT happens.
Besides, she doesn't sound like she's all that keen on the "parenting" gig anyway. Otherwise she wouldn't have tried to abort her pregnancy in the first place, let alone filed a lawsuit asking for child-rearing costs.
So, in Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People parlance, I'm thinking there's an excellent "third alternative" here. Howzabout the hospitals and doctors involved give her a little money for her trouble, and she places the kid for adoption, so it can have a loving home and good parents.
Is that an awesome idea, or what? Yeah, I thought so too.
Let's just hope Ms. Raper sees the wisdom of using some portion of her nominal settlement for a tubal ligation.
.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Jesus Is Dead, And It's All Capitalism's Fault!
I do a lot of reading in a lot of places on the internet. Besides knowing what's going on, I also like to know what people have to say about what's going on.
So, there were a bunch of hens and harpies babbling on about how socialized medicine would have saved Deamonte Driver (NOT!), and one of them mentioned a kid who had died for lack of proper medical care, and what a travesty that was in the richest country in the world.
He was poor, you see, and uninsured. He came from a non-English speaking immigrant family. A simple dose of antibiotics could have saved him, but the doctors were cruel and heartless. She even mentioned the victim of capitalist-based medical care by name: Jesus Adrian Aguina Gonzalez.
It really would be a heart-breaking story if it wasn't utter and complete bullshit.
See, there's this thing called Google. And it is a veritable cornucopia of information. So I typed in the dead kid's name, and lookie what I found.
--The type of rare blood poisoning that killed 16-year-old Jesus Aguina-Gonzalez of San Jose is extremely difficult to diagnose, according to experts in infectious disease.
``It's every pediatrician's nightmare,'' said Dr. Peggy Weintrub, a pediatric infectious disease expert with the University of California-San Francisco who said she was not familiar with this specific case.
``There is not a rapid good test'' for the meningococcus bacteria that caused the infection, she said. ``There are times when symptoms are not definitive and treatment is a judgment call. It depends how sick they are. It is very hard to differentiate from a bad case of the flu.''--
As the young and hip are wont to say nowadays, OH SNAP!
Let's be serious here, people. Having insurance wouldn't have saved this kid. He had some kind of freaky infection that mimics the flu. The doctors poked around in his blood, piss, shit, and spinal fluid. And they found nothing. So logically, they presumed it was the flu.
And this is a bacteria where you go from zero to dead in twenty-four hours. No one knows why. It just happens to some people, while the vast majority of folks who have the germ in their schnozz or gullet don't get sick and die.
Would the three hours he spent at home before his family brought him back to the hospital have made a difference? Probably not. He'd already been dead a couple of days when the doctors/coroner/family figured out what killed him.
Yes, this is a sad story. Jesus died, and his family is hurting. I have no doubt that their pain has prompted them to file a multi-million dollar lawsuit alleging that medical malpractice killed their cash cow... er, I mean, Jesus.
But that won't bring him back, and there was no malpractice. Nobody can say for certain why this tragedy happened, but it has happened to rich White kids with excellent insurance too. The only difference is, they perhaps got to spend three more of their final hours in the hospital than Jesus did, with Nurse Ratched trying to pawn rubbery green jello off on them so she could bill their insurance fifty bucks.
Jesus was better off having spent that time with his family, away from the hospital.
And they will have their dollar bills to dry their tears after a jury fatuously awards them millions.
By the by, am I the only one who thinks the school is wildly fucking stupid to let a kid that has no medical insurance play football? Who the hell pays if Jesus breaks his ankle or something? Oh, that's right. The taxpayers do.
You guys are such suckers.
.
So, there were a bunch of hens and harpies babbling on about how socialized medicine would have saved Deamonte Driver (NOT!), and one of them mentioned a kid who had died for lack of proper medical care, and what a travesty that was in the richest country in the world.
He was poor, you see, and uninsured. He came from a non-English speaking immigrant family. A simple dose of antibiotics could have saved him, but the doctors were cruel and heartless. She even mentioned the victim of capitalist-based medical care by name: Jesus Adrian Aguina Gonzalez.
It really would be a heart-breaking story if it wasn't utter and complete bullshit.
See, there's this thing called Google. And it is a veritable cornucopia of information. So I typed in the dead kid's name, and lookie what I found.
--The type of rare blood poisoning that killed 16-year-old Jesus Aguina-Gonzalez of San Jose is extremely difficult to diagnose, according to experts in infectious disease.
``It's every pediatrician's nightmare,'' said Dr. Peggy Weintrub, a pediatric infectious disease expert with the University of California-San Francisco who said she was not familiar with this specific case.
``There is not a rapid good test'' for the meningococcus bacteria that caused the infection, she said. ``There are times when symptoms are not definitive and treatment is a judgment call. It depends how sick they are. It is very hard to differentiate from a bad case of the flu.''--
As the young and hip are wont to say nowadays, OH SNAP!
Let's be serious here, people. Having insurance wouldn't have saved this kid. He had some kind of freaky infection that mimics the flu. The doctors poked around in his blood, piss, shit, and spinal fluid. And they found nothing. So logically, they presumed it was the flu.
And this is a bacteria where you go from zero to dead in twenty-four hours. No one knows why. It just happens to some people, while the vast majority of folks who have the germ in their schnozz or gullet don't get sick and die.
Would the three hours he spent at home before his family brought him back to the hospital have made a difference? Probably not. He'd already been dead a couple of days when the doctors/coroner/family figured out what killed him.
Yes, this is a sad story. Jesus died, and his family is hurting. I have no doubt that their pain has prompted them to file a multi-million dollar lawsuit alleging that medical malpractice killed their cash cow... er, I mean, Jesus.
But that won't bring him back, and there was no malpractice. Nobody can say for certain why this tragedy happened, but it has happened to rich White kids with excellent insurance too. The only difference is, they perhaps got to spend three more of their final hours in the hospital than Jesus did, with Nurse Ratched trying to pawn rubbery green jello off on them so she could bill their insurance fifty bucks.
Jesus was better off having spent that time with his family, away from the hospital.
And they will have their dollar bills to dry their tears after a jury fatuously awards them millions.
