No, that's not a typo. Just about everything about today's much anticipated "big game" totally blew.
It didn't look like it was going to be that kind of game. The Bears ran the opening kick-off back for a touchdown, and I splooged in my pants. But it was all down hill from there.
Let's start with all the fumbles. Yup, that's a problem you're going to have when it's lightly raining through pretty much the whole game. That problem is exacerbated (HA! I used a five dollar word that rhymes with masturbated!) by the fact that a new football is rotated in every few plays in the Super Bowl.
Yeah, how insane is that? They bring out a slicky, slippery, brand new ball, and then wonder why it keeps squirting out like a catholic wife's eleventh child. This ain't tennis, folks, where a new ball is a good thing. New footballs are hard to hold onto, and unnaturally stiff. Not the good kind of stiff, either.
But hey, anything to make sure there's enough "official" Super Bowl game balls to give to everybody who was promised one, right?
I don't really know that the Colts played a good game, so much as the Bears played a bad one. Either way, it wasn't very exciting. Fuck, it could barely be called "interesting." And since the Bears had some really great moments on their road to the Super Bowl, it pained me to see them enter the Suckatrocious Zone.
Furthermore, I wanted them to win. God damn it, is that too much to ask? Thanks, Chicago Bears, for killing my boner deader than if Hillary Clinton licked it. I will never forgive you.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
Also, I think way too much was made of the whole hyper-melanin-endowed head coach thing. Yeah, Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith are black. (What the hell kind of a name is Lovie, anyway? I kept chanelling Mr. Howell talking to his wife while Gilligan played with his coconuts in the background.) Well, Lovie is black, anyway. Tony looks like there might be a bit o' the Irish in him.
So this is a big deal, right? I mean, not one, but TWO black head coaches in the Super Bowl, for the first time ever. And Tony Dungy is the first black head coach to win it all. It's about time, right?
Think for a second about how many head coaches of ANY color have won a Super Bowl. There's what? Two dozen? Yes, I am aware there have been forty-one (XLI, for you romans) Super Bowls. But guys like Chuck Noll winning multiple times means the actual number of victorious head coaches is pretty fucking small.
It's like saying there's never been a black Pope. I mean, it's true, but there haven't been a whole lot of Popes anyway. It's a small, exclusive club, just like Super Bowl winning head coaches. I seriously think people need to stop making a huge fucking deal of these "milestones," before they become millstones.
Oh, and I really don't like Tony Dungy, but it has nothing to do with the color of his skin. I just don't trust a man that doesn't cuss.
But there has to have been something worthwhile about Super Bowl XLI, right? I mean, what about all the cool, edgy commercials that are sometimes the best part of the big game? At, like, three million bucks a pop for thirty seconds of air time, they should be putting some truly awesome stuff out there, right? RIGHT?!?!
In a nutshell - they didn't. There weren't any mind-blowingly memorable commercials. If someone asked me to decide which offering should receive the Most Tapioca award, I wouldn't be able to. All of the ads were sort of... careful. And tame. And kinda boring.
Better luck next year, avant-garde advertising agencies.
But surely the halftime show, the highlight of the day, had to have tripped a few triggers?
Nope, sorry. It was pretty lame.
It was to be a gala extravaganza, starring The Artist Formerly Known As Prince And Now Known As Prince Again, or TAFKAPANKAPA for short. That's pronounced taff-cap-ann-kappa. Yes, I realize TAFKAPANKAPA isn't very short, but Prince is such an affected little twerp that I figured he could use a name that's more of a mouthful than my moose-meat.
Seriously, I remember reading a few years back that TAFKAPANKAPA was sitting all by himself at a swanky Hollywood event, no one coming anywhere near him, and he kept telling the security folks to keep everyone away. Let me say that again. No one was paying the least bit of attention to him, and he YELLED AT some poor rent-a-cop that he was Prince, GOD DAMN IT, and he DEMANDED to be left alone.
Life kinda sucks when your star has faded and Apollonia won't bounce on your joystick anymore, doesn't it, little guy?
Anyway, TAFKAPANKAPA's halftime efforts had all the pizzazz of wet toilet paper after you've just taken a sticky poop. I know he was great in his day, but he kinda looked like he was just phoning it in tonight.
