Kurt Busch Is An Asshole

So is Roger Penske.

I know. That's not news. What IS news is that NASCAR has announced that Kurt Busch will not be suspended for his little attempt to maim a jack-man.

Oh, they fined him 100 driver points and $100,000, and put him on probation for the remainder of the season. And gee, they also took 100 owner points away from Penske. But no suspension.

Their murky bullshit logic is that he sat out for the remainder of the Dover race, so he's already served something akin to a suspension. That's interesting rationalizing, except for the fact that his car was wrecked, so he wasn't going to be out on the track anyway.

But what's a pesky detail like that, when Kurt Busch got away scot-free with putting a man's life in danger? No, no, I don't want to hear the bullshit about the driver points and monetary fine. Those will teach Kurtsey nothing. He's a multi-millionaire, and the number of points lost wasn't sufficient to put him in a hole he can't climb out of.

So congratulations, Kurt. You are the new standard-bearer for what's acceptable behavior in NASCAR.

And you, Roger Penske... Shame, shame, SHAME on you. If you were any kind of owner, and any kind of man, you would have told Kurt to quit whining and suck it up. But instead, you went and sucked some NASCAR Honcho dick; begged, pleaded, threatened, cajoled, until they gave your sniveling, whiny ass its way. You must be so proud.

Loser.

NASCAR has a long and storied history of, um... differences of opinion between the various players. That sometimes led to such outcomes as fist fights in the garage. Hell, there was even a chick-fight last season, when Kurt Busch wrecked Greg Biffle at Texas Motor Speedway, and Biffle's woman went after Busch's. (Okay, that was some funny shit.)

But none of those scuffles, past or present, involved some psychotic mother-fucker trying to kill the jack-man. It's unprecedented in the sport.

And more to the point, NASCAR is changing. It's not strictly the province of redneck yahoos anymore. NASCAR has two choices: They can reject the new fans, and the shitload of cash that comes with them. Or they can embrace them, and understand that 85% of the fans thought Bat Ears Busch deserved a suspension.

The fans have a choice as well. We can actively work to change the sport, or we can stop following NASCAR. The big-titted secretary is in favor of everyone raising a united voice to take NASCAR in the direction it needs to go. I'm more inclined to tell them to kiss my hairy brown ass.

I guess since she's the one who does my typing for me, she wins. Wench.

Still, let's not gloss over what's really at issue here.



Jason Lee, crouched on the hood of a car, is what this is all about. Work to change NASCAR all you want, Little Miss Big Tits. But don't forget this incident when Kurt finally gets around to killing somebody.

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The Idiots At NASCAR

Seriously. The Powers That Be at NASCAR are either stupid, crazy, or on the take. There's no other explanation for what's going on.

Kurt Busch and Tony Stewart got into it at Dover. They were racing each other hard, and during a pass, they both ended up in the wall.

That's nothing new. Those two always race each other hard. Busch wrecked Stewart at Daytona this year, and they've had a few other less serious skirmishes along the way as well.

Both parties say the other is at fault. Looking at all the different camera angles, I'm inclined to say it's on Busch, or rather, on Busch's spotters. It's pretty obvious that he wasn't quite clear of Stewart when he headed back to the top.

Busch says Stewart should have given him some room, to which I say, "Bullshit."

But like most incidents of this nature, they should have scowled at each other, made some snarky comments to the press, and let it go. Problem is, Kurt Busch wouldn't. He pulled up beside Tony Stewart's car on pit road, lightly grazing it and almost hitting Stewart's jack-man.

Yes, you heard that right. If Jason Lee, who was inspecting the damage to Stewart's car when Busch came barreling in, hadn't seen him coming and jumped over the right front corner of the car, he would no longer be amongst the quick.

NASCAR made Busch sit out the rest of the race, and you can read what Stewart and his crew had to say about the incident here.

(Calling Busch a "bad apple" is kind of mild. I wish he'd ended up being called "found in the desert, bound and gagged, with a jack up his ass" instead. But I digress.)

So now, NASCAR is contemplating what penalty to issue Kurt Busch. Normally they would have made an announcement by now, but the race was rain-delayed until Monday, delaying the post-race meeting. Also, Bill France, the "father of modern NASCAR," passed away Sunday, and the focus of many in NASCAR was his pending memorial service. (Rest in peace, Bill.)

