Reaching For The Stars, And Reaching For The Clown Balm

There's an old saying that I just love: A man's reach should exceed his grasp, unless he's an outfielder for the Chicago Cubs.

Okay, I'm kidding. The quote actually goes "Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" Robert Browning said it. He meant that we should all strive to achieve our dreams, not just settle for what is easy to obtain.

And I believed the dumb son of a bitch. So I assembled a crack team of moose flunkies and large-breasted typists (actually, just one of each, but it sounds better the other way), and set out to conquer the world.

After a few fits and starts, it all seemed to be heading in the right direction. And I still believe it is. But I also believe that the journey has been the most enormous pain in the ass any moose has ever suffered. I have learned more about what absolute shitheads some people can be than I ever wanted to know.

Which leads to my urgent need for clown balm. As many of you know, when I am anxious or stressed I soothe myself by boxing my clown. It's cheaper than therapy, not as messy as pulling an Ernest Hemingway, and not likely to land me in jail like some of my other ways of "decompressing" might. (Think exposing myself to the hot young waitress at Buffalo Wild Wings.)

So, in this trying time leading up to the consummating of my deal (don't you love the word "consummate"?), my poor clown has been getting a serious workout. I'm talking raw and bleeding here, folks. With pee pee callouses and everything. It is a dire situation.

The only thing that can help at this point is a generous application of clown balm, preferably by a large-breasted Russian ballroom dancer, while on the road to consummate my deal. (There's that word again. Consummate consummate consummate.)

If you are of a religious persuasion, please pray that I get clown balm and consummation. If you are not religious, good vibes will do. In either case, your well wishes are appreciated, so send lots of them, before my poor clown gets infected and falls off or something.

.