What I wouldn't have given to see just a little oopsie-boobie. Janet Jackson's tit was ugly, but even the most hideous tit is more interesting than the snore-fest formerly known as Prince.
Maybe next year they'll dig up Liberace.
In closing, I just want to say, Peyton Manning is a smug asshole. You could practically see him rubbing baby oil on his cock, annointing himself The Greatest Ever. Newsflash, TGE Wanna-be: Greatest Evers don't repeatedly choke in the playoffs year after year after year.
You got lucky. Enjoy it, because the sun may never shine on your pasty skim milk ass again.
Now, let's all do a shot of tequila, and toast to next year's Super Bowl not sucking hairy sweaty donkey balls.
.
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Tolerance, Diversity, Empathy, And Bullshit
So, I hear a lot about how important diversity is. From what I can tell, diversity is where everyone is different from everyone else because they all think exactly the same and all like the same things.
Now to me, that doesn't sound very diverse. It doesn't much matter what color, size, shape, age, or gender these would-be members of the Borg are, as long as there's no room for dissent.
Apparently "tolerance" is a lot like "diversity," except it only goes one direction. Certain people have to tolerate everyone and everything, but no one has to tolerate them.
And "empathy" is that thing where you publicly proclaim admiration for afflicted people, but privately you pity them.
Why am I so on about this stuff today?
Lots of reasons, all of them having to do with Al Gore's evil internet. If he'd never invented it, I'd be sitting someplace quiet, manipulating my mondo moose-meat. But instead, I read all about these people and their views on tolerance diversity, and empathy.
Take Trading Spouses as an example. The gal they had on last night, Julie, was a real pip. She doesn't like mexicans, says she would have had an abortion if pre-natal testing showed Down syndrome, and thinks homosexuality is a birth defect.
Let's start with the mexicans. I really didn't get the impression she was talking about mexicans in general, but about the ones who came here without, uh... legal sanction.
Well SHIT. A lot of the mexicans that came here legally don't like the illegals either. They deeply resent the fact that they went through a long, arduous process, and other folks decided to be line-jumpers.
So hell, if their own people don't like them, why should poor Julie have to?
But she's obviously evil, because she would have aborted a Down syndrome pregnancy. No doubt Satan is laughing at her poor damned soul.
Oh, give me a fucking break. That's going to be an awfully big party in Hades, because somewhere between eighty and ninety percent of the couples who receive a pre-natal diagnosis of Down syndrome choose to end the pregnancy.
So sweet Julie is by no means the only one who would do it. She's just the only one who is willing to admit that she would do it.
But you wouldn't know that by reading the viewer comments about her. All these women saying their little tards are a "blessing" and shit. Not that having one is the end of the world, but FUCK. If I was human, this whole "specialer than thou" thing would piss me off. Like defective people are somehow morally superior to normal ones.
In the moose world, we leave the defectives behind for the wolves to eat.
Now I'm not down at all with the whole "homosexuality is a birth defect" thing. Lesbians can be kinda hot. But you gotta admit, if it IS a genetic condition, that only affects a tiny percentage of the population, and prevents the propagation of the species, "birth defect" isn't a total non sequitur.
I wonder, if a "gay gene" is identified for sure, will people start testing for it in utero, and aborting gay babies?
That would be a shame. A world with no lesbian porn is not a world I want to contemplate.
Anyway, all these folks are blathering on about how Julie lacks tolerance and empathy. They have also made numerous comments about her "pig snout nose" and "horse teeth." Now, I thought she was rather attractive, and I wouldn't turn her down if she wanted to slobber on my knob. But I hardly think it's sporting to criticize someone for being intolerant and not empathetic, and then make fun of their nose and teeth, which they really can't do a whole lot about.
Pots and kettles, etc etc etc.
Now, let's talk a little bit about the wonders of diversity. Diversity means having people from all walks of life, living together in peace and harmony. Kumbaya, my squid, Kumbaya...
I was reading a parenting board, where several of the ladies said they deliberately chose to live in "diverse" neighborhoods, so their Wonder Bread kids would be exposed to people who were different than them. On the surface, that doesn't sound like a bad thing, because the real world is full of all kinds of different folks, right?
The problem comes when little Caspar is one of only a handful of ghosts at the school, and all the other more richly-pigmented kiddies decide to pick on him because he's different. I mean, I'm all for that Kumbaya shit, but your spawn isn't going to be thinking those higher thoughts as he's being stuffed into his gym locker upside-down with adhesive tape binding his scrotum to his ass-crack.