By the by, am I the only one who thinks the school is wildly fucking stupid to let a kid that has no medical insurance play football? Who the hell pays if Jesus breaks his ankle or something? Oh, that's right. The taxpayers do.
You guys are such suckers.
.
Monday, March 5, 2007
WHAT?! Michael Moore Is A FAKE?!?!
Say it isn't so!
A couple of nice Canadians set out to do a tribute piece expressing their admiration for the Moore-On. And it kinda sorta backfired.
--THE hunter has become the hunted. Michael Moore, the celebrated left-wing film-maker, has become the unwilling subject of a new documentary that raises damaging questions about the credibility of his work.
The director and star of successful documentaries such as Roger & Me, Bowling for Columbine and Fahrenheit 9/11, Moore has repeatedly been accused by his right-wing enemies of distorting or manipulating the material in his films. On his website he dismisses his critics as “wacko attackos”.
Yet the latest assault on Moore’s film-making techniques has come from an unexpected quarter. In Manufacturing Dissent, a documentary to be shown for the first time at a Texas film festival on Saturday, a pair of left-wing Canadian film-makers take Moore to task for what they describe as a disturbing pattern of fact-fudging and misrepresentation.--
Oh, uh, OOPS.
Leaving aside the obvious...
No, let's NOT leave aside the obvious. Michael Moore's "product" is not documentaries.
There's a genre of bad films that you can find on Pussy TV (Lifetime, WE, and other "women's networks") called a docu-drama. That's where you get to see a story that's basically true, but they punch it up by altering some of the events to make them more dramatic.
That's kind of what Michael Moore does, and if he were an honest man, it would actually be quite a funny schtick. I mean, walking into a bank, and walking out with a gun instead of a toaster as your reward for opening an account? That's a fucking riot. And if it was presented for what it is - comedy - there would be no problem.
But it's not presented as comedy. Moore wants you to believe that he's showing you reality. And that's when it stops being funny.
Journalists who play fast and loose with the truth end up disgraced and unemployed. That should also be the fate of documentarians who make it up as they go. ANd that is, in fact, what Michael Moore does.
There are still true believers out there who deny it. There's also people out there who think we didn't land on the moon, the World Trade Center was brought down by explosives, and Pancho Villa's skull is in the basement of a frat house at Yale.
Over the years, such people have had many names, including lunatics, moonbats, wearers of the tinfoil hat, Moore-ons, "special" people, and California liberals. They have always existed, and they really are harmless.
I suspect that once this documentary chronicling the Moore-on's duplicity is released, the number of true believers will dwindle even further. But they will never completely go away, because there really was a shooter on the grassy knoll. I've heard rumors that it was a bionic rock star built by the government from the remains of Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, and Richie Valens, in the bowels of a building at Area 51. (Tee hee. I just said bowels.)
I have to include this picture, because it makes me giggle more than the word "bowels" does:
*snicker*
So yeah, I'm thinking this nice Canadian couple needs to change the title of their film from Manufacturing Dissent to When Tribute Documentaries Go Horribly Wrong. And I do have some parting words for the Moore-on:
I love the way you confused and confounded a man suffering from Alzheimer's disease in Bowling For Columbine. You're a real class act. May your inevitable myocardial infarction show you more mercy than you showed Charlton Heston.
GOD you are a pathetic asshole.
.
A couple of nice Canadians set out to do a tribute piece expressing their admiration for the Moore-On. And it kinda sorta backfired.
--THE hunter has become the hunted. Michael Moore, the celebrated left-wing film-maker, has become the unwilling subject of a new documentary that raises damaging questions about the credibility of his work.
The director and star of successful documentaries such as Roger & Me, Bowling for Columbine and Fahrenheit 9/11, Moore has repeatedly been accused by his right-wing enemies of distorting or manipulating the material in his films. On his website he dismisses his critics as “wacko attackos”.
Yet the latest assault on Moore’s film-making techniques has come from an unexpected quarter. In Manufacturing Dissent, a documentary to be shown for the first time at a Texas film festival on Saturday, a pair of left-wing Canadian film-makers take Moore to task for what they describe as a disturbing pattern of fact-fudging and misrepresentation.--
Oh, uh, OOPS.
Leaving aside the obvious...
No, let's NOT leave aside the obvious. Michael Moore's "product" is not documentaries.
There's a genre of bad films that you can find on Pussy TV (Lifetime, WE, and other "women's networks") called a docu-drama. That's where you get to see a story that's basically true, but they punch it up by altering some of the events to make them more dramatic.
That's kind of what Michael Moore does, and if he were an honest man, it would actually be quite a funny schtick. I mean, walking into a bank, and walking out with a gun instead of a toaster as your reward for opening an account? That's a fucking riot. And if it was presented for what it is - comedy - there would be no problem.
But it's not presented as comedy. Moore wants you to believe that he's showing you reality. And that's when it stops being funny.
Journalists who play fast and loose with the truth end up disgraced and unemployed. That should also be the fate of documentarians who make it up as they go. ANd that is, in fact, what Michael Moore does.
There are still true believers out there who deny it. There's also people out there who think we didn't land on the moon, the World Trade Center was brought down by explosives, and Pancho Villa's skull is in the basement of a frat house at Yale.
Over the years, such people have had many names, including lunatics, moonbats, wearers of the tinfoil hat, Moore-ons, "special" people, and California liberals. They have always existed, and they really are harmless.
I suspect that once this documentary chronicling the Moore-on's duplicity is released, the number of true believers will dwindle even further. But they will never completely go away, because there really was a shooter on the grassy knoll. I've heard rumors that it was a bionic rock star built by the government from the remains of Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, and Richie Valens, in the bowels of a building at Area 51. (Tee hee. I just said bowels.)
I have to include this picture, because it makes me giggle more than the word "bowels" does:
*snicker*
So yeah, I'm thinking this nice Canadian couple needs to change the title of their film from Manufacturing Dissent to When Tribute Documentaries Go Horribly Wrong. And I do have some parting words for the Moore-on:
I love the way you confused and confounded a man suffering from Alzheimer's disease in Bowling For Columbine. You're a real class act. May your inevitable myocardial infarction show you more mercy than you showed Charlton Heston.
