It's The End Of The World As We Know It!

Also known as When Capitalism And Girl Power Collide.

This is a story about brand identity, consumerism, little girls, and perspective. An anguished mother made a blog entry about her daughter's experience at American Girl Place. To say that experience was less than positive would be like saying Charles Manson is a little bit of a homicidal maniac. The whole thing was a cluster-fuck.

You see, little Etta was invited by a friend to bring her doll to a hairstyling event at a store in Manhattan dedicated to American Girl dolls. The hairstyling was for the dolls, not the little girls, which is kind of creepy. Who seriously pays twenty bucks to get their doll's hair styled?

But that's beside the point. The problem arose because little Etta's doll, Gracie, is not an American Girl doll. American Girl dolls are about a hundred bucks a piece, and Gracie is a $29.99 doll from Target.

The doll hair stylist said the Target doll wasn't "real." I'm sure she meant that it was an inexpensive, crude knock-off of the "official" American Girl dolls, but it seems the way the girl took it was, "This isn't a real doll."

Now frankly, when I think of "real dolls," I think of...

WARNING! Do not open this link if your boss is looking over your shoulder, or you may find yourself unemployed. The boobies are made of latex, but they're still there.

Anyway, to me, there's only one Real Doll. But then again, I'm a pervert and constantly horny, so of COURSE that's what would pop up in my head. (Hee. I said "pop up in my head.")

Ahem. Then all the Snobby Mommies made snobby comments, the girl cried and decided she didn't love Gracie anymore, and her mother wrote about it. (Yo, American Girl Place. I understand why you won't service dolls other than your own. It's to preserve the elitism of your brand. But it would be nice if you pointed that out on your website, so this doesn't happen again.)

Next, the sad story of Etta and Gracie was posted on consumerist.com, where even more people expressed outrage at the way this incident went down.

And it does suck that a little girl was mistreated by a bunch of twats with a stick up their ass. I know all about wanting something, and being disappointed when you don't get it.

But isn't the outrage a bit, uh... disproportionate to the actual events? I mean, are today's little hatchlings really so under-stimulated and over-indulged that a screw-up at a doll hair salon is a life-altering (or life-destroying) event?

Seriously, kid. There's sproggies out there with REAL problems. Like leukemia, or getting run over by a bus, or being molested by their grandfather. Your issue really IS trivial by comparison. I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but seriously, it isn't. You (and your doll) will live.

As I look into my crystal ball while stroking my telepathic penis, I will make the following prediction:

American Girl Place will try to make this right by giving the kid a "real" American Girl doll, and a shit-pile of clothes and accessories for it. And thus she will learn... What? That if you whine and cry about the unfairness of life, a relatively trivial matter will be mitigated in a splashy, expensive, overboard way?

Yeah, that's a lesson every kid needs.

And I still can't fucking believe anyone would cough up twenty bucks to get their doll's hair styled. But hey, that's the convergence of capitalism and odd priorities for ya.

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