Dancing With The Heros (And The Zeros)

Ladies and gentlemen, mark your calenders, because I have a confession that I don't often make:

I was wrong.

In my last comments about Dancing With The Stars, I said Julianne Hough and Apolo Anton Ohno's dancing would lack maturity, and they would be leaving the show early.

I was so wrong that I feel like Janet Reno. (Okay, maybe not THAT wrong.) But still, it is shocking to me that the young, adorable Apolo and Julianne delivered the finest quickstep that Dancing With The Stars has ever seen, or will likely ever see again.

This is the couple to beat, folks. Two very grounded, yet fiercely competitive young people, who light the fucking floor on fire. He's like this little super ninja Fist Of Legend guy. Take a look at the photo on his website and you'll see what I mean. And her... Well, she's just a doll. My lust for Edyta remains intact, but this one is special too.

And to top it all off, Apolo is just an awesome guy. Check this out. He won a gold medal in the 1500 meters at the World Championships in Milan (while training for the show), on his way to winning the bronze overall. And guess what he did with that gold medal?

He gave it to his coach.

Apolo, you rock, you roll, you rule. Me and the big-titted secretary are behind you all the way.

So we've covered the heros. Let's move on to the zeros. Heather Mills is still in the competition. This is at the expense of the lovely Paulina Porizkova, who was handed her walking papers Tuesday night.

(Note to ABC: Please get rid of that sorry excuse for a co-host Samantha Boring, or whatever the fuck her name is, and hire Paulina. She's better looking, she has an actual personality, and she won't stumble over those long eastern European names with too many consonants.)

Anyway, back to HateHer Mills. Her costume was stupid. It looked like something you'd see at a sit-in, if there were any hippies left, and if they weren't too brain damaged from all the drugs to stage a sit-in. She seriously makes my moose-meat wilt more than Hillary Clinton does, and THAT is saying a lot.

And her dancing is as wooden as her leg. (Yeah, I know they don't make peg-legs out of wood anymore, but humor me.) She shook her tits like a stripper, but from the waist down, she was pure Murphy's Oil Soap gone wrong.

And not that her personal life matters, but...

Oh, fuck it. Her personal life DOES matter, because she put the fucking thing on display. So, it's fair game.

And the most creep-o-tronic thing so far about said personal life isn't the prostitution. It isn't the nudie pictures from the "sex manual." No, the creepiest thing so far is...

Wait for it...

Back in the 90s, she impersonated an investigative journalist who is also named Heather Mills.

Now THAT is a true "What the FUCK?!?!" moment. How could she think she wouldn't get caught? What made her think such a ruse was a good idea? Is she totally out of her fucking mind?

Now, Ms. Mills is working on her exit strategy from the show. She's said she can't rehearse because of back pain. She's all pissed that she was assigned the jive instead of the tango. She's fucked, and she knows it.

So the moose predicts an early withdrawal, so to speak. Heather's plan to make America love her has backfired in a spectacular way, and the only method of flushing her shit down the drain is to say, "Sorry, Jonathan. I simply cannot go on. The pain is too much."

Buhbye, bitch.

The other soon-to-be buhbye is Shandi and Brian, our other zeros of the night. She can't dance for shit, and he...

Let's put it this way. If Apolo Ohno is Fist Of Legend, Brian Fortuna is Fist Of Salami. As in, he wants that Fist Of Salami driving right up his Hershey Highway. He's so fuckin' gay that he makes Oscar Wilde look straight. Deep deep DEEP in the closet, no doubt, but gay gay GAY.

But wait, there's more. He has a creepy mother. She's got some comments about the show on her website. A couple of highlights:

Brian and Shandi - WHERE IS HIS COSTUME??????????????????? Did they give him something ridicuous and then he wouldn't wear it????? That's my guess. Or did he ask for something ridiculous and then they wouldn't allow him to wear it? Or did part of the costume get in the way of the dance? He told me he would be wearing a jacket. Why isn't she wearing a skirt with enough fabric to MOVE??????? What's with the hairdo - time for something NEW!!!!!!!!!!

And:

I am up to here with the publicity, PR, promos, etc, that show my son in a bad light.

Um, is it just me, or is that Norman Bates in the background, saying "A boy's best friend is his mother."

Creeeeeeepy.

So there you have it. A hero, some zeros, and... and...

And my lovely Edyta is doing well with HIM. Yes, HIM. That retard old guy Cliff the mailman. I hope he dies from priapism.

Then I can bone... er, I mean, love, my Edyta forever.

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