Sticking out like a kidney in a vat of Cool Whip™ brings me to my last subject of the day, always a favorite. Yes, I'm talking about the Peanut Mommies.
I love to read their rantings and ravings, because they have really elevated the concept of working at cross purposes to a fine art. They say the world should show tolerance and empathy towards their little immuno-defective sproggies, but then demand that said sproggies not be "stigmatized" or "singled out."
Yeah, whatever, Munchausen by Goober moomies. You have two choices: Teach your kid to be as careful as possible, and then let him blend into the crowd. Or, turn him into a neurotic fuck with a giant neon "Peanut Freak" sign on his head.
I don't think anyone much gives a shit which avenue you choose. Just quit fucking WHINING that no one likes your kid, when you are the one who taped that "kick me" sign to his back.
Empathy THAT, Peanut Mommies.
.
Now to me, that doesn't sound very diverse. It doesn't much matter what color, size, shape, age, or gender these would-be members of the Borg are, as long as there's no room for dissent.
Apparently "tolerance" is a lot like "diversity," except it only goes one direction. Certain people have to tolerate everyone and everything, but no one has to tolerate them.
And "empathy" is that thing where you publicly proclaim admiration for afflicted people, but privately you pity them.
Why am I so on about this stuff today?
Lots of reasons, all of them having to do with Al Gore's evil internet. If he'd never invented it, I'd be sitting someplace quiet, manipulating my mondo moose-meat. But instead, I read all about these people and their views on tolerance diversity, and empathy.
Take Trading Spouses as an example. The gal they had on last night, Julie, was a real pip. She doesn't like mexicans, says she would have had an abortion if pre-natal testing showed Down syndrome, and thinks homosexuality is a birth defect.
Let's start with the mexicans. I really didn't get the impression she was talking about mexicans in general, but about the ones who came here without, uh... legal sanction.
Well SHIT. A lot of the mexicans that came here legally don't like the illegals either. They deeply resent the fact that they went through a long, arduous process, and other folks decided to be line-jumpers.
So hell, if their own people don't like them, why should poor Julie have to?
But she's obviously evil, because she would have aborted a Down syndrome pregnancy. No doubt Satan is laughing at her poor damned soul.
Oh, give me a fucking break. That's going to be an awfully big party in Hades, because somewhere between eighty and ninety percent of the couples who receive a pre-natal diagnosis of Down syndrome choose to end the pregnancy.
So sweet Julie is by no means the only one who would do it. She's just the only one who is willing to admit that she would do it.
But you wouldn't know that by reading the viewer comments about her. All these women saying their little tards are a "blessing" and shit. Not that having one is the end of the world, but FUCK. If I was human, this whole "specialer than thou" thing would piss me off. Like defective people are somehow morally superior to normal ones.
In the moose world, we leave the defectives behind for the wolves to eat.
Now I'm not down at all with the whole "homosexuality is a birth defect" thing. Lesbians can be kinda hot. But you gotta admit, if it IS a genetic condition, that only affects a tiny percentage of the population, and prevents the propagation of the species, "birth defect" isn't a total non sequitur.
I wonder, if a "gay gene" is identified for sure, will people start testing for it in utero, and aborting gay babies?
That would be a shame. A world with no lesbian porn is not a world I want to contemplate.
Anyway, all these folks are blathering on about how Julie lacks tolerance and empathy. They have also made numerous comments about her "pig snout nose" and "horse teeth." Now, I thought she was rather attractive, and I wouldn't turn her down if she wanted to slobber on my knob. But I hardly think it's sporting to criticize someone for being intolerant and not empathetic, and then make fun of their nose and teeth, which they really can't do a whole lot about.
Pots and kettles, etc etc etc.
Now, let's talk a little bit about the wonders of diversity. Diversity means having people from all walks of life, living together in peace and harmony. Kumbaya, my squid, Kumbaya...
I was reading a parenting board, where several of the ladies said they deliberately chose to live in "diverse" neighborhoods, so their Wonder Bread kids would be exposed to people who were different than them. On the surface, that doesn't sound like a bad thing, because the real world is full of all kinds of different folks, right?