Anyway, NASCAR said they'd be announcing Busch's penalty late tonight. But they backed off on that, and now it's to be announced on Friday. The rumors on the internet are that he will be suspended for one race.

One race? ONE FUCKING RACE?!?! That better not be all he gets. To put this in perspective, take a look at this photo:



See that poor bastard on the hood of Stewart's car? He got there because he saw Busch coming, JUMPED FROM THE SIDE OF THE CAR WHERE HE WAS EXAMINING SHEET METAL DAMAGE TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR, then leapt up on the hood to shake his fist at Kurt Busch. (Congratulations to Tony Stewart's entire crew for exercising restraint. Well done, gentlemen.)

Busch could have killed Jason Lee. Or crushed his legs and made him a double amputee. If this incident happened in the Kroger parking lot, someone would be going to jail for assault or attempted murder. But it's NASCAR, so it only merits a one-race suspension? What the fuck?!?!

There are also rumors that the reason NASCAR is delaying the announcement about Busch's penalty is because Roger Penske, who swings a pretty big stick in the sport, is trying to talk them into an even lighter punishment than one race. If that's true, all I can say is, Penske is no Jack Roush. He - not NASCAR - parked Kurt Busch for two races for getting lippy with the cops after he was pulled over for speeding and suspected drunk driving.

Way to go, Jack. Roger could learn something from you.

Of course, it's also possible that it's the other way around: That Penske asked for more time, in order to assuage the #2 car's sponsor, Miller Lite. If that's the case, I hope they don't back down, and demand that Penske do something even if NASCAR won't.

Personally, I'm in favor of a lifetime ban. But I know that's not gonna happen. So how about a suspension for the rest of the season? Or maybe a six-race suspension, a multi-million dollar fine, 500 driver points, and an apology to Jason Lee?

Please, NASCAR... Don't treat this like it was no big deal. Because it WAS a big deal. Kurt Busch has amply demonstrated that he is a tragedy waiting to happen

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ODD - Now I've Officially Heard It All

ODD stands for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. You can read about it here.

You might want to wear a neck brace so you don't get whiplash from shaking your head so much.

Here's a partial list of symptoms from the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry website:

- frequent temper tantrums
- excessive arguing with adults
- active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
- deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
- blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
- often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
- frequent anger and resentment
- mean and hateful talking when upset
- seeking revenge

Somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but back in the day before everything was classified as a "syndrome" or "disorder," weren't kids like this referred to by a much simpler and more accurate term?

Oh, yes, I remember it now. They were called "spoiled brats."

Interestingly, ODD (what a great acronym!) only appears to affect children with crappy parents and children with weird parents. The normal, middle class families with two parents in the home seem to be able to get through childhood without being diagnosed with ODD, ADD, ADHD, borderline personality disorder, depression, or any other neuroses or psychoses.

I first heard of this ODD shit because part of my mission is to scour the internet for crazy stuff to make fun of. I stumbled upon a heart-wrenching tale of an only child whose parents are older, and proudly self-proclaimed non-conformists. They compare teachers and administrators at a school to the masters on a slave plantation.

This, of course, leads little Bratley to exercise a unique brand of non-conformism at school against the oppressors - defying them at every turn. That results in such interesting outcomes as the parents asking for "enrichment" work for Bratley, under the pretext that the spoiled brat behavior means their little precious darling isn't being "challenged."

I see a happy ending in this kid's future, either as a school shooter or a serial killer.

It's nice that some folks have the luxury of going "disorder shopping" to explain away their piss-poor parenting techniques. Unfortunately, by the time it's a full-blown "disorder," it is too late to fix it.

But here are some helpful hints from the Danny A. Moose Foundation For Brat Prevention anyway:

- Learn to say no, and mean it.
- Don't hesitate to give your kid a good spanking when he/she is out of control.
- Don't argue with your child. You are the parent. What you say goes.
- Save your New Age bullshit for your fellow hippies when you get together on Saturday nights to twist up a fattie. Conventional parenting is the only hope you have of raising reasonably normal children.
- Laugh loudly at any diagnosis that's just an excuse for your kid's awful behavior.

And if you do all this from the start, you might even end up with a child who does well in life.

Good luck.

Oh, and... You're welcome.

