Happy Birthday, Little Miss Big Tits

It's the big-titted secretary's birthday. So this is my way of showing my appreciation for everything she does for me.

She has the most important job in the world. She listens while I express my interesting, accurate, insightful (and inciting) thoughts, then she types them up for me. I would do it myself, but I can't. No one has invented a hoof-friendly keyboard yet.

So I rely on the secretary. And she has never let me down.

Don't get me wrong. She's not perfect. For example, she laughs really loud when Frasier cock-blocks me. That's just wrong. Everyone knows Chocolate was meant to be mine, and giggling and finding mirth when that pompous white asshole gets in my way is just mean.

And sometimes she's real stubborn. When she thinks I'm wrong, or behaving badly, she digs in her heels like something straight out of one of those truck pull things that dentally challenged rednecks go to.

(Obviously, I am never wrong. My profile still says so. So don't any of you think my heel digging big-titted secretary changes that. Just thought I'd make that clear.)

You all kinda wish you had a big-titted secretary doing your bidding though, don't you? Especially one like mine. Even when she's disagreeable, she's all fun and spunky and smart and kinda hot.

Yeah, admit it. You're jealous. Well, sorry. You can't have her. She's MY big-titted secretary, warts and all.

So happy birthday, Little Miss Big Tits. Thanks for making this moose who he is. I couldn't have done it - and can't do it going forward - without you.

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A Tale Of Two Annas

By now, everyone who doesn't live under a rock or in a third-world country knows Anna Nicole Smith is dead.

And, of course, the media (and pretty much everyone else) are having a field day with it. The jokes and comments and criticisms are flying fast and thick. It's kind of sick and sad.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for making sport of stupid people, and I have been known to revel in the misfortune of others.

But this is different. Making fun of Anna Nicole going tits up is kind of... I dunno. Wrong. It's the equivalent of drop-kicking a puppy or something. It's just not sporting.

I mean, she was just a sad, sad, SAD individual. Her life was a mess, and her death is an even bigger mess. Look at all the shit that's going on as a result of her untimely demise. There's a pissing contest about her kid. Three men all claim paternity. (How fucking bizarre is that? Lots of times you can't even find one man to cop to the knock-up.) There's a pissing contest about the house she was living in. And there's an on-going pissing contest about that fossil she married then fucked to death all those years ago.

(You know what the squickiest outcome of the paternity thing would be? That the rumors of her having used frozen sperm from the dead geezer to make the baby turn out to be true. That would just be... Ugh. There are no words.)

Anyway, Anna Nicole Smith's life was a train wreck. Her death and its aftermath are just as much of a train wreck. Seriously, people. Leave her alone. Pick on someone who isn't quite so pathetic.

Then there's the other Anna: Anna Mae He. I wrote about her a week or so ago. The Supreme Court of Tennessee said she should be with her mom and dad, Jack and Casey He.

Naturally, her idiot foster parents wanted to keep that from happening, so they filed two motions, one to stay the ruling for thirty days, and another requesting the Court to re-hear the case because their decision violated the laws of the state of Tennessee.

The Court didn't just say no. They said FUCK NO.

I truly love how the Supreme Court of Tennessee keeps spanking these idiot fucks. The Bakers, the lower court judges, the Bakers' lawyers - no one has escaped the scathing tongue of the court that finally did right by this little girl.

So, motion to rehear the case - DENIED. Motion to stay the transfer of custody - DENIED. That puts Anna Mae He one step closer to being back with her family.

One sad Anna story and one happy one. I guess the universe is in balance.

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Humans Are Insane

Seriously. You are. You're all bat-shit loony-toons.

Look at yourselves. You create amazing societies, then you flush them right straight down the fucking toilet.

The other day, I watched a movie called V For Vendetta. It was set in the not too distant future, and the limeys had given away all their freedoms so they could be "safe."

What a crock of shit, right? No one would do that.

Except you already have. Americans, europeans, everybody who has built a basically free society... You have ALL done it to a greater or lesser extent over the last several years.

Are you all so fucking stupid that you do not understand that freedom carries risks? You're supposed to be the most evolved species on the planet. Surely you can grasp a simple principle that's no mystery to this moose.

If an animal lives in a zoo, he gets fed regularly, and he has no liberty, and faces no risks. If he lives in the wild, he has to find his own food, he is completely free, and he has to worry about all the things that might hurt or kill him.

