The USA vs. The UK

I heard today that that Beckham guy is coming to America. You know, the famous soccer player. He's going to play for the professional team in Los Angeles. (Did you know there was a professional soccer team in LA? Yeah, me either.)

Anywho, a bunch of folks in the United Kingdom are hollering that THEY DON'T CARE, that Becks is past his prime, that he hasn't played for England in a while anyway, that he's over-rated, blah blah blah.

Guys? Can I let you in on a little secret?

We don't care either.

We're not sitting here thinking that this is as big as winning the Revolution. We don't care about David Beckham, or soccer, or pretty much anything else having to do with you guys.

We even don't care that you call soccer "football," or that you don't understand why we call it soccer. I mean, duh. We call it soccer because the name "football" is already taken by those dudes who wear helmets and big shoulder pads and play in the Super Bowl. (And to save you the trouble of asking, we also don't care that the game you call football involves the ball contacting the foot more than in real football. We're still going to call it soccer, not football. Get over it.)

I suppose Beckham's new team, the LA Galaxy, hopes that having the best-known soccer player in the world on their team will help with their attendance numbers, and boost the popularity of soccer in this country. I just don't think it's going to work.

It's fun to snicker at all that british outrage, though. Just like it's fun to sit there with a smug smirk when they get all on about how their country is so much better than ours.

This goes back to the "We don't care" thing. We don't care that you think you are more civilized, or more cultured, or that you think your food is better, or your music, or your... anything.

Because we know the truth.

(Damn, sometimes I wish I weren't a moose, when I look at women like my big-titted secretary and long to have sex with them. But then I look at british women, and any urge I ever had to put the moose meat to a human female totally evaporates.)

So keep hollering that you are, like, SOOOOOOO much better than those rude, arrogant, brash Americans. But in those quiet moments after you've beat off to the all-American Jenna Jameson, ask yourself why David Beckham, and many, many other people, are so anxious to relocate to this country.

Hint: It isn't because it sucks.

I wish Becks the best of luck in his move, and his career in LA. I just hope his wife, Posh Spice, behaves herself. We have enough home-grown tabloid fodder without importing any from across the pond.