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Maybe He Just Needs A Baby Jesus Butt Plug

Okay, this is just WRONG. A lady that worked as an organist at a church for thirty-five years, essentially for free, has been fired from her job for making her living selling sex toys and other "love aids." The priest who fired her claims the products she sells are "not consistent with Church teachings."

--A Catholic priest has removed his church's organist and choir director from her duties saying her sale of sex toys was not ''consistent with Church teachings.''

Linette Servais, 50, played the organ and sung with the choir for 35 years. Much of her work as choir director and organist was done without pay. When her parish priest asked to meet with her, she thought it was to say thank you.

Instead, she was told to quit her sales job with company known as Pure Romance or she would lose her position in the church.

Pure Romance in Loveland, Ohio, is a $60 million per year business that sells spa products and sex toys at homes parties attended by women. It has 15,000 consultants like Servais.--

So let me get this straight. Catholics want people to have lots of sex, and make lots of little Catholic babies. But they object to the sale of devices and lotions and oils and such that might help women actually ENJOY all that baby-making sex.

Has it occurred to priests like Father Dombroski that if sex is a chore on par with scrubbing the toilets to a woman, she might not be willing to put out very often? Has it dawned on him that the Pure Romance folks are performing a valuable service, by helping women work through whatever issues they might have with their sexuality? Who the fuck are these women SUPPOSED to talk to about their questions and concerns? Their priest, who knows roughly as much about sex as I know about playing the trombone?

That was a shitty thing to do to this woman who has given her life to her church. But why should anyone be surprised? Catholic priests are the sick bastards who molest altar boys, or the even sicker bastards who cover it up.

I'm telling you, she really should anonymously send Father Dobroski a Baby Jesus butt plug. That'll fix what ails him. While she's at it, she needs to tie him up and make him watch The Dildo Song a hundred or so times.

WARNING!!! If you click these links, you will see pictures of adult toys, and hear a song about dildos. I shouldn't have warn people about shit like this, but I don't need the aggravation of getting hate mail saying "That was a link to a picture of a Baby Jesus butt plug!" Duh. What did you think it was? A link to a recipe for beef stroganoff?

On a completely unrelated note, I was doing some reading in preparation for tonight's season premier of Hell's Kitchen. I was kinda shocked to run across a story about a contestant from last season, Rachel Brown. Apparently she has passed away.

--Rachel Brown, a 41-year-old personal chef who competed on the second season of Fox's Hell's Kitchen, was reportedly found dead in her family home in Bedford, TX on Wednesday, May 9.--

As vague as the story is, I'm guessing suicide. But whatever happened, it's kind of freaky and sad.

Other top stories on that particular reality TV site include the tale of Baldwin vs. Bull.

--Stephen Baldwin learned just how real reality television can be when he was reportedly bucked to the ground by a bull while filming CMT's Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge last Thursday.

"I held on for about four jumps, and then I just ate a bunch of dirt," Baldwin told Reuters in a telephone interview Friday.

A safety helmet apparently didn't help Baldwin, as he told Reuters he suffered a broken left scapula as well as a broken rib when he "landed hard" and "got stepped on a little bit, too" during the training session that ended with his fall.

"We were supposed to be on these kind of dainty versions of [bulls] that weren't supposed to get too excited," he told Reuters. "But you never can tell what a bull's gonna do. So this particular one that I had kind of rose to the occasion."--

So in other words, it isn't just members of their own species that hate the Baldwin brothers. Pussyfied bulls hate them too. *snicker*

My jaw dropped when I saw who some of the other contestants are. Leif Garrett? He's been off the radar for about three decades. Vanilla Ice? Two decades. Rocket Ismail? Isn't that the dude who wrecked his career because he thought it was a good idea to play football in Canada instead of for the NFL? And the list gets less impressive from there.

The bottom of the barrel has officially been scraped. Baby Jesus butt plugs all around.

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Pole Wakes From Coma To See Soccer Fans Being Rowdy

The hot dogs were on the house.

Okay, that's not exactly what happened. These are three separate stories. But they're all kind of interesting, so here we go.

Some dude in Poland woke up from a nineteen year coma the other day.

--A 65-year-old railwayman who fell into a coma following an accident in communist Poland regained consciousness 19 years later to find democracy and a market economy, Polish media reported on Saturday.--

Wow. What a mind-fuck. Communism falls, the world goes through huge changes, and you sleep through the whole thing. Then you wake up, and have to take it all in.

