Here In My Car, I Feel Safest Of All

I can lock all my doors,
It's the only way to live, in cars...

(doot de doot doo doo doo, doot de doot doo doo doo)

Ahem. Right. Cars.

Got $407,000 to spare?

--Rolls-Royce Motor Cars will unveil its first convertible in five years at the auto show in Detroit later this month.

The Phantom Drophead Coupé is due to start production in summer of 2007 at the luxury automaker's Goodwood plant in England. It will retail for $407,000, or about £208,000. It is the first Rolls convertible since it stopped production of the Corniche in 2002.--

Read the whole story here. I loved the part about the convertible top having a cashmere lining so the car is quiet when the roof is closed. Quiet, my ass. I'd be doing gymnastics to rub my pecker on that cashmere.

I don't really get the concept of a Rolls convertible. It sounds cool and all, and if someone gave one to me (and paid the taxes on the gift), I sure wouldn't say no, and I'd have my people take me driving in it every day so I could enjoy the cashmere.

But when I think of Rolls-Royce, I think of people whose hair never moves, and is always arranged just the way it should be. Like that mustard commercial guy. You could tell he'd stroke out if his hair ended up looking all Einstein because he was tooling around with the top down.

I dunno. It just seems wrong. But I'd still really love to molest that cashmere.

When you think of German cars, what comes to mind first? Yeah, me too. The autobahn. Where you can drive as fast as you want, and if you crash, that superior German engineering will keep you from turning into road pizza.

Well, some buzz-kill group of environmentalists are proposing that autobahn speeds be limited, not as a safety measure, but to reduce pollution.

--German environmentalists hope the country's stewardship of the Group of Eight and the European Union in 2007 will help steer the car-crazy nation towards imposing speed limits on its unrestricted autobahns.

They say that if motorists took their foot off the throttle a little, this would cut greenhouse gas emissions and help Germany brush up its green credentials.--

Oh, fuck that shit. Scientists already proved that me and the cows and the rest of the mega-farters are wrecking the planet way faster than you puny humans. So what's the difference if the Germans want to drive like a bat out of hell? Leave 'em alone, and start doing some protests that involve hot naked women like PETA does instead.

Want to get real depressed? Read about the Ford Mustang going all family-friendly.

--Ford Motor Co. will introduce a 4-door, V-8 concept-car carrying most of the mechanical underpinnings of its popular Mustang sports car, the company said in a recent statement.

With its six-speed manual gearbox, low roof-line and massive 22-inch wheels, the design is targeted at driving enthusiasts looking for a bold design but who can't fit the family in a two-door coupe.--

I'm not the new Mustang's biggest fan, but it's not a bad car. And it's a SPORTS CAR. In other words, not really intended for schlepping the kids to school or soccer practice or the mall.

Ya gotta understand that when you sprog, those days of you and the little wifey hopping in the 'stang and going up to Inspiration Point so she can toot your meat piccolo are over. Finished. Done. So are the days when you can pick a fight with her for the sole purpose of storming out of the house so you can go joy-riding in your 'stang.

Something just seems WRONG about taking an American icon like the Mustang, and trying to turn it into the mating of a mini-van and a hot set of wheels. It won't be as hot as the original, and it won't be as convenient as the "family" vehicle.

And by god, when I say something's wrong, it's just fuckin' WRONG.

Let's hope the whole concept crashes and burns like an American car trying to cut it on the autobahn.