The problem comes when little Caspar is one of only a handful of ghosts at the school, and all the other more richly-pigmented kiddies decide to pick on him because he's different. I mean, I'm all for that Kumbaya shit, but your spawn isn't going to be thinking those higher thoughts as he's being stuffed into his gym locker upside-down with adhesive tape binding his scrotum to his ass-crack.
Sticking out like a kidney in a vat of Cool Whip™ brings me to my last subject of the day, always a favorite. Yes, I'm talking about the Peanut Mommies.
I love to read their rantings and ravings, because they have really elevated the concept of working at cross purposes to a fine art. They say the world should show tolerance and empathy towards their little immuno-defective sproggies, but then demand that said sproggies not be "stigmatized" or "singled out."
Yeah, whatever, Munchausen by Goober moomies. You have two choices: Teach your kid to be as careful as possible, and then let him blend into the crowd. Or, turn him into a neurotic fuck with a giant neon "Peanut Freak" sign on his head.
I don't think anyone much gives a shit which avenue you choose. Just quit fucking WHINING that no one likes your kid, when you are the one who taped that "kick me" sign to his back.
Empathy THAT, Peanut Mommies.
.
Friday, February 2, 2007
Friday Flounder-Floggings
Boy oh boy, have we got a day for you today.
First up, the groundhog didn't see his shadow. WOOOOO HOOOOO!!! That means spring is on the way! Happy Groundhog Day, everyone!
And, um, is it just me, or does Punxsutawney Phil have the most boring job ever?
On a completely unrelated note, the NAACP and various other entities are pissed off about "gangsta parties".
--White students at Tarleton State University in Texas hold a party in which they dress in gang gear and drink malt liquor from paper bags. A white Clemson University student attends a bash in blackface over the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday weekend. A fraternity at Johns Hopkins University invites partygoers to wear "bling bling" grills, or shiny metal caps on their teeth.
From Connecticut to Colorado, "gangsta" theme parties thrown by whites are drawing the ire of college officials and heated complaints from black and white students who say the antics conjure the worst racial stereotypes.
University officials, the NAACP and others have condemned the parties as insulting and inexcusable under any circumstances. At the same time, some black academics said they were not surprised, given the popularity of rap music among inner-city blacks and well-to-do suburban whites alike.--
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Fuck, that is FUNNY!
I mean, the parties are funny. What's even funnier is that the do-gooders are outraged at totally the wrong thing. Seriously, fuck YEAH the parties are mocking black stereotypes. But those stereotypes exist because black "entertainers" perpetuate them.
Don't want white college students making sport of the rap/hip-hop culture? Stop acting like such fucktards.
Oh, and quit drinking your quarts of beer out of paper bags. Paper bags are for white winos guzzling nail polish remover.
On to the frat boys who are going to prison for hazing. Apparently they beat and maimed one of their "brothers" in violation of the laws of the state of Florida.
I don't really get why this sort of thing is even a crime. I mean, if you're enough of a loser that you will let someone beat you in order to "belong," you kind of deserve what you get.
We don't imprison consenting adults who engage in weird sex games involving bondage, whips, and velveeta. So why should we imprison consenting adults who engage in bizarre rituals in the name of brotherhood?
And is it just me, or does this whole fraternity thing seem sort of... queer? And I mean that in the greek sense.
Speaking of familial relationships, you American people appear to not have very "family-friendly" workplaces. Y'all ranked down there somewhere with Uzbekistan and Bangladesh.
I'm not quite sure why companies are supposed to subsidize life-style choices like spawning, but I guess a lot of folks think they should.
Here's my take on it. My people are all about the animals. They spend a lot of time, money, and emotional energy making sure all the furry bastards (and the scaley one) are skippy fine cool good. What they do is as important as the mission of those who have sprogged.
No, I take that back. What my people do is MORE important. Everyone is all about taking care of the kiddies and propogating your species. My people speak for, and advocate for, animals, who cannot speak for themselves. And who are considered unimportant, and disposable.
Sure, tell me I'm full of shit. But if employers are going to be required to accommodate life choices, everyone should remember that we judge you guys by how you treat those animals you tamed.
And more on the subject of human kidlets... Two of them are dead due to adult stupidity. One was squashed by its mother while she was supposedly protecting it from rats.
--A mother accidentally suffocated her baby while trying to protect him from rats in her rodent-infested New York apartment, a newspaper reported Tuesday.
