Dancing With The Politically Correct

My big-titted secretary is a die-hard Steelers fan, so no one was more surprised than me when she rooted for Emmitt Smith in his appearance on Dancing With The Stars last season. She sat there mesmerized, then furiously dialed multiple phones to make sure she got all her votes in. I thought she'd gone mad. I mean, a life-long Steelers worshipper rooting for a Dallas Cowboys legend?

Then I started watching the dude, and I realized Little Miss Big Tits hadn't taken leave of her senses. That man can DANCE. He's one big-ass motherfucker, but he's as light on his feet as a gazelle. (Okay, now THAT was a truly homosexual moment. 'Scuse me while I go get my Ghey Spray.)

So anyway, we've all been very excited around here about the start of the new season of Dancing With The Stars, which commences March 19th. We have, however, concluded that the scourge of diversity and political correctness, or D&PC, has taken root amongst the powers that be at ABC.

How else might one explain the choice of Heather Mills as one of this season's participants?

I mean, the show is called Dancing With The Stars, not Dancing With The One-Legged Gold Diggers. What exactly is Miss Mills the star of, except her own personal drama involving the lone surviving Beatle? (Okay, I guess technically there's another one, but sorry, Ringo, you really are sort of an afterthought.)

Here are the facts: Nobody had ever heard of Heather Mills until she got together with Paul McCartney. Now she's taking him to the cleaners after a brief marriage. That's not stardom. It's taking a shortcut to notoriety by hooking up with a wealthy, famous, powerful man. (Kind of like a less masculine version of Hillary Clinton.)

And c'mon, people, I know we're all open-minded and enlightened and shit, but a one-legged gimp on a fucking dance show?!?! Dancing, that activity that's all about legwork?!?!

Um, yeah, this should be interesting. The early fan buzz has her most likely to be eliminated first, and she has been dubbed "HateHer" on several websites, a nifty anagram of "Heather" that I wish I had been clever enough to make up. So we'll see, but it's not looking good for Hop-Along Mills.

Another wave of the flag of diversity and political correctness is Laila Ali. Wait, don't tell me. You just said "Who?", right? That was my reaction as well.

Miss Ali is Muhammad Ali's daughter. She is a boxer, like her legendary father. She has supposedly been on many magazine covers, she wrote an autobiography, and she is undefeated in her weight class in women's boxing.

Um, okay. Just the thought of women's boxing gives me the creeps. I'm sorry, but women punching on each other for entertainment? No, thank you. If they want to entertain us, put 'em in thong bikinis and have them wrestle in Jell-o.

And once again, I have to ask, is this woman really a star in her own right? Or is she just the daughter of the most famous boxer the world has ever know?

She's got something else working against her in this competition as well. Let's have a little sing-along:

DUH da, da DUH da,
Dude looks like a lady...

Seriously. She's built like a brick shit-house, and she makes her partner Maksim, one of the manliest men in this competition, look like a prancing nancy. It's just... BAD.

Vincent Pastore was going to be this season's token mafia-looking dude, but he decided the show was too "physically demanding," and he quit. Guess who they replaced him with. No, really, take a guess. You'll never get it right in a million years.

John Ratzenberger. Yeah, the guy who played Cliff Clavin, the guy whose voice brings us such joy in all those Pixar films, is going to cut a rug with... Edyta. Oh, my sweet Edyta. How do I love thee, let me count the inches of turgid moose-meat that you cause.

You know I'm just poking fun at Cliff because I'm jealous as hell, right? I would give anything, anything at all, to be rubbing my furry body up against Edyta Sliwinska on a daily basis for the next few months.

I hate you, John Ratzenberger.

The early fan favorite is Billy Ray Cyrus. Yes, THAT Billy Ray Cyrus. I hope you have Achy Breaky Heart stuck in your head for the next two weeks, because it's been stuck in mine for the last two.

Actually, Billy Ray looks really good. He got rid of the mullet, and he's aged well. He's partnered with Karina Smirnoff, that chick who always looks like she should have blood dripping from her fangs. (Don't turn your back on that one, Mr. Cyrus, or you may end up with the Achy Breaky in bodily regions you never even imagined.)

The athlete this year is Clyde Drexler. Yup, Clyde the Glide. All 6'7" of him. His partner, Elena, doesn't quite reach his collar-bone, so that should make for some interesting physical dynamics.

The OTHER athlete this season is speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno. He and his partner Julianna Hough look quite adorable together, but she's, um... Kind of young. By kind of young, I mean she's eighteen. I'm thinking they will be one of the early departures simply because she is such a novice. Sorry, dude, I guess you'll just have to settle for those Olympic gold medals, and live without the ugly disco ball trophy.

The reigning champion professional partner, Cheryl Burke, has been paired with Ian Ziering, who apparently was on that 90210 show, which was all about how awful it is to be a wealthy spoiled brat in Beverly Hills. It doesn't matter in the slightest whether he's a good dancer or not, because no one - not the judges, and not the fans - will stand for Cheryl winning three seasons in a row.

Better luck next time, dude.

I'm going to skip over Joey Fatone, Shandi Finnessey, and Leeza Gibbons, because a former member of a boy band, a former beauty queen, and a former talk show host don't tickle my crank at all. So on to the last interesting member of this year's line-up: Paulina Porizkova.

You may not know her name, but she's that supermodel that was EVERYWHERE in the 80s. You know, the one that had long pretty hair while all the rest of the models were cutting theirs dyke-short. She's also the supermodel who married that ugly bastard from The Cars, proving once again that all musicians must have foot-long cocks or something.

Anyhow, she's just a pistol. I don't know if she can dance, but she's got personality to spare, and she's funny as shit. So she's definitely one to watch. And she's another one who has aged well. Paulina, honey, you still give me a monster chubby after all these years. Good luck to you.

And to HateHer Mills and Laila Ali, I have only this to say:

Get a life, and come back and see us when you're REAL stars.

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