GOD you are a pathetic asshole.
.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Sunday Snake-Slapping Spree
Today it's all about business. No, not monkey business. BUSINESS business.
Like this guy who's being shipped off to federal prison for hiring illegals.
I like that you guys are finally prosecuting these dirtbags. I mean, this dude deliberately and consciously hired nothing but illegals. Thousands of them, in fact, all of whom were using fake or stolen Social Security numbers.
But fifteen months in prison doesn't sound like a lot. I guess it's kind of offset by the twelve million dollars he has to cough up, but still. Maybe knowingly hiring illegals should have a minimum sentence attached to it. Say, one month per illegal. You hire a dozen, you get a year. You hire thousands, you spend the rest of your life in federal prison.
I still like the $12 million asset forfeiture, though. Hit him where it hurts.
Next, we have some fucktards who object to the Pizza Hut Book It program.
--You've read the book, now eat the pizza.
Since 1985, that's been the gist of Pizza Hut's Book It, an incentive program used by 50,000 schools nationwide to reward young readers with free pizzas. The program is now under attack by child-development experts who say it promotes bad eating habits and turns teachers into corporate promoters.
Book It, which reaches about 22 million children a year, "epitomizes everything that's wrong with corporate-sponsored programs in school," said Susan Linn, a Harvard psychologist and co-founder of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood.--
So let me get this straight. A bunch of do-gooders are saying it's wrong to use pizza to entice the sproggies to read.
How right they are! America should just let the little bastards fall further and further behind their international peers, in the name of protecting them from developing a yen for Pizza Hut!
Come ON. No matter which way it's played, they'll still end up wanting Pizza hut. Even if they never see a television, the internet, or the Savvy Shopper coupons that come in the mail, their peers will tell them about pizza, and Pizza Hut.
So what the hell. They might as well have to do something to earn the succulent delight that is Pizza Hut, rather than just giving it to their fat asses for merely existing, right?
And then there's this week's whining feminist story.
--A woman, fully clothed in a tight dress and spiked heels, lies on her back, hips raised as a bare-chested man holds her down and four other men look on.
The menace in the situation is underscored by the fact that the woman is blankly unsmiling and some of the men appear to have slight sneers on their faces.
It isn't clear what is happening. Has he knocked her down? Is he about to strangle her? To some, the print ad from fashion brand Dolce & Gabbana suggests gang rape. To others, it's a matter of a fashion-forward brand publicizing itself.
Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization for Women, found the ad surprising and disturbing. "It's in Esquire, so they probably don't think a stylized gang rape will sell clothes to women, but what is more likely is that they think it will get them publicity," she said. Esquire did not respond to calls for comment by press time.
"It's a provocative ad but it is provoking things that really are not what we want to have provoked," Gandy continued. "We don't need any more violence." NOW is considering some form of protest, and will include it on the "Love Your Body: Offensive Ads" portion of its Web site. D&G reps declined comment.--
Oh, what the fuck ever. Dolce & Gabbana also has ads where the woman is the one controlling a bunch of guys, and ads with nothing but men in, uh... similar situations. (OH NOES! The homos are taking over!) But seriously, the chick in the photo looks... bored. She's not in any trouble. It's not a simulated rape in the making.
But ol' Kim Gandy and the rest of the irrelevant feminists have to find some way to spend their time, and D&G's "controversial" ad campaign is this week's cause.
Um, Ms. Gandy? Might I recommend a deep dicking instead? It's a lot less work (for you, anyway), and a hell of a lot more fun.
And oh, the business of idiotic lawsuits beckons. The Chocolate Mayor of the Chocolate City explains:
--Only $1 billion of the $77 billion the city is seeking from the Army Corps of Engineers is for infrastructure damages it says it suffered because of levee breaches during Hurricane Katrina. The rest is for such things as the city's tarnished image and tourist industry losses.
The city "looked at everything and just kind of piled it on," Mayor Ray Nagin said.--
Ohferfuck'ssake. The sooner the sea reclaims that dirty, dangerous, crime-infested, piece of shit city, the better.
And can somebody explain to me why these assholes are allowed to sue the government in the first place? The Army Corps of Engineers did their best. It's not their fault that you can only thwart the will of Mother Nature for so long.
Last and most important, we have some Congressional stupidity - the Employee Free Choice Act. Read the AFL-CIO's take on it here. Read the law itself here.
I'll come back to this subject later, because it's huge. But in a nutshell, the amendment of the National Labor Relations Act, which has been passed by the House and will now be considered by the Senate, removes the protections for employees from coercion by unions from the NLRA.
Yeah, now THAT is an idea whose time has come.
Not.
.
Like this guy who's being shipped off to federal prison for hiring illegals.
I like that you guys are finally prosecuting these dirtbags. I mean, this dude deliberately and consciously hired nothing but illegals. Thousands of them, in fact, all of whom were using fake or stolen Social Security numbers.
But fifteen months in prison doesn't sound like a lot. I guess it's kind of offset by the twelve million dollars he has to cough up, but still. Maybe knowingly hiring illegals should have a minimum sentence attached to it. Say, one month per illegal. You hire a dozen, you get a year. You hire thousands, you spend the rest of your life in federal prison.
I still like the $12 million asset forfeiture, though. Hit him where it hurts.
Next, we have some fucktards who object to the Pizza Hut Book It program.
--You've read the book, now eat the pizza.
Since 1985, that's been the gist of Pizza Hut's Book It, an incentive program used by 50,000 schools nationwide to reward young readers with free pizzas. The program is now under attack by child-development experts who say it promotes bad eating habits and turns teachers into corporate promoters.
Book It, which reaches about 22 million children a year, "epitomizes everything that's wrong with corporate-sponsored programs in school," said Susan Linn, a Harvard psychologist and co-founder of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood.--
So let me get this straight. A bunch of do-gooders are saying it's wrong to use pizza to entice the sproggies to read.
How right they are! America should just let the little bastards fall further and further behind their international peers, in the name of protecting them from developing a yen for Pizza Hut!