Which is better?

Well, I reckon it depends on your definition of "living." To me, living prophylactically isn't living at all. I know there are many who think I am wrong, who say that it's better to be alive and fenced than liberated and dead.

Sorry, I don't agree.

I've got no idea how many of you believe that it's okay to give up your rights in the name of fighting terrorists or evil or whatever the cause du jour is. (Yeah, I know you love it when I do that french thing.) But all of you who think that are dead fucking wrong.

I know, that's not what you wanted to hear. You want to think there can be some sort of compromise. Where you don't give up everything, but some things, and in exchange, your government keeps you safe.

I'm so sorry to be the moose that informs you that it doesn't work that way. Once you subjugate yourself (Hey! I used another five dollar word that rhymes with masturbate!), there is no going back. Those rights and freedoms will never be restored to you.

I don't even know why I bother writing shit like this. You've already done it, and most of you seem okay with it. And by "you," I mean Americans, the inhabitants of the best society your human species has ever seen. I also mean all your allies. Even the french, no matter how bad they smell.

Think about what you are doing, people. Your tacit acceptance of government intrusion into your lives will NOT protect you from Mohammed Zmed, Evil Terrorist. But it certainly WILL be the ruination of your once-glorious societies.

And that would be sad, because you guys are truly emblematic of the best that humans can aspire to. And if you fall, and crumble to dust, what's left? Are the fucking cockroaches going to take over after all?

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"Ethnic Studies" And Dead Illegals

Today, I present to you two stories that have damn little to do with each other on the surface.

First, we have a columnist whining that Arizona needs to spend lots and lots more money on little mexican kids who can't speak English. She also wants "Mexican-American/Raza" studies taught in public schools in border states.

Then, we have four masked bandits robbing and killing illegals.

The first story is an opinion piece, something I rarely write about, since my opinion is the only one that matters. But In spite of my normally mild-mannered moose nature, a couple of things about it pissed me off.

One is, I think you humans are out of your fucking minds spending all the money you do trying to teach kids to speak English. They're kids, for shit's sake. They absorb language like a fucking sponge. Don't believe me? Next time you're mad at your spouse, call them a "chuju" in a loud, angry voice. Do this twice, and you will discover to your delight that your offspring will suddenly be using the Polish word for "dick" as part of their daily vocabulary.

Studies show immersion works better than dull rote learning in a classroom. Throw it on the shore and see if it eats or dies.

The other issue this Valdez lady talks about is "ethnic studies." By ethnic studies, she means teaching mexican history to the little mexican kids who are going to school in America. Yes, some of them are American, but only in the loosest sense of the word. The correct term if you're born here but your parents aren't citizens is "anchor baby."

Anyway, for some reason, this chick thinks we should be wasting valuable school time instructing these kids on the history of their homeland. Now, I don't necessarily object to teaching the little bastards the history of our interaction with mexico over the years, as a small part of a comprehensive American history class.

But providing the equivalent of "chicano studies" just because there's a lot of mexicans in the school? No, sorry. If mommy and daddy want them to know all about the country they came from, let 'em teach it at home. School is for reading, writing, and 'rithmetic.

(And yes, I would feel the same way if schools in Minnesota and North Dakota started offering "canadian studies" classes, so don't even go there. At least canada is interesting. They have mooses. And beavers. And Bob and Doug McKenzie.)

This is a good segue into our second story, which is sad, in a "illegal and stupid behavior sometimes has tragic consequences" sort of way. Maybe the folks involved just needed more ethnic studies when they were growing up.

--Gunmen confronted nine or 10 undocumented immigrants in a vehicle along a known smuggling corridor northwest of Tucson, killing three men Thursday and injuring at least two other people, authorities said.

One man was found dead on a dirt road frequented by human smugglers near the Silverbell mine more than 20 miles northwest of Tucson.

Authorities later found two more men dead a few miles north in the cab of the pickup truck that had been carrying the migrants, said Rick Kastigar, the Pima County sheriff's criminal investigations chief.--

The perpetrators of this crime were wearing ski masks, so no description is available. But it will certainly be interesting to find out who did this. A certain faction of the population (always easily identifiable by their left-wing views and Howard Dean spanky-pants) is already predicting that it was craaaaazy white suprmacists or similar types.