Gladys Robles said her home had so many rodents, she would have her 8-week-old son sleep in her bed to protect him. But this week Robles rolled on top of the boy and killed him in her sleep, according to the New York Daily News.--
Ohferfuck'ssake. If your rat problem is that bad, MOVE. If you "can't" move (which is just an excuse), then turn the kid over to social services until you get back on your feet.
This ain't fucking rocket science, people. Anyone selfish enough to insist upon keeping her kid with her in such terrible conditions is a suck-awful mother.
The other deceased young'un was mowed down by a geriatric driver.
--A car plowed through the wall of an elementary school cafeteria during lunch Monday, killing an 8-year-old boy and injuring two other students and the 84-year-old driver, police in this St. Louis suburb said.
Ryan Wesling died of head and chest injuries about an hour after the woman's car slammed into Shiloh Elementary School, St. Clair County Coroner Rick Stone said.--
Right. And this elderly chick had no idea that her driving skills had gone to hell, right?
I get that there's a lot of feelings tied up in old folks giving up driving. Pride, loss of independence, acknowledgement of aging. But SHIT. Does it have to take ramming your car into some kid while he's eating his baloney sandwich to tell you it's time to hang up your driving gloves?
I tell ya, you guys have egos bigger than mine, and I didn't think that was possible. And those egos are gonna be the death of you.
.
First up, the groundhog didn't see his shadow. WOOOOO HOOOOO!!! That means spring is on the way! Happy Groundhog Day, everyone!
And, um, is it just me, or does Punxsutawney Phil have the most boring job ever?
On a completely unrelated note, the NAACP and various other entities are pissed off about "gangsta parties".
--White students at Tarleton State University in Texas hold a party in which they dress in gang gear and drink malt liquor from paper bags. A white Clemson University student attends a bash in blackface over the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday weekend. A fraternity at Johns Hopkins University invites partygoers to wear "bling bling" grills, or shiny metal caps on their teeth.
From Connecticut to Colorado, "gangsta" theme parties thrown by whites are drawing the ire of college officials and heated complaints from black and white students who say the antics conjure the worst racial stereotypes.
University officials, the NAACP and others have condemned the parties as insulting and inexcusable under any circumstances. At the same time, some black academics said they were not surprised, given the popularity of rap music among inner-city blacks and well-to-do suburban whites alike.--
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Fuck, that is FUNNY!
I mean, the parties are funny. What's even funnier is that the do-gooders are outraged at totally the wrong thing. Seriously, fuck YEAH the parties are mocking black stereotypes. But those stereotypes exist because black "entertainers" perpetuate them.
Don't want white college students making sport of the rap/hip-hop culture? Stop acting like such fucktards.
Oh, and quit drinking your quarts of beer out of paper bags. Paper bags are for white winos guzzling nail polish remover.
On to the frat boys who are going to prison for hazing. Apparently they beat and maimed one of their "brothers" in violation of the laws of the state of Florida.
I don't really get why this sort of thing is even a crime. I mean, if you're enough of a loser that you will let someone beat you in order to "belong," you kind of deserve what you get.
We don't imprison consenting adults who engage in weird sex games involving bondage, whips, and velveeta. So why should we imprison consenting adults who engage in bizarre rituals in the name of brotherhood?
And is it just me, or does this whole fraternity thing seem sort of... queer? And I mean that in the greek sense.
Speaking of familial relationships, you American people appear to not have very "family-friendly" workplaces. Y'all ranked down there somewhere with Uzbekistan and Bangladesh.
I'm not quite sure why companies are supposed to subsidize life-style choices like spawning, but I guess a lot of folks think they should.
Here's my take on it. My people are all about the animals. They spend a lot of time, money, and emotional energy making sure all the furry bastards (and the scaley one) are skippy fine cool good. What they do is as important as the mission of those who have sprogged.
No, I take that back. What my people do is MORE important. Everyone is all about taking care of the kiddies and propogating your species. My people speak for, and advocate for, animals, who cannot speak for themselves. And who are considered unimportant, and disposable.
Sure, tell me I'm full of shit. But if employers are going to be required to accommodate life choices, everyone should remember that we judge you guys by how you treat those animals you tamed.