Come ON. No matter which way it's played, they'll still end up wanting Pizza hut. Even if they never see a television, the internet, or the Savvy Shopper coupons that come in the mail, their peers will tell them about pizza, and Pizza Hut.
So what the hell. They might as well have to do something to earn the succulent delight that is Pizza Hut, rather than just giving it to their fat asses for merely existing, right?
And then there's this week's whining feminist story.
--A woman, fully clothed in a tight dress and spiked heels, lies on her back, hips raised as a bare-chested man holds her down and four other men look on.
The menace in the situation is underscored by the fact that the woman is blankly unsmiling and some of the men appear to have slight sneers on their faces.
It isn't clear what is happening. Has he knocked her down? Is he about to strangle her? To some, the print ad from fashion brand Dolce & Gabbana suggests gang rape. To others, it's a matter of a fashion-forward brand publicizing itself.
Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization for Women, found the ad surprising and disturbing. "It's in Esquire, so they probably don't think a stylized gang rape will sell clothes to women, but what is more likely is that they think it will get them publicity," she said. Esquire did not respond to calls for comment by press time.
"It's a provocative ad but it is provoking things that really are not what we want to have provoked," Gandy continued. "We don't need any more violence." NOW is considering some form of protest, and will include it on the "Love Your Body: Offensive Ads" portion of its Web site. D&G reps declined comment.--
Oh, what the fuck ever. Dolce & Gabbana also has ads where the woman is the one controlling a bunch of guys, and ads with nothing but men in, uh... similar situations. (OH NOES! The homos are taking over!) But seriously, the chick in the photo looks... bored. She's not in any trouble. It's not a simulated rape in the making.
But ol' Kim Gandy and the rest of the irrelevant feminists have to find some way to spend their time, and D&G's "controversial" ad campaign is this week's cause.
Um, Ms. Gandy? Might I recommend a deep dicking instead? It's a lot less work (for you, anyway), and a hell of a lot more fun.
And oh, the business of idiotic lawsuits beckons. The Chocolate Mayor of the Chocolate City explains:
--Only $1 billion of the $77 billion the city is seeking from the Army Corps of Engineers is for infrastructure damages it says it suffered because of levee breaches during Hurricane Katrina. The rest is for such things as the city's tarnished image and tourist industry losses.
The city "looked at everything and just kind of piled it on," Mayor Ray Nagin said.--
Ohferfuck'ssake. The sooner the sea reclaims that dirty, dangerous, crime-infested, piece of shit city, the better.
And can somebody explain to me why these assholes are allowed to sue the government in the first place? The Army Corps of Engineers did their best. It's not their fault that you can only thwart the will of Mother Nature for so long.
Last and most important, we have some Congressional stupidity - the Employee Free Choice Act. Read the AFL-CIO's take on it here. Read the law itself here.
I'll come back to this subject later, because it's huge. But in a nutshell, the amendment of the National Labor Relations Act, which has been passed by the House and will now be considered by the Senate, removes the protections for employees from coercion by unions from the NLRA.
Yeah, now THAT is an idea whose time has come.
Not.
.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Dancing With The Politically Correct
My big-titted secretary is a die-hard Steelers fan, so no one was more surprised than me when she rooted for Emmitt Smith in his appearance on Dancing With The Stars last season. She sat there mesmerized, then furiously dialed multiple phones to make sure she got all her votes in. I thought she'd gone mad. I mean, a life-long Steelers worshipper rooting for a Dallas Cowboys legend?
Then I started watching the dude, and I realized Little Miss Big Tits hadn't taken leave of her senses. That man can DANCE. He's one big-ass motherfucker, but he's as light on his feet as a gazelle. (Okay, now THAT was a truly homosexual moment. 'Scuse me while I go get my Ghey Spray.)
So anyway, we've all been very excited around here about the start of the new season of Dancing With The Stars, which commences March 19th. We have, however, concluded that the scourge of diversity and political correctness, or D&PC, has taken root amongst the powers that be at ABC.
How else might one explain the choice of Heather Mills as one of this season's participants?
I mean, the show is called Dancing With The Stars, not Dancing With The One-Legged Gold Diggers. What exactly is Miss Mills the star of, except her own personal drama involving the lone surviving Beatle? (Okay, I guess technically there's another one, but sorry, Ringo, you really are sort of an afterthought.)
Here are the facts: Nobody had ever heard of Heather Mills until she got together with Paul McCartney. Now she's taking him to the cleaners after a brief marriage. That's not stardom. It's taking a shortcut to notoriety by hooking up with a wealthy, famous, powerful man. (Kind of like a less masculine version of Hillary Clinton.)
And c'mon, people, I know we're all open-minded and enlightened and shit, but a one-legged gimp on a fucking dance show?!?! Dancing, that activity that's all about legwork?!?!
Um, yeah, this should be interesting. The early fan buzz has her most likely to be eliminated first, and she has been dubbed "HateHer" on several websites, a nifty anagram of "Heather" that I wish I had been clever enough to make up. So we'll see, but it's not looking good for Hop-Along Mills.
Another wave of the flag of diversity and political correctness is Laila Ali. Wait, don't tell me. You just said "Who?", right? That was my reaction as well.
Miss Ali is Muhammad Ali's daughter. She is a boxer, like her legendary father. She has supposedly been on many magazine covers, she wrote an autobiography, and she is undefeated in her weight class in women's boxing.
Um, okay. Just the thought of women's boxing gives me the creeps. I'm sorry, but women punching on each other for entertainment? No, thank you. If they want to entertain us, put 'em in thong bikinis and have them wrestle in Jell-o.
And once again, I have to ask, is this woman really a star in her own right? Or is she just the daughter of the most famous boxer the world has ever know?
She's got something else working against her in this competition as well. Let's have a little sing-along:
DUH da, da DUH da,
Dude looks like a lady...
Seriously. She's built like a brick shit-house, and she makes her partner Maksim, one of the manliest men in this competition, look like a prancing nancy. It's just... BAD.
Vincent Pastore was going to be this season's token mafia-looking dude, but he decided the show was too "physically demanding," and he quit. Guess who they replaced him with. No, really, take a guess. You'll never get it right in a million years.
