In Praise Of Lawn Darts

Today, I was going to write about the economy. But I changed my mind, because a far more provocative subject came up:

Lawn darts.

I knew that lawn darts weren't readily available for sale in the United States. But I didn't realize they were banned. I thought they were like those glass "clacker ball" things, where they'd been taken off the market voluntarily.

Boy was I wrong. It would appear that some seven year old kid kid got a lawn dart lobotomy back in the 80s, and that was the end of that.

You know, America is a funny country. It's okay to have lots and lots of guns, but it's not okay to have lawn darts. Contrast this to the United Kingdom, where even the police don't have guns, but by god they can have lawn darts.

(Please do not think that this is an indictment of firearms, because it isn't. It just seems funny that you can buy a semi-automatic rifle with a thirty round clip, but you can't buy some fucking lawn darts.)

Compare that to, say, the sixteen children that croaked in 2004 alone from various other toys. Four of them choked on balls. (Don't even go there, you fucking perverts.) Four died in tricycle accidents, two of those by drowning. (How in the shit does a trike cause a drowning?) One choked on a balloon, and another on a set of dice. Another suffocated under a pile of stuffed animals, and one poor bastard even strangled himself on the reins of his hobby horse. (I'm seriously channelling The Rocking Horse Winner here. I love masturbating on my hobby horse, but EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...)

Yet there's no demand for balls, dice, tricycles, balloons, and hobby horses to be banned.

Matter of fact, speaking specifically of choking, over the last twenty years 449 sproggen have bought the farm from getting ballons, balls, Happy Meal prizes, and other random objects in their airway. It's a tragedy, of course. but it falls squarely under the category of "Shit Happens."

Yet one lawn dart fatality, and OH MY GOD they need to be banned!

I guess just being careful, and not winging lawn darts in the vicinity of your small children, would have been too sensible a solution. A ban was clearly the only way to go.

*moose eyes rolling*

But, there is hope! And fittingly, it comes from the UK, where you can have lawn darts but not guns. This site informs us that my big-titted secretary my be able to purchase the set of lawn darts that she has long lusted for.

"...Great News for our North American customers…"

Up until now, we have not been able to supply our Crown Darts sets to the US and Canada on account of Lawn Darts being banned there since 1987.

HOWEVER… Great News! People living in the US Citizens and Canada can now order spare parts FREE to make up themselves and this does not class as a set of Lawn Darts!

Yeah, it's about twice as expensive as being able to just order the sets. But where there's a will, there's a way.

I just love that my people aren't afraid to spend money in order to make a statement. I also appreciate the fact that they understand the coolness that is lawn darts.

Now I just need to figure out how to get Frasier down-field when the dart throwing starts.

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