And more on the subject of human kidlets... Two of them are dead due to adult stupidity. One was squashed by its mother while she was supposedly protecting it from rats.
--A mother accidentally suffocated her baby while trying to protect him from rats in her rodent-infested New York apartment, a newspaper reported Tuesday.
Gladys Robles said her home had so many rodents, she would have her 8-week-old son sleep in her bed to protect him. But this week Robles rolled on top of the boy and killed him in her sleep, according to the New York Daily News.--
Ohferfuck'ssake. If your rat problem is that bad, MOVE. If you "can't" move (which is just an excuse), then turn the kid over to social services until you get back on your feet.
This ain't fucking rocket science, people. Anyone selfish enough to insist upon keeping her kid with her in such terrible conditions is a suck-awful mother.
The other deceased young'un was mowed down by a geriatric driver.
--A car plowed through the wall of an elementary school cafeteria during lunch Monday, killing an 8-year-old boy and injuring two other students and the 84-year-old driver, police in this St. Louis suburb said.
Ryan Wesling died of head and chest injuries about an hour after the woman's car slammed into Shiloh Elementary School, St. Clair County Coroner Rick Stone said.--
Right. And this elderly chick had no idea that her driving skills had gone to hell, right?
I get that there's a lot of feelings tied up in old folks giving up driving. Pride, loss of independence, acknowledgement of aging. But SHIT. Does it have to take ramming your car into some kid while he's eating his baloney sandwich to tell you it's time to hang up your driving gloves?
I tell ya, you guys have egos bigger than mine, and I didn't think that was possible. And those egos are gonna be the death of you.
.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Hanoi Jane's Cunning Stunt
Jane Fonda is back in the anti-war business.
--For her next act, Jane Fonda has entered the war against the Iraq war. At the tail-end of yesterday's on-the-Mall rally, organized by United for Peace and Justice, Fonda stood onstage with the Capitol behind her and addressed the sun-drenched thousands. "I haven't spoken at an antiwar rally in 34 years," she said. But, "Silence is no longer an option."--
Does this mean Irraq can expect a visit and photo op with the aged Ms. Fonda, where she's shown doing the hokey pokey with a suicide bomber before he dispatches some American troops to the Great Beyond?
What a cunt.
That's an ugly word, isn't it? And one I don't use often. For all of my rude, crude, socially unacceptable behavior, deep down I'm a good-hearted moose. I don't haul out the "C" word on a whim.
But Jane Fonda caused a lot of brave, dedicated men a lot of grief. She's John Kerry with a bigger penis. Her "peaceful" anti-war activism had the effect of making the Vietnam conflict even uglier than it was. No, not for Joe Average sitting in front of his television set. For Joe Soldier, and Joe POW.
And now she's back, protesting Iraq. She wants "our boys" out of there. And you know what the irony is? The people people over there, the folks who volunteered to serve our country, are what make her idiotic actions possible.
They might not piss on Jane Fonda if she was on fire, but they would fight to the death for her right to "express herself."
I don't really get why she's such an icon to all the humans who swing left anyways. I mean, she's all about that feminism thing, right?
So her first husband was Roger Vadim, a movie director. She did the nasty with other women while he watched, then sat there while he porked them. She didn't want to, but she did it to please him. Now THAT is girl power.
While she was married to her second husband, politician Tom Hayden, she put out about a gazillion exercise videos. Nothing like an exercise video dynasty to make your fellow women feel like they need to get all unnatural skinny in order to please their man. Yet more feminist empowerment.
Then, she married Ted Turner. It's an old feminist trick: Marry some horny rich guy, who could buy and sell you eight times a day for the rest of his life, in order to expose the evils of the patriarchy.
Oh, wait... She didn't do that. She just fed at the capitalist trough that she supposedly despises until she got bored. Then she moved on.
Well, you know what, Janie? Keep moving on, because this Iraq war protest thing is a dog that won't hunt. All the other lefty fruit-bats have already pissed on the fire hydrant, you are late to the party, and nothing you say will make a difference anyway.
More to the point, you might fuck some stuff up for some really good guys. Again. Do you really need another cluster-fuck like that on what passes for your conscience?
Didn't think so.
Oh, and just so you know, I find you cock-witheringly unattractive.
Have a nice day.
.