John Ratzenberger. Yeah, the guy who played Cliff Clavin, the guy whose voice brings us such joy in all those Pixar films, is going to cut a rug with... Edyta. Oh, my sweet Edyta. How do I love thee, let me count the inches of turgid moose-meat that you cause.
You know I'm just poking fun at Cliff because I'm jealous as hell, right? I would give anything, anything at all, to be rubbing my furry body up against Edyta Sliwinska on a daily basis for the next few months.
I hate you, John Ratzenberger.
The early fan favorite is Billy Ray Cyrus. Yes, THAT Billy Ray Cyrus. I hope you have Achy Breaky Heart stuck in your head for the next two weeks, because it's been stuck in mine for the last two.
Actually, Billy Ray looks really good. He got rid of the mullet, and he's aged well. He's partnered with Karina Smirnoff, that chick who always looks like she should have blood dripping from her fangs. (Don't turn your back on that one, Mr. Cyrus, or you may end up with the Achy Breaky in bodily regions you never even imagined.)
The athlete this year is Clyde Drexler. Yup, Clyde the Glide. All 6'7" of him. His partner, Elena, doesn't quite reach his collar-bone, so that should make for some interesting physical dynamics.
The OTHER athlete this season is speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno. He and his partner Julianna Hough look quite adorable together, but she's, um... Kind of young. By kind of young, I mean she's eighteen. I'm thinking they will be one of the early departures simply because she is such a novice. Sorry, dude, I guess you'll just have to settle for those Olympic gold medals, and live without the ugly disco ball trophy.
The reigning champion professional partner, Cheryl Burke, has been paired with Ian Ziering, who apparently was on that 90210 show, which was all about how awful it is to be a wealthy spoiled brat in Beverly Hills. It doesn't matter in the slightest whether he's a good dancer or not, because no one - not the judges, and not the fans - will stand for Cheryl winning three seasons in a row.
Better luck next time, dude.
I'm going to skip over Joey Fatone, Shandi Finnessey, and Leeza Gibbons, because a former member of a boy band, a former beauty queen, and a former talk show host don't tickle my crank at all. So on to the last interesting member of this year's line-up: Paulina Porizkova.
You may not know her name, but she's that supermodel that was EVERYWHERE in the 80s. You know, the one that had long pretty hair while all the rest of the models were cutting theirs dyke-short. She's also the supermodel who married that ugly bastard from The Cars, proving once again that all musicians must have foot-long cocks or something.
Anyhow, she's just a pistol. I don't know if she can dance, but she's got personality to spare, and she's funny as shit. So she's definitely one to watch. And she's another one who has aged well. Paulina, honey, you still give me a monster chubby after all these years. Good luck to you.
And to HateHer Mills and Laila Ali, I have only this to say:
Get a life, and come back and see us when you're REAL stars.
.
Then I started watching the dude, and I realized Little Miss Big Tits hadn't taken leave of her senses. That man can DANCE. He's one big-ass motherfucker, but he's as light on his feet as a gazelle. (Okay, now THAT was a truly homosexual moment. 'Scuse me while I go get my Ghey Spray.)
So anyway, we've all been very excited around here about the start of the new season of Dancing With The Stars, which commences March 19th. We have, however, concluded that the scourge of diversity and political correctness, or D&PC, has taken root amongst the powers that be at ABC.
How else might one explain the choice of Heather Mills as one of this season's participants?
I mean, the show is called Dancing With The Stars, not Dancing With The One-Legged Gold Diggers. What exactly is Miss Mills the star of, except her own personal drama involving the lone surviving Beatle? (Okay, I guess technically there's another one, but sorry, Ringo, you really are sort of an afterthought.)
Here are the facts: Nobody had ever heard of Heather Mills until she got together with Paul McCartney. Now she's taking him to the cleaners after a brief marriage. That's not stardom. It's taking a shortcut to notoriety by hooking up with a wealthy, famous, powerful man. (Kind of like a less masculine version of Hillary Clinton.)
And c'mon, people, I know we're all open-minded and enlightened and shit, but a one-legged gimp on a fucking dance show?!?! Dancing, that activity that's all about legwork?!?!
Um, yeah, this should be interesting. The early fan buzz has her most likely to be eliminated first, and she has been dubbed "HateHer" on several websites, a nifty anagram of "Heather" that I wish I had been clever enough to make up. So we'll see, but it's not looking good for Hop-Along Mills.
Another wave of the flag of diversity and political correctness is Laila Ali. Wait, don't tell me. You just said "Who?", right? That was my reaction as well.
Miss Ali is Muhammad Ali's daughter. She is a boxer, like her legendary father. She has supposedly been on many magazine covers, she wrote an autobiography, and she is undefeated in her weight class in women's boxing.
Um, okay. Just the thought of women's boxing gives me the creeps. I'm sorry, but women punching on each other for entertainment? No, thank you. If they want to entertain us, put 'em in thong bikinis and have them wrestle in Jell-o.
And once again, I have to ask, is this woman really a star in her own right? Or is she just the daughter of the most famous boxer the world has ever know?
She's got something else working against her in this competition as well. Let's have a little sing-along:
DUH da, da DUH da,
Dude looks like a lady...
Seriously. She's built like a brick shit-house, and she makes her partner Maksim, one of the manliest men in this competition, look like a prancing nancy. It's just... BAD.
Vincent Pastore was going to be this season's token mafia-looking dude, but he decided the show was too "physically demanding," and he quit. Guess who they replaced him with. No, really, take a guess. You'll never get it right in a million years.
John Ratzenberger. Yeah, the guy who played Cliff Clavin, the guy whose voice brings us such joy in all those Pixar films, is going to cut a rug with... Edyta. Oh, my sweet Edyta. How do I love thee, let me count the inches of turgid moose-meat that you cause.
You know I'm just poking fun at Cliff because I'm jealous as hell, right? I would give anything, anything at all, to be rubbing my furry body up against Edyta Sliwinska on a daily basis for the next few months.
I hate you, John Ratzenberger.
The early fan favorite is Billy Ray Cyrus. Yes, THAT Billy Ray Cyrus. I hope you have Achy Breaky Heart stuck in your head for the next two weeks, because it's been stuck in mine for the last two.
