Dancing With The No-Shows And The Bobos

Heather Mills is a classless piece of shit.

There. I said it. And I mean it. HateHer's departure last night from Dancing With The Stars was the most painful elimination ever in the history of the show. Furthermore, it was embarassing. And to top it all off, she was a no-show on Jimmy Kimmel and The View, apparently because she was mad that she got sent home.

I'm telling you, that woman is a serious fuitcake. She brought a prepared speech that she removed from the bosom of her ugly dress, where she chastised the viewers at home, and Carrie Ann, for her departure, because Jonathan won't get paid anymore.

What in the fuck? I seriously doubt her partner will have any trouble finding gigs. Plus, I'm pretty sure that he'll be on for the rest of the seaon intermittently for the pro numbers. Not to mention, his wife Anna is seriously hot, and if I were Jonathan, I'd be relieved that I had more time to give the ol' lady regular deep dickings.

So buck up, ugly Heather, Jonathan will be just fine without you. Better, even, because he doesn't have to look at your horse teeth and bug eyes and peg leg anymore.

Apparently HateHer isn't totally done with reality television despite her unfortunate Dancing With The Stars experience, anyway. She has expressed an interest in doing the UK version of the show, Strictly Come Dancing, or the UK version of Big Brother. That IS happy news, since it means she'll be annoying her fellow Brits rather than the good folks in America.

Buhbye, bitch.

Now that we've dispensed with the no-show, let's get on to talking about the bobo. Specifically, mine, which once again became so turgid that my pants nearly split when Julianne danced. She and Apolo did a steaming hot rumba that used a chiar as a prop, and SHIT HOWDY! I never wanted to be a chair so bad in my life.

Pssssssst! Len! Knock it off with the rude comments. I warned you last week. Just because you're a dirty old man doesn't mean it's okay for you to pick on Julianne about her artistic choices.

And Apolo? Dude? You can seriously knock it off with that "Julianne and I have a brother-sister type relationship" schtick. Unless your name is Joe Dirt, the wood she's making you have in your pants isn't the kind of reaction a normal man has to his sister. It's okay. Relax and enjoy your boner. We know neither of you are going to cross any lines.

Not that *I* wouldn't like to cross her lines, mind you.

*moose drool*

Ahem. To get myself back under control, I need only think about Lumpy Laila and her beaver shot. Yes, folks, our paragon of class did some kind of weird spread-legged thing in a very short dress, and the world saw her cooter.

Now why, you ask, is that any different that when the pros display their Taco Bell Grande? I dunno. I guess because they manage to do it in a way that's reminiscent of a dance studio rather than a porn shoot. Part of the problem may have been that it was Laila's choreography that incorporated the peep show, and she just doesn't know how to add her own steps without it looking crude.

In any case, her dress made her look lumpy, and I could cheerfully have gone my whole life without seeing her underpants and been perfectly happy.

My favorite Laila moment was when they were rehearsing for the group number, and the choreographer asked who the strongest man was. Everyone in the crowd, pros and stars alike, turned to look at Laila.

Ouchie, ouchie, ouchie.

I'm tired of Laila, I'm tired of Joey Fat One, and I'm tired of Ion Ziering. I wish they would all be abducted by aliens, so I can concentrate on the couples that are actually fun to watch: Apolo and Julianne, John and Edyta, and Billy Ray and Karina.

Oh, and Jimmy Kimmel and Guillermo. They're the best of all, especially when Guillermo is dressed like a lampshade as he was last night. I'll never look at the foxtrot the same way again.

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