Dancing With The Gods And Goddesses

Apolo and Julianne have done it again. And this time, they were properly rewarded for it.

She was dressed in a little tiger-striped body suit that made my moose-meat so hard that it ached. Really. It was painful. All I wanted in the world was to be the fringe on the bottom of her tiger suit, rubbing up against her...

Never mind.

And she had her hair all done up in one of those 80s clip thingys that make it all stand up like the feathered crest on the head of a cock. Ooops. Did I just say cock? Did I just say head? Am I the most perverted moose ever?

But seriously, she could have worn a potato sack, and her and Apolo's samba still would have been amazing. They deserved every point of their perfect score of thirty.

Still, I want to punch that little half-Japanese perfect gentleman gold medalist out, and steal his dance partner. I feel like I'm cheating on my Edyta when I say that, but my lust for sweet Julianne was overwhelming, both during their original dance, and their encore on Tuesday.

Wubba.

Besides, I feel like my one true love Edyta is cheating on ME. She danced with the old fart to Love Is In The Air. And she looked like she was... sob... ENJOYING it. He even played the bongos on her perfect abs at the end. I feel so... violated.

(Hey, geezer, did you notice Edyta's dress was the same shade of blue as a Viagra pill? I bet that was intentional.)

Nah, I'm just funning with y'all. I want John to stay on the show as long as possible, so I can drool over his partner as well as my new-found lovely Julianne.

Laila and Maks did a rumba, and Laila looked, um... fleshy in her abdomen-revealing dress. I guess she's kind of fucked either way. I mean, it was nice to see her in something less dyke-ish than the culottes, but she needs to lose at least twenty pounds before she starts emulating Edyta's fashion sense.

To no one's surprise, the couple who got the heave-ho were Clyde and Elena. I hope Len takes Clyde's speech at the end to heart, because we was dead-nuts on in his comments. The celebrities AREN'T there to launch a dancing career. They're there to compete, and maybe have a little fun. If Len keeps up with his cranky, mean comments, the producers won't even be able to get Susan Lucci on the show.

And that would be a shame. No, not missing out on Susan Lucci, but seeing a fun and popular show being ruined by that grumpy old bastard Len.

So back off, Len, or I'll beat you bloody with my antlers.

One final comment: Billy Ray, next time they try to put you in ladies' lavender silk pajamas, Just Say No. Your nipple erection was nasty.

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