That's possible, I suppose, but it would certainly be a departure, since virtually all of the problems the border-crossing desert-walking illegals have are visited upon them by their fellow mexicans. As the article points out:

--Gangs of armed bandits have been known to roam border areas and prey on illegal immigrants as they cross into the country. Feuding among smuggling organizations also is not uncommon, where one group will steal a load of migrants from another, essentially kidnapping them and demanding ransoms from their relatives to gain their freedom.--

I guess there's just no honor amongst criminals anymore. I mean, who would have thought that engaging in criminal acts, surrounded by criminals, in an area known to have large numbers of criminals, might lead to one becoming a crime victim? These illegals should have been as safe as someone who joins the Hell's Angels. After all, that's just a club for middle-aged motorcycle enthusiasts, right?

Or, as they say in the vernacular, when you lie down with dogs, don't be surprised when you wake up with fleas.

And no, I don't think we're going to find out that four rednecks named Smith, Long, Cox, and Jones did this. My money is on the bandits having names like Martinez, Arroyo, Hernandez, and Garcia.

If I'm wrong, I'll eat Chapeau's hat. (I'd rather eat Chocolate, but that's a whole 'nother conversation.) Not to mention, the moose is never wrong. It says so in my profile.

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Wednesday Wankings

Today, boys and girls, we begin with another Katrina story.



No! Wait! Be patient! This is the funniest one yet.

--In the neighborhood President Bush visited right after Hurricane Katrina, the U.S. government gave $84.5 million to more than 10,000 households. But census figures show that fewer than 8,000 homes existed there at the time.

Now the government wants back a lot of its money.--

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Good luck with that one, Uncle Sam. Those "poor victims" spent that money the day after you doled it out. Even if you could find the people who light-fingered your dough - which you most likely can't - they are as poor now as they were the day they sang and danced with glee because the government was giving away "free" money to hurricane victims.

Read the whole article. It's a hoot, especially the part where some people can't get any aid at all, because another person already used their address to scarf up some bucks.

And, uh, remind me again why we're obligated to help these idiots in the first place?

In a shocking new twist on the old "africans are stupid" theme, we have a bunch of african christians pissed off by a display involving Turkana Boy.

--Deep in the dusty, unlit corridors of Kenya's national museum, locked away in a plain-looking cabinet, is one of mankind's oldest relics: Turkana Boy, as he is known, the most complete skeleton of a prehistoric human ever found.

But his first public display later this year is at the heart of a growing storm -- one pitting scientists against Kenya's powerful and popular evangelical Christian movement. The debate over evolution vs. creationism -- once largely confined to the United States -- has arrived in a country known as the cradle of mankind.--

Young-earth creationists are funny. But it's even funnier to find them in africa, where the fossil record is so clear and so... available.

I don't get what the big deal is anyway. I mean, I don't mind sharing a common ancestor with my antlered brethren of other species. Well, except for Chapeau, because he's a dork, but you get my general drift.

Besides which, even if this "God" dude did create the Earth like in the bible, who's to say he didn't also set evolution in motion so he could watch it play out while eating popcorn and laughing his ass off.

And in the "Don't the Congress-critters READ this shit before they vote for it?!?!" category, we have a plan to collect DNA from illegals.

--The Justice Department is completing rules to allow the collection of DNA from most people arrested or detained by federal authorities, a vast expansion of DNA gathering that will include hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants, by far the largest group affected.

The new forensic DNA sampling was authorized by Congress in a little-noticed amendment to a January 2006 renewal of the Violence Against Women Act, which provides protections and assistance for victims of sexual crimes. The amendment permits DNA collecting from anyone under criminal arrest by federal authorities, and also from illegal immigrants detained by federal agents.--

Personally, I think this sounds like a pretty good idea. I just think it's funny as shit that people are whining NOW about a law that was passed more than a year ago. Uh, do-gooders? That horse done left the barn a LONG while back.

In the words of Ricky Ricardo, "Luthie, you got some essplainin' to do." Don't be surprised when your constituents are pissed, do-gooders.

In the "Krazy Kalifornians" realm, we have a County Clerk who is going to issue Certificates of Inequality to gay couples on Valentine's Day.

--They will say, "I issue this Certificate of Inequality to you because your choice of marriage partner displeases some people whose displeasure is, apparently, more important than principles of equality."--

You know, I'm all for letting gays marry. But I think ol' Freddie the County Clerk (A chick named Freddie? Anything you want to tell us, Freddie?) does the cause more harm than good with stunts like this.