--For her next act, Jane Fonda has entered the war against the Iraq war. At the tail-end of yesterday's on-the-Mall rally, organized by United for Peace and Justice, Fonda stood onstage with the Capitol behind her and addressed the sun-drenched thousands. "I haven't spoken at an antiwar rally in 34 years," she said. But, "Silence is no longer an option."--
Does this mean Irraq can expect a visit and photo op with the aged Ms. Fonda, where she's shown doing the hokey pokey with a suicide bomber before he dispatches some American troops to the Great Beyond?
What a cunt.
That's an ugly word, isn't it? And one I don't use often. For all of my rude, crude, socially unacceptable behavior, deep down I'm a good-hearted moose. I don't haul out the "C" word on a whim.
But Jane Fonda caused a lot of brave, dedicated men a lot of grief. She's John Kerry with a bigger penis. Her "peaceful" anti-war activism had the effect of making the Vietnam conflict even uglier than it was. No, not for Joe Average sitting in front of his television set. For Joe Soldier, and Joe POW.
And now she's back, protesting Iraq. She wants "our boys" out of there. And you know what the irony is? The people people over there, the folks who volunteered to serve our country, are what make her idiotic actions possible.
They might not piss on Jane Fonda if she was on fire, but they would fight to the death for her right to "express herself."
I don't really get why she's such an icon to all the humans who swing left anyways. I mean, she's all about that feminism thing, right?
So her first husband was Roger Vadim, a movie director. She did the nasty with other women while he watched, then sat there while he porked them. She didn't want to, but she did it to please him. Now THAT is girl power.
While she was married to her second husband, politician Tom Hayden, she put out about a gazillion exercise videos. Nothing like an exercise video dynasty to make your fellow women feel like they need to get all unnatural skinny in order to please their man. Yet more feminist empowerment.
Then, she married Ted Turner. It's an old feminist trick: Marry some horny rich guy, who could buy and sell you eight times a day for the rest of his life, in order to expose the evils of the patriarchy.
Oh, wait... She didn't do that. She just fed at the capitalist trough that she supposedly despises until she got bored. Then she moved on.
Well, you know what, Janie? Keep moving on, because this Iraq war protest thing is a dog that won't hunt. All the other lefty fruit-bats have already pissed on the fire hydrant, you are late to the party, and nothing you say will make a difference anyway.
More to the point, you might fuck some stuff up for some really good guys. Again. Do you really need another cluster-fuck like that on what passes for your conscience?
Didn't think so.
Oh, and just so you know, I find you cock-witheringly unattractive.
Have a nice day.
.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Oh, Leave The Old Fart Alone Already!
Joe Hardy turned 84 earlier this month. The Joe Hardy from 84 Lumber, not the Joe Hardy from the Hardy Boys books. Although how cool must it be to share a name with a fictional character that was played by Shaun Cassidy on TV?
(Okay, I can't resist. Click here to see ol' Shaun with a suspicious bulge in his funny white pants while he sings to us about rock'n'roll.)
Since Mr. 84 Lumber only turns 84 once, his family threw him a big shin-dig. Bette Midler was there, and Robin Williams. And Troy Polamalu. How could you not want this guy at your birthday bash?
(Posting Shaun Cassidy videos and pictures of Troy Polamalu does NOT mean I am gay, god damn it.)
Ahem.
Now, Joe Hardy is catching some flack from the usual suspects. 84 Lumber had a tiny number of lay-offs in December, so the family shouldn't have thrown ol' Joe a party, blah blah blah.
--84 Lumber Co., dealing with a slowdown in the overall housing market, laid off 25 to 30 people at its Washington County corporate headquarters last month.
Then last weekend, the family of 84 Lumber founder Joe Hardy threw a lavish 84th birthday party in which the patriarch was entertained by Bette Midler, Robin Williams and Christina Aguilera.
Despite the timing, the two events are not related, said company spokesman Jeff Nobers, who noted that news coverage of the party also brought out those still upset with the company for canceling its sponsorship of a high-profile pro golf tournament last year.--
Sigh. You just can't please some people. Joe Hardy has done a ton of good for a seriously jerk-water part of western Pennsylvania. He employs several hundred in an economically depressed area, and thousands nation-wide.
But all that isn't good enough, because he laid off a couple dozen people, then his family threw him a fancy party a few weeks later.
