I Have A Tiny Penis!!!

April Fools!

(Excuse me for a minute while I adjust my massive moose-meat, while giving it the occasional love-rub. Ahhhhh, that's better. For a second there I thought I scared the guy into hiding.)

Anyway, today we are going to talk about God's April Fools joke on the lunatic fringe of the anti-abortion movement.

By lunatic fringe, I mean those froot loops who think it's okay to scrag doctors who perform abortions "in defense of the unborn." Another nut-ball bit the dust a week ago. Robert Ferguson. This on the heels of Paul deParrie kicking the bucket last year. Oh, and GAAAWD and Jeeeebus letting Paul Hill get executed.

Ferguson and deParrie, both men in their mid-fifties, died suddenly and unexpectedly from heart attacks. Paul went tits up after delivering a rousing speech at a meeting of the Constitution Party, where he told them he was taking his toys and going home because they thought it was okay to allow the Nevada branch of the Constitution Party to have the platform that abortion isn't precluded by the Constitution.

(Given that Nevada is right, deParrie's hissy-fit melt-down was a waste of time, effort, and heart function. But I suppose he never would have understood that even if he hadn't died an ignominious death in a Denny's after eating his last Grand Slam.)

He was very weasel-ish on the issue of killing doctors, nurses, and clinic escorts. Sort of took the "I wouldn't do it myself, but I'm okay with other people doing it" position.

Robert could be found all over the internet, making bizarre claims about the legality of the use of deadly force in the defense of others. This is akin to killing your neighbor because his wife is riding the poolboy's baloney pony, and you fear that when he finds out, he will kill both of them. The law just doesn't cover that sort of "defensive action."

But you couldn't convince him of that, because just like the folks who make Hebrew National hotdogs, he claimed to answer to a Higher Power. (I wonder if GAAAWD talked to Ferguson the way he did to that chubby dude in the "I have a hot dog, and it's for YOU!" commercial.)

Anyway, while he talked a good game of "defensive action," he never took any himself. Maybe because he felt he could be more effective convincing others to drink the kool-aid, or perhaps he thought he had mor time. Then again, maybe he was a big ol' chicken.

Whatever his reasons, his kool-aid or his clucker, he checked out before he could put his Mossberg where his mouth is. But before he bought the farm, he convinced a lot of people to attempt to put on a "justifiable use of force to prevent harm to others" defense.

Anyone who actually listened to him on that score didn't come to a good end. Paul Hill, for example, was executed by the state of Florida when they declined to let him argue that he had murdered in defense of others. Gee, Paul, I wonder why. Maybe because fetuses aren't persons under the law, so abortion is legal?

A couple of other folks entered guilty pleas for their homicidal tendencies when they found out they wouldn't be allowed to argue the "defensive action" bullshit. They are now serving life without parole.

But back to deParrie and Furgeson. It could be that they are right about the actions of the murderous freaks, and that GAAAWD called them home early to give them a special reward.

Or it could be GAAAWD's idea of an on-going April Fools joke. He might not take it too kindly when mere mortals are out there pretending to know His will, and shooting people in His name. I mean, let's face it. If you were GAAAWD, wouldn't you find crazy fucks like this to be sort of an embarrassment?

Of course, the most likely explanation is that they were over-fed, under-exercised, over-stressed fat middle aged assclowns whose number came up.

That doesn't explain GAAAWD not saving Paul Hill from execution, of course. But it's a start. Now if He would only call that nut-roll Neal Horsley home to glory, my day would be made. Oh, and Don Spitz. He's a loony douche too.

Really, though, what I wouldn't give for it to all be a cosmic joke, where they show up at the pearly gates, and St. Peter hollers, "April Fools!"

Now, back to your regularly scheduled spring penis-rubbing.

.