It's kind of like those Gay Pride marches where you see shit like a flaming homo running aound naked, with his nut-sack painted bright pink and rabbit ears attached to his dick. Dude, no one wants to see your junk done up like the Easter Bunny, and it sure doesn't do much to bolster any claims that gays are "Just like everyone else, and want the same things straight people want."

Sorry, no. Straight guys don't want to deck their grnitals out like rodents.

Similarly, Freddie's little stunt isn't meant to advance the cause of gay marriage. It's intended to piss people off, and it's going to work, and that will be a set-back even in fruity California.

Freddie's time would be better spent writing letters to her elected representatives.

And our "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!" moment for the day goes to the revelation that most faux fur is dog hair.

--Many fur or fur-trimmed jackets sold in the United States as having "faux fur" -- or not labeled at all -- are actually made, at least in part, from dog fur, the Humane Society of the United States said at a Capitol Hill news conference Wednesday.--

Gee. I didn't know "faux" and "Rin Tin Tin" were synonyms. You learn something new every day.

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Ohferfuck'ssake... Snickers Bars And Homo Outrage

By now everybody has heard about the great Snickers Commercial Controversy, brought about by a Super Bowl commercial. And here I was maligning this year's crop for being safe and tame just the other day. Little did I know.

Anyway, in the ad, two auto mechanic dudes eat a Snickers bar, one starting at one end, and one the other. They gobble their Snickers, and their lips end up touching. They freak out because they kissed, and decide they must immediately do something manly. So they rip handfuls of their chest hair out by the roots.

Ouch.

Snickers also had a website (no point in linking to it because it's gone now) where you could view the reactions of some of the Bears and Colts players. You could also look at three alternative endings to the commercial, and vote for your favorite. The winning spot was to air during the Daytona 500.

But all that's been called off now, because a bunch of buzz-kill homo advocates raised a stink.

Here is what the late Matthew Shepard's mother had to say:

“I am outraged that Mars, the NFL and these players would promote such an anti-gay message. This campaign encourages the same type of hate that led to the death of my son Matthew. It essentially gives ‘permission’ to our society to verbally or physically harass individuals who are gay, lesbian or bisexual,” said Judy Shepard, Executive Director of the Matthew Shepard Foundation. “In particular, I am dismayed that these players, who are role models to our young people, would participate in perpetuating such discrimination and prejudice.”

Oh, what the fuck ever. Look, lady, I'm sorry you lost your son. But a couple of caricature rednecks drinking motor oil, or doing the equivalent of that hillbilly dance from the Bugs Bunny cartoon, is not what killed your boy.

Let's face it. Those commercials were not condoning violence against homos, or even laughing at homos. They were poking fun at straight guys, yokels so concerned about their "manliness" after an accidental contact with another man, that they were willing to do downright silly things to ensure that they were still manly.

I thought the over-reactions were rather extreme, and thought that even more so when the entire campaign was dropped.

Then I read the official statement from Masterfoods (kind of like "masturbates," but with edible items).

As with all of our Snickers advertising, our goal was to capture the attention of our core Snickers consumer.

Feedback from our target consumers has been positive. In addition, many media and website commentators of this year’s Super Bowl commercial line-up ranked the commercial among this year’s top ten best. USA Today ranked it #9 of its top ten pick.

We know that humor is highly subjective and understand that some people may have found the ad offensive. Clearly that was not our intent. Consequently, we do not plan to continue to air the ad on television or on our Snickers website.

And I started to wonder if maybe it was deliberate. I mean, nobody's talked this much about Snickers bars since... Well, since ever.

So this tiny germ of an idea popped into my brain. Maybe cheesing off the homos, and galvanizing the beer-drinking, football-loving, NASCAR-watching fans was the plan all along. Maybe the marketing whizzes truly batted one out of the park, by alienating a small demographic that's not a big consumer of their product, in exchange for getting their core Snickers-eating audience all fired up.

Far-fetched? Perhaps. But people are still talking about a commercial that wasn't THAT memorable, and a multi-million dollar advertising campaign that was scotched twenty-four hours after it was launched due to pressure from the gay lobby.

Either way, planned or accidentally, the Snickers execs have hit the jackpot with this one. People who had stopped caring about a product that has, let's face it, been around a LONG time, are going out of their way to eat Snickers bars to "show those homos that they don't run things around here."

