I'm honestly at a loss. I can't pick just one atrocious aspect of this week's Dancing With The Stars to focus on in a pithy title. There are far too many to choose from.
Let's start with Laila. First off, why is her face getting rounder, and her body getting fleshier, with each passing week? How in the blue hell can someone gain weight on this show, with all the dance training they do? Especially when you have arguably the hottest male pro on the show. Most women would want to look their best when Maks was holding them close.
I kinda knew their dance wouldn't go well this week when she went on and on about how busy her schedule is. It sounded like she was making excuses in advance. They showed one of her "appearances," which is what she was doing instead of practicing her tango, and it was creepy as hell. A whole bunch of little kids pumping their fist in the air and chanting, "Ali! Ali! Ali!"
Seriously, it was like a black version of the Hitler Jugen. Creeeeeeeepy.
Then they danced, and it was a horror. The tango is supposed to be about a love/hate relationship. You can tell by the way they look at each other that they've got the "hate" part nailed. It's really sort of discomfiting, especially since they spent about a third of their dance standing on opposite sides of the stage wiggling. I kept envisioning opposite sides of a boxing ring.
And Laila's costume was beyond bad. If you thought last week's mambo dress, which shouted, "Hey, World! I've got a pot-belly and dinner plate sized thighs!" was bad, you ain't seen nothing yet.
Um, Laila? The 70s called. They want their culottes back. And you should give them willingly, because they make your ass look big.
Other low-lights include strange music selections, such as Joey Fat One's tango to the Star Wars theme. They had the whole Jedi light saber bit going on, and I was like, "What in the FUCK?!?!"
Billy Ray's tango was done to Rockin' The Casbah, another, uh... interesting choice. And Karina was doing her kicks all weird, like she was flinging shit off her shoe. Then when she and Billy Ray were waiting for their scores, she kept licking her lips like a cross between a lizard and a porn star. It was disturbing.
Shandi and Brian did a jive to Crocodile Rock, and there was nothing wrong with it except it looked like two people dancing by themselves, who just happen to be on the same stage. Oh, and in other news, Brian still looks strange, acts strander, and wears too much make-up.
Heather went out and got a new leg for her jive, one that was "bouncier." I'm seriously fucking sick of hearing about HEATHER'S LEG. Matter of fact, HEATHER'S LEG reminds me of MITCH GREEN'S EYE.
For anyone who doesn't get that reference, Mike Tyson and Mitch Green fought in the mid-80s, and Tyson won. A couple of years later, they ran into each other at a clothing store. By ran into each other, I mean Mitch Green ran into Mike Tyson's fist. Green made the rounds of the talk shows, and his big puffy red and purple eye was the only thing anyone talked about or looked at. It was like, ENOUGH ABOUT MITCH GREEN'S EYE ALREADY.
I feel the same about HEATHER'S LEG. There's gotta be at least one other interesting thing about the woman that they can talk about. Jeez, if you're that desperate for material, ask her if she let Paul fuck her up the ass.
In short, there was so much bizarreness going on that it was almost impossible to appreciate the stuff that went well.
Wait, that's not totally true. Edyta's dress, and her slinky tango, gave me wood so big and hard that I nearly split my pants.
Thank you for being you, Edyta. And thank you for wearing so little clothing. My penis appreciates it.
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