Actually, Billy Ray looks really good. He got rid of the mullet, and he's aged well. He's partnered with Karina Smirnoff, that chick who always looks like she should have blood dripping from her fangs. (Don't turn your back on that one, Mr. Cyrus, or you may end up with the Achy Breaky in bodily regions you never even imagined.)
The athlete this year is Clyde Drexler. Yup, Clyde the Glide. All 6'7" of him. His partner, Elena, doesn't quite reach his collar-bone, so that should make for some interesting physical dynamics.
The OTHER athlete this season is speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno. He and his partner Julianna Hough look quite adorable together, but she's, um... Kind of young. By kind of young, I mean she's eighteen. I'm thinking they will be one of the early departures simply because she is such a novice. Sorry, dude, I guess you'll just have to settle for those Olympic gold medals, and live without the ugly disco ball trophy.
The reigning champion professional partner, Cheryl Burke, has been paired with Ian Ziering, who apparently was on that 90210 show, which was all about how awful it is to be a wealthy spoiled brat in Beverly Hills. It doesn't matter in the slightest whether he's a good dancer or not, because no one - not the judges, and not the fans - will stand for Cheryl winning three seasons in a row.
Better luck next time, dude.
I'm going to skip over Joey Fatone, Shandi Finnessey, and Leeza Gibbons, because a former member of a boy band, a former beauty queen, and a former talk show host don't tickle my crank at all. So on to the last interesting member of this year's line-up: Paulina Porizkova.
You may not know her name, but she's that supermodel that was EVERYWHERE in the 80s. You know, the one that had long pretty hair while all the rest of the models were cutting theirs dyke-short. She's also the supermodel who married that ugly bastard from The Cars, proving once again that all musicians must have foot-long cocks or something.
Anyhow, she's just a pistol. I don't know if she can dance, but she's got personality to spare, and she's funny as shit. So she's definitely one to watch. And she's another one who has aged well. Paulina, honey, you still give me a monster chubby after all these years. Good luck to you.
And to HateHer Mills and Laila Ali, I have only this to say:
Get a life, and come back and see us when you're REAL stars.
.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Slur Me Like Ya Love Me
Fresh on the heels of the Nigger Conference (wonder how that went, anyway?), we have two more tales of people wasting valuable time and oxygen trying to make sure no one ever feels insulted.
First up, we have a squaw trying to eliminate the use of the word squaw. (Yeah, that was mean, but you'll understand why I did it in just a moment.)
--Ruby Bernal wasn't self-conscious about her American Indian heritage until her adolescence, when a band of teenage boys called her "squaw" during a drive-by heckling.
"It's like saying the 'N-word' to a black person," says Bernal, a member of the Shoshone-Bannock, one of five tribes with reservations in Idaho.
"To me, it's a slap in the face. It belittles me and it belittles all Indian women."
Bernal is among Native Americans across the West fighting to excise "squaw" from the names of region's waterways, peaks and river valleys.--
Sigh. Do you guys really have to keep going through this? Is your red skin THAT thin? There's over 800 places that have the name "squaw" on them in America, and you want them all changed because you don't like it?
Maybe if you had a job, or even an absorbing hobby, you'd be too busy to worry about stupid shit.
Honestly. All those rumors that "squaw" is a Mohawk word that means your veejayjay are bogus. The intellectually honest amongst you don't have a problem with the truth: It's derived from an Algonquin word meaning "young woman."
SO what in the fuck is wrong with a word that means something so benign? Because people tried to hurt your little fee-fees with it, and you let them? C'mon, suck it up. Seriously. You woo-woos are supposed to be tough and resilient and brave and shit. But what you look like when you whine about stupid shit is a bunch of fry-bread soaked in warm buffalo milk.
But there you sit, demanding that all the "squaw" places be renamed with words like "chimeash," which means pretty much the same thing. Yeah, because no one has anything else to do, and the supply of money to indulge idiotic whims is endless, we'll get right on that.
Okay, no we won't. I truly doubt most states, counties, and cities are going to go out of their way to waste money to make you happy. Especially when there's over 800 sites involved.
Besides, I have a better idea. Every place that has a "squaw" name should auction off the naming rights to the highest bidder. The money can be used to cover the costs of changing signs, maps, and guidebooks. And you guys can shut the fuck up, because Squaw Lake will henceforth be called something like Pudmann & Griese, Attorneys at Law Lake.
See? Think outside the box, and everybody can be happy.
Our other thin-skinned group on today's radar is the gays. Now, I've come out (so to speak) on the side of gay causes over and over. They should be allowed to marry if they wish, and to serve in the military if they want to.
But what happened to this girl was wrong. She got a permanent black mark put in her high school file for retaliating to taunting by saying, "That's so gay."
--When a few classmates razzed Rebekah Rice about her Mormon upbringing with questions such as, "Do you have 10 moms?" she shot back: "That's so gay."
Those three words landed the high school freshman in the principal's office and resulted in a lawsuit that raises this question: When do playground insults used every day all over America cross the line into hate speech that must be stamped out?
After Rice got a warning and a notation in her file, her parents sued, claiming officials at Santa Rosa's Maria Carillo High violated their daughter's First Amendment rights when they disciplined her for uttering a phrase "which enjoys widespread currency in youth culture," according to court documents.--
Personally, I don't call something gay unless it's, well, GAY. Like aubergine suede pants and a lavender silk shirt gay. But the young people use it all the time, and they don't mean it in the sense that there's something wrong with homosexuality.
Honestly, it looks to this moose like there's more going on here than meets the eye: That the girl and her parents were branded trouble-makers because they are mormon, conservative, and willing to speak out. So somebody wanted to make an example of her.
I'm hoping she wins, and the notation is removed from her file. I also hope the school is made to understand that if they're going to punish someone for saying "That's so gay," they also need to punish the people who were teasing her about about her religion, and the "openly lesbian" student who threatened her. ("Openly lesbian" usually means "bull-dyke," and those alleged women can be very... frightening.)
And, in closing, I hope everyone just lightens the fuck up. Can't we talk about something interesting instead, like my penis?
