Black Friday

I have some bad news for all you tossers who got up in the wee hours of the morning to go shopping today:

YOU'RE ALL LOSERS!

Having the latest and greatest toy or game or electronic gizmo before anyone else gets their hands on it doesn't make make you cool. You're not going to be fucking super-models tomorrow because you were King Shit Shopper today. You are, at best, a geek whose definition of success is kind of pathetic, and at worst... We won't go there.

And, has your time no value at all? If you spent three hours waiting in line to save thirty bucks on a DVD player, that puts your hourly value slightly below the annoying telemarketer who called you last week offering a screaming deal on Slim Whitman's greatest hits. Think about THAT the next time you're prepared to queue up for any length of time.

Perhaps you're one of those sprog-whipped parents whose peers and off-spring have told you in no uncertain terms that your Breeder Olympics gold medal depends upon you producing the Cerebellum-Atrophy 3000 gaming system for them this Christmas. I have a better idea. Give the little bastards a BB gun, boot their chubby over-Lunchabled asses out the door, and tell them not to come back until they've lost twenty pounds or someone puts their eye out, whichever comes first.

Stopping the madness starts with you, the Black Friday Losers. Repeat this mantra: "If I can't buy it over the internet, it isn't worth having or giving." Then do something productive with your day, like bathing your gerbil or reporting your boss to the Internal Revenue Service.