I'm amazed that his wife stood by him all those years, but that's because I'm a cynical bastard. Bless your heart, Gertruda.

Next we have a truly shocking story: Soccer fans being rowdy.

--The European Championship qualifier between Sweden and Denmark was abandoned at 3-3 Saturday after a Danish fan tried to attack the referee for awarding a penalty kick in the 89th minute.

Danish soccer officials initially said referee Herbert Fandel had awarded Sweden a 3-0 victory, but European soccer's governing body said the result would have to be confirmed by an investigation.--

Shit, can't those idiots EVER hold a soccer match without anyone getiing out of line? It's a SOCCER GAME, people, not the future of the planet. Relaaaaax. Be mellow.

Incidents like this also illustrate the difference between Europeans and Americans. They riot when their team loses. American sports fans in places like Chicago, Detroit, and LA burn their cities down when their team wins a championship.

The Europeans don't get much right, but I think they've got Americans beat on that one.

And last but most importantly, the hot dog eating record long held by that little Japanese guy has been broken!

--A California man smashed the world record for hot dog eating at a contest Saturday, gobbling up more than 59 franks in 12 minutes.

Joey Chestnut, 22, of San Jose, shattered the record held by Takeru Kobayashi of Japan by downing 59 1/2 "HBDs" -- hot dogs and buns -- during the Southwest Regional Hot Dog Eating Championship at the Arizona Mills Mall in suburban Tempe.--

Coooooooool! Now let's hope he kicks the Asian dude's skinny ass at the Nathan's Famous annual Fourth Of July contest as well. Team America, FUCK YEAH!!!

I do have to add, however, that the idea of eating that many hot dogs makes me a little sick to my moose stomach. But hey, to each his own as far as hobbies go.

I also have to add that I have a giant moose wiener that's freely available to all the pretty ladies. Just thought I'd remind everyone of that.

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Haven't These Shitheads Ever Heard Of Birth Control?

This story made my head explode. I'm not kidding. There are bits of moose brain scattered over four counties.

--When it comes to children, one Dallas mother knows about having them in pairs.

The odds are one in 500,000 but she's giving birth today to her third set of twins at Baylor University Medical Center.

But with the joy comes great challenges.

Inside the wood frame house, life resembles the nursery rhyme of the old woman who lived in a shoe.

But here, young mom Amanda Gonzales cares for four-year-old Natalie, three-year-old twins Adam and Sebastian and two-year-old twins Rachel and Raquel.

Two more twin girls are scheduled for a c-section birth today.--

So wow. They must both have really good jobs to pay for all those kids, huh? Probably older parents with college degrees or something. Kind of like the Duggar family with their brood of sixteen, right?

Uh, no.

--But with neither the 21-year-old father nor the 20-year-old mother employed - all the children are supported by welfare - the young family faces financial and emotional obstacles.--

Well no shit.

You humans really are the stupidest species ever, aren't you? It really doesn't bother you that a twenty year old woman has seven (and counting) children age four and under, and that you will have to support them to adulthood because she will never get out of the situation she created for herself, does it? And you don't care that her seven (and counting) children will also fail at life just like she has, and you will end up supporting their children as well, does it?

I find it interesting that the father of the latest set of twins is not the father of the other five children. So where are the other three fathers that magnanimously dropped a load of jizz in Amanda's stretched-out-like-an-old-tube-sock cooter? Don't they have child support laws in Texas?

Why, imagine that! If the current depositor got a job, and the other three depositors paid child support, this woman could probably get off welfare! YAY!

But it ain't gonna happen, because this "family" has no interest in being off welfare. They're perfectly content to leech from the system, and let other people pay for their life choices. "I always wanted to have a lot of kids" indeed. Yes, because the world needs more stupid people raising their kids up to be just like them.

Of course, there are ways to dis-incentivize a woman from squirting out a whole passel of bastards before she's even of legal drinking age. But you guys won't even contemplate any of that nonsense. Cuz, ya know, this woman has a RIGHT to breed irresponsibly and wreck seven (and counting) children's lives.

Clearly, you are doomed. Might as well cancel yourselves and leave the whole thing to the cockroaches right now.

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