.
First up, we have a squaw trying to eliminate the use of the word squaw. (Yeah, that was mean, but you'll understand why I did it in just a moment.)
--Ruby Bernal wasn't self-conscious about her American Indian heritage until her adolescence, when a band of teenage boys called her "squaw" during a drive-by heckling.
"It's like saying the 'N-word' to a black person," says Bernal, a member of the Shoshone-Bannock, one of five tribes with reservations in Idaho.
"To me, it's a slap in the face. It belittles me and it belittles all Indian women."
Bernal is among Native Americans across the West fighting to excise "squaw" from the names of region's waterways, peaks and river valleys.--
Sigh. Do you guys really have to keep going through this? Is your red skin THAT thin? There's over 800 places that have the name "squaw" on them in America, and you want them all changed because you don't like it?
Maybe if you had a job, or even an absorbing hobby, you'd be too busy to worry about stupid shit.
Honestly. All those rumors that "squaw" is a Mohawk word that means your veejayjay are bogus. The intellectually honest amongst you don't have a problem with the truth: It's derived from an Algonquin word meaning "young woman."
SO what in the fuck is wrong with a word that means something so benign? Because people tried to hurt your little fee-fees with it, and you let them? C'mon, suck it up. Seriously. You woo-woos are supposed to be tough and resilient and brave and shit. But what you look like when you whine about stupid shit is a bunch of fry-bread soaked in warm buffalo milk.
But there you sit, demanding that all the "squaw" places be renamed with words like "chimeash," which means pretty much the same thing. Yeah, because no one has anything else to do, and the supply of money to indulge idiotic whims is endless, we'll get right on that.
Okay, no we won't. I truly doubt most states, counties, and cities are going to go out of their way to waste money to make you happy. Especially when there's over 800 sites involved.
Besides, I have a better idea. Every place that has a "squaw" name should auction off the naming rights to the highest bidder. The money can be used to cover the costs of changing signs, maps, and guidebooks. And you guys can shut the fuck up, because Squaw Lake will henceforth be called something like Pudmann & Griese, Attorneys at Law Lake.
See? Think outside the box, and everybody can be happy.
Our other thin-skinned group on today's radar is the gays. Now, I've come out (so to speak) on the side of gay causes over and over. They should be allowed to marry if they wish, and to serve in the military if they want to.
But what happened to this girl was wrong. She got a permanent black mark put in her high school file for retaliating to taunting by saying, "That's so gay."
--When a few classmates razzed Rebekah Rice about her Mormon upbringing with questions such as, "Do you have 10 moms?" she shot back: "That's so gay."
Those three words landed the high school freshman in the principal's office and resulted in a lawsuit that raises this question: When do playground insults used every day all over America cross the line into hate speech that must be stamped out?
After Rice got a warning and a notation in her file, her parents sued, claiming officials at Santa Rosa's Maria Carillo High violated their daughter's First Amendment rights when they disciplined her for uttering a phrase "which enjoys widespread currency in youth culture," according to court documents.--
Personally, I don't call something gay unless it's, well, GAY. Like aubergine suede pants and a lavender silk shirt gay. But the young people use it all the time, and they don't mean it in the sense that there's something wrong with homosexuality.
Honestly, it looks to this moose like there's more going on here than meets the eye: That the girl and her parents were branded trouble-makers because they are mormon, conservative, and willing to speak out. So somebody wanted to make an example of her.
I'm hoping she wins, and the notation is removed from her file. I also hope the school is made to understand that if they're going to punish someone for saying "That's so gay," they also need to punish the people who were teasing her about about her religion, and the "openly lesbian" student who threatened her. ("Openly lesbian" usually means "bull-dyke," and those alleged women can be very... frightening.)
And, in closing, I hope everyone just lightens the fuck up. Can't we talk about something interesting instead, like my penis?
.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
A Bore, A Gore, A Whore, And A Doorknob
Just a few ruminations on the front-runners for the 2008 democratic Presidential nomination...
Let's start with Billary the Bore. (What? You thought it was going to be Hillary the Whore? I'm wounded. No, the Bore Wars are over which Clinton is least interesting these days - Hill or Bill.)
Bill is building up quite a war chest for his husband... er, wife, by charging a half million bucks and up for speaking engagements. Now, he doesn't pimp Hilly in these speeches, and he doesn't say why he so desperately needs money, but it's not hard to read between the lines. This is his penance for fucking ugly women besides his wife.
Their latest appearance together is unpaid, though. In a pure PR ploy that would make Britney Spears blush, Billary has announced they will march in Selma to commemorate a historic voting rights effort, and to affirm for the masses that Bill is still black.
Which, I guess, makes Hillary black by insemination, presuming Bill has managed to get it up for her more than the one time that it took to create Chelsea The Dog. (No offense to the late Buddy The Dog intended. You were always the cute Clinton child.)
On a lighter note, and speaking of dogs, here's a photo of Bill, trying out a new look in an attempt to update his image and be a bigger ass(et) to his wife.
*snicker*
Anyway, on to the Gore. Albert Jr. is riding high after Melissa Etheridge humped his leg at the Academy Awards when An Inconvenient Truth won Best Adult Film or some such shit. There are whispers and rumors of a resurrection, another Gore run at the Presidency.
(I'm looking forward to Seeing Gore star in a documentary called A Hostile Atmosphere, where he goes to Mars to make a film explaining why that planet is getting warmer just like Earth is. But I digress.)
The entertainment industry greenies love Al Gore, because he makes them feel better about their own excesses. When Mr. Global Warming galavants about the country in a private jet telling everyone to be more environmentally aware, their own hypocrisy is somewhat lessened, in their collective celebrity eyes anyway.
So then it comes out that Gore has this huge honkin' mansion in Tennessee, that consumes more power in a month than the average American family does in more than a year. (As an aside, it's got eight bathrooms. EIGHT!! How the hell many places do he and Tipper need to launch a butt missile?!?!)
But no worries, because Mr. Green purchases "carbon offsets," which somehow philosophically make up for his conspicuous consumption of coal-fired power from the Tennessee Valley authority as well as natural gas.
