Communication

I must have something wrong with my ears. People swear they said one thing, and I know for sure I heard another.

I'm going to go all gushy soft for about ten seconds here. I WANT to hear what you guys are saying. I want to understand you. And I'm having a hell of a time doing it.

Ouch. That made my asshole hurt. But I'm not kidding. So you know what I'd like to see?

I'm a plain-spoken moose. Not too many layers of complexity to wade through. (Bricks to the head of everyone who just said, "Did he say he's a simpleton?") No, what I'm saying is, I say what I mean, and mean what I say.

So maybe all you elephants and hobbits and hebes and other critters can do that, too. Don't be subtle. Don't use fancy words. Just whack me straight in the antlers with it. Call a spade a dirty shovel.

I'll be happier, you'll be happier, and my moose-meat will be happier. I'm a stress masturbator, and these last few days have set that massive sausage right on fire with friction.

Yeah yeah, I know. Use lube, right? Okay, I will. And you quit confusing me, and everything will be fine.


(You KNEW it was all going to be your fault, right? RIGHT?!?!)