I Love That Joe Rogan Guy

He's the one that's at war with Carlos Mencia.

I feel bad that I'd never heard of him until recently, but the truth is, I lead a sheltered life, that mostly consists of masturbating while I fantasize about licking single-malt Scotch off the nipples of big-breasted hookers. So it's not surprising that he's new to me.

Here's his website, and here's his MySpace. His blog tells a very sad story.

Joe Rogan is something of a crusader. He outs comedians that steal other people's work. One of his more high-profile targets is Carlos Mencia. I wasn't terribly familiar with him, either, so I did some research on the internet. The consensus seemed to be, unless Mencia's saying "Dee Dee Dee," he stole it.

Rogan and Mencia, whose real name apparently is Ned Holness (which sounds like some kind of Ukrainian bakery item), had a big smack-down a few weeks ago. Even though he's on the side of the angels, Mr. Rogan has paid a huge price for taking a stand.

According to his blog, his long-standing gig at the Comedy Store in Los Angeles has been cancelled. His agent and he have come to a parting of the ways. (I liked the part where the agent offered him the opportunity to make it right by apologizing to Carlos. That could truly have been a great phone call. "Hey there, Carlos. I'm sorry. Really. I mean it. I'm sorry you're a pathetic piece of shit.")

I don't understand folks who take someone else's work and pass it off as their own. What drives it? A desire for recognition, money, success? And if that's the reason, is it worth it? How do people people like that feel, late at night, when they can't sleep because their brain is swirling with thoughts about how they cheated to get there?

I dunno. My big-titted secretary said she's had people swipe her stuff and claim authorship. Nothing important, just things she wrote for the internet. She says the most common reason people give her when she busts them is, "Because I wish I had written it."

Well DUH. There IS a path to writing good shit that doesn't involve theft. A romance novelist named Cindy Dees offers the following advice: "ABC! Apply Butt to Chair! The only way to learn how to write or how to write better is to do it."

(Nah, she's not the first person to come up with that nugget of wisdom. But my big-titted secretary insisted I use that example because her hunky Air Force friend Steve knows Ms. Dees. Gotta keep the ladies happy, right?)

Point being, if you're that sad sack staring at the ceiling wondering why you suck at your craft, why other people can do it and you can't, well, buck up, little camper. The answer to your suckatrociousness is within the reach of your grubby dick-beaters. Set your ass down at the computer with an Arrogant Bastard Ale, and don't get up until you've done something interesting and original.

Yes, Carlos Ned Mencia-Holness, I am talking to YOU.

Getting back on topic, it just seems like in other "creative" fields, if you steal other people's shit, the hammer comes down hard on you. Look at that Indian chick (Patel Motel Indian, not Lun-Can-Sur Smoke Shop Indian), Kaavya Viswanathan, who wrote that "brilliant coming of age novel."

It was called How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life. It should have been called How I Kiped From Megan McCafferty, Salman Rushdie, and Everyone In Between.

So what happened when the campus paper at Harvard, the Crimson, outed her for stealing other people's work? Her publisher yanked the book out of stores and cancelled her contract for a second novel, plus her movie deal also went bye-bye. And I somehow doubt she'll ever be able to find a publisher for her work again.

Now THAT is how theft of intellectual property should be dealt with.

I get that there are subtleties in stand-up comedy regarding "borrowing" that don't exist in the written word. But none of those subtleties appear to be part of the Mencia saga. There's plenty of evidence that he just unabashedly light-fingers other peoples' material.

Yes, he flatly denies it. But to quote Agent Mulder, "The truth is out there." We live in an electronic age. So dude, you're busted. Time to do the right thing. Either develop your own funny stuff, or if you can't, buy it from people who can.

I guess there's a third option. Keep doing what you're doing, use your real last name, and change your first name to Ass.

Anyway, three cheers for Joe Rogan, crusader, hero, and damn funny guy. You've got a fan for life, dude.

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