Now THAT is the kind of brand loyalty you just can't buy.

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Anna Mae He... Hee Hee Hee

Normally when you crazy humans give a kid back to its biological parents after a long stint with someone else, I roll my eyes and wonder why you're all so retarded sometimes.

But the case of Anna Mae He is different. Her mother and father - Shaoqiang "Jack" He and Qin Luo "Casey" He (heretofore to be refered to as Jack and Casey, because there is no possible way I could stuff enough liverwurst in my mouth to pronounce their chinese names) - appear to be hard-working people and good parents. They just ended up being taken advantage of by a "good christian" couple.

The story is long and complicated, but you can read a brief article about the situation and the decision here.

--The Tennessee Supreme Court cleared the way Tuesday for a Chinese couple to be reunited with the daughter they placed in foster care with an American family nearly eight years ago.

The court overturned a decision by a Memphis judge who had taken away the parental rights of Shaoqiang and Qin Luo He, ruling that they had abandoned the child. That decision attracted widespread publicity and was criticized for ethnic bias.

Their daughter, Anna Mae He, has been living with Jerry and Louise Baker in suburban Memphis since she was 3 weeks old. Anna Mae turns 8 later this month.--

{Moose's note: She turned eight on January 28th.}

By way of background, Jack He came here on a student visa, to pursue a PhD in economics. Now, let's think about this for a moment. If he was a useless piece of human detritus, would he be part of an academic program that I'm sure thousands of other chinamen would have gone all kung fu on someone to be involved with?

And his wife came here on a spouse visa. And they were too poor to afford any entertainment besides fucking, and OOPSIE! She ended up knocked up. The baby, Anna Mae, was a preemie, and Mom & Dad were having financial and legal problems, so they temporarily placed her in foster care. And that's when all hell broke loose.

The Bakers wanted to adopt the cute little asian kid. No big shock there. What IS shocking, though, is the lengths they were willing to go to in order to achieve their goal, and the sheer meanness of their methodology. I mean, threatening to sic the police on a chinese couple who have expired visas and a sketchy grasp of the English language? That just ain't sporting, kids.

And getting a no-contact order, then claiming that the wee sproggie was abandoned by her parents because they didn't see her for four months? Christ on a pogo stick. Is that what passes for justice in Al Gore's home state?

Oh, by the by, the no-contact order was issued because the Hes wouldn't turn over Anna Mae's passport, and the Bakers were afraid if they had a visit with the kid, they'd jump on a plane to china and never look back.

Well DUH. Would you have blamed them? They tried to do what was best, and got seriously anally reamed without lube in the process.

Fuck, Jack and Casey did everything right. They knew they were in over their heads, and they reached out for help. Unfortunately, the "good christians" who got ahold of them were about as christian as islamic suicide bombers.

What's most disturbing about this case is, you know that either money changed hands, or favors were called in. Because the only things Jack and Casey He did wrong were being chinese, and poor. Grad students are SUPPOSED to be poor. They are the indentured servants of their professors and faculty advisors. Jack He was no different than some over-privileged white douche in any advanced degree program in the country, except that it's easier to take advantage of some poor asian bastard.

At the end, the Bakers tried to claim that it was in Anna Mae's "best interest" to stay with them because she had no relationship with her real parents. And, uh, whose fault is that, you ignorant inbred cocksuckers? YOU are the ones who kept her away from her parents for YEARS.

Even if that argument had validity, the poor little girl shouldn't be left with the Bakers. That would be rewarding them for unethically (and possibly illegally, going by the rebuking the Chancery Court judges got in the decision) interfering in Anna Mae's relationship with her mom and dad for a VERY long time.

Sadly, that's not all.

The Bakers fucked this kid up but good. She says she wishes she wasn't chinese, and would love to have blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm sorry, but she didn't come to those tragically sad thoughts about her heritage on her own. Those are ideas that (cruel, vindictive, piece of shit) adults put into a child's head. And I'm pretty fucking sure the adults in question are named Jerry and Louise.

Maybe her parents, who love her so much that they never gave up, can heal her wounded spirit. Good luck, little Anna Mae. This moose is keeping you in his heart.

Now everybody forget that you saw me get all soft and squishy again, or I will hunt you down and beat you to death with my antlers.

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