You may have heard of these conscience-soothing "carbon offsets." They are available through a company called Generation Investment Management, which was co-founded by its current chairman, one Albert Gore Jr.
Yeah, Algore's getting a tax break to buy "carbon offsets" from himself. And yes, that IS really fucking funny.
Someone needs to send Ed Begley Jr. in to do a Green Eye For The Hypocrite Guy make-over on the Gore mansion.
And after the Gore, we have the Whore. As in, the Media Attention Whore, Barack Obama. He, too, will be in Selma, marching and pretending to be black.
Unfortunately for him, that just keeps getting harder and harder. (And it's not the good kind of hard.) This geneology site reveals a wee "inconvenient truth" about ol' Osamabama.
"Several of Mr. Obama's maternal ancestors owned slaves. Mr. Obama's slave-owning ancestors include George Washington Overall (number 110, above, husband of Mrs. Louisiana Duvall Overall and father-in-law of the Christopher Columbus Clark mentioned above) and Mrs. Mary Grable Duvall (number 223, above, mother of Mrs. Louisiana Duvall Overall and grandmother-in-law of Christopher Columbus Clark), both of whom are enumerated in the 1850 Federal Census as slave owners. George Washington Overall is also enumerated in the 1860 Federal Census as a slave owner. See the Extracts from the Federal Censuses, above, for details."
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Now ordinarily, this wouldn't be that big a deal. Everyone has some skeletons swinging on their family tree. But it's kind of hard to pull off that empathize with your fellow "oppressed African-Americans" thing when a) you aren't one of them, and b) you are in fact one of the oppressors, at least genetically.
So sad, yet so giggle-licious.
And last, but not least, the Doorknob, John Edwards. His poll numbers are shit, and no one's paying the least bit of attention to him. That must hurt.
Oh, well. At least John Kerry will always love him. More than he loves the Ketchup Chick, anyway.
Now I'm going to have nightmares about those three asses. There goes my boner for another month.
God DAMN it's going to be a long run-up to the 2008 election.
.
Let's start with Billary the Bore. (What? You thought it was going to be Hillary the Whore? I'm wounded. No, the Bore Wars are over which Clinton is least interesting these days - Hill or Bill.)
Bill is building up quite a war chest for his husband... er, wife, by charging a half million bucks and up for speaking engagements. Now, he doesn't pimp Hilly in these speeches, and he doesn't say why he so desperately needs money, but it's not hard to read between the lines. This is his penance for fucking ugly women besides his wife.
Their latest appearance together is unpaid, though. In a pure PR ploy that would make Britney Spears blush, Billary has announced they will march in Selma to commemorate a historic voting rights effort, and to affirm for the masses that Bill is still black.
Which, I guess, makes Hillary black by insemination, presuming Bill has managed to get it up for her more than the one time that it took to create Chelsea The Dog. (No offense to the late Buddy The Dog intended. You were always the cute Clinton child.)
On a lighter note, and speaking of dogs, here's a photo of Bill, trying out a new look in an attempt to update his image and be a bigger ass(et) to his wife.
*snicker*
Anyway, on to the Gore. Albert Jr. is riding high after Melissa Etheridge humped his leg at the Academy Awards when An Inconvenient Truth won Best Adult Film or some such shit. There are whispers and rumors of a resurrection, another Gore run at the Presidency.
(I'm looking forward to Seeing Gore star in a documentary called A Hostile Atmosphere, where he goes to Mars to make a film explaining why that planet is getting warmer just like Earth is. But I digress.)
The entertainment industry greenies love Al Gore, because he makes them feel better about their own excesses. When Mr. Global Warming galavants about the country in a private jet telling everyone to be more environmentally aware, their own hypocrisy is somewhat lessened, in their collective celebrity eyes anyway.
So then it comes out that Gore has this huge honkin' mansion in Tennessee, that consumes more power in a month than the average American family does in more than a year. (As an aside, it's got eight bathrooms. EIGHT!! How the hell many places do he and Tipper need to launch a butt missile?!?!)
But no worries, because Mr. Green purchases "carbon offsets," which somehow philosophically make up for his conspicuous consumption of coal-fired power from the Tennessee Valley authority as well as natural gas.
You may have heard of these conscience-soothing "carbon offsets." They are available through a company called Generation Investment Management, which was co-founded by its current chairman, one Albert Gore Jr.
Yeah, Algore's getting a tax break to buy "carbon offsets" from himself. And yes, that IS really fucking funny.
Someone needs to send Ed Begley Jr. in to do a Green Eye For The Hypocrite Guy make-over on the Gore mansion.
And after the Gore, we have the Whore. As in, the Media Attention Whore, Barack Obama. He, too, will be in Selma, marching and pretending to be black.
Unfortunately for him, that just keeps getting harder and harder. (And it's not the good kind of hard.) This geneology site reveals a wee "inconvenient truth" about ol' Osamabama.
"Several of Mr. Obama's maternal ancestors owned slaves. Mr. Obama's slave-owning ancestors include George Washington Overall (number 110, above, husband of Mrs. Louisiana Duvall Overall and father-in-law of the Christopher Columbus Clark mentioned above) and Mrs. Mary Grable Duvall (number 223, above, mother of Mrs. Louisiana Duvall Overall and grandmother-in-law of Christopher Columbus Clark), both of whom are enumerated in the 1850 Federal Census as slave owners. George Washington Overall is also enumerated in the 1860 Federal Census as a slave owner. See the Extracts from the Federal Censuses, above, for details."
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Now ordinarily, this wouldn't be that big a deal. Everyone has some skeletons swinging on their family tree. But it's kind of hard to pull off that empathize with your fellow "oppressed African-Americans" thing when a) you aren't one of them, and b) you are in fact one of the oppressors, at least genetically.
So sad, yet so giggle-licious.
And last, but not least, the Doorknob, John Edwards. His poll numbers are shit, and no one's paying the least bit of attention to him. That must hurt.
Oh, well. At least John Kerry will always love him. More than he loves the Ketchup Chick, anyway.
Now I'm going to have nightmares about those three asses. There goes my boner for another month.
God DAMN it's going to be a long run-up to the 2008 election.
.
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