Okay, first of all, 84 Lumber didn't pay for this party. His wife and kids did. And even if 84 Lumber HAD paid for the party, that's their business. The company is are privately owned by the Hardy family, so there are no share-holders to answer to.
(Why he has anything to do with his kids, after they tried to have him declared mentally incompetent and thrown in the boobie hatch when he took a second wife, is a mystery to me. But obviously they have mended fences, and I'm not one to judge. Although I still wouldn't turn my back on 'em while you're out deer hunting, dude.)
So, yeah. Leave the geezer alone. Mr. 84 turned 84, and has the hangover to show for it. Old people are cool, especially old people like him. Party on, Joe.
.
(Okay, I can't resist. Click here to see ol' Shaun with a suspicious bulge in his funny white pants while he sings to us about rock'n'roll.)
Since Mr. 84 Lumber only turns 84 once, his family threw him a big shin-dig. Bette Midler was there, and Robin Williams. And Troy Polamalu. How could you not want this guy at your birthday bash?
(Posting Shaun Cassidy videos and pictures of Troy Polamalu does NOT mean I am gay, god damn it.)
Ahem.
Now, Joe Hardy is catching some flack from the usual suspects. 84 Lumber had a tiny number of lay-offs in December, so the family shouldn't have thrown ol' Joe a party, blah blah blah.
--84 Lumber Co., dealing with a slowdown in the overall housing market, laid off 25 to 30 people at its Washington County corporate headquarters last month.
Then last weekend, the family of 84 Lumber founder Joe Hardy threw a lavish 84th birthday party in which the patriarch was entertained by Bette Midler, Robin Williams and Christina Aguilera.
Despite the timing, the two events are not related, said company spokesman Jeff Nobers, who noted that news coverage of the party also brought out those still upset with the company for canceling its sponsorship of a high-profile pro golf tournament last year.--
Sigh. You just can't please some people. Joe Hardy has done a ton of good for a seriously jerk-water part of western Pennsylvania. He employs several hundred in an economically depressed area, and thousands nation-wide.
But all that isn't good enough, because he laid off a couple dozen people, then his family threw him a fancy party a few weeks later.
Okay, first of all, 84 Lumber didn't pay for this party. His wife and kids did. And even if 84 Lumber HAD paid for the party, that's their business. The company is are privately owned by the Hardy family, so there are no share-holders to answer to.
(Why he has anything to do with his kids, after they tried to have him declared mentally incompetent and thrown in the boobie hatch when he took a second wife, is a mystery to me. But obviously they have mended fences, and I'm not one to judge. Although I still wouldn't turn my back on 'em while you're out deer hunting, dude.)
So, yeah. Leave the geezer alone. Mr. 84 turned 84, and has the hangover to show for it. Old people are cool, especially old people like him. Party on, Joe.
.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Katrina, You Bitch!
Oh, that Katrina. She will never be done messing with people.
Just ask Michael Brown, who is STILL trying to cover his ass about the many ways he screwed the pooch as FEMA director during the hurricane.
--Party politics played a role in decisions over whether to take federal control of Louisiana and other areas affected by Hurricane Katrina, former FEMA director Michael Brown said Friday.
Some in the White House suggested only Louisiana should be federalized because it was run by a Democrat, Gov. Kathleen Blanco, Brown told a group of graduate students at a lecture on politics and emergency management at Metropolitan College of New York.
Brown said he had recommended to President Bush that all 90,000 square miles along the Gulf Coast affected by the hurricane be federalized, making the federal government in charge of all agencies responding to the disaster.--
That would be, ya know, kinda sad except for one thing. Louisiana DID fuck up in their response to Katrina, and the other affected states, Mississippi in particular, didn't.
Bear in mind that Katrina actually made land-fall in Mississippi, not Louisiana. (Let me take this opportunity to point out that my big-titted secretary gets a strangely aroused smile on her face every time she types "Mississippi." Is there something erotic about the word that I don't know about?)
Anyway, all love juices aside, Mississippi bore the brunt of the full force of the hurricane. New Orleans only got all fucked up because the levees failed. Meaning, they could have evacuated everyone, and let the fuckin' place flood. No one had to die.
But, due to a variety of factors, like the mayor being an incompetent boob, and the negroes resisting the evacuation process, a lot of folks ended up stranded. It was a wholly preventable outcome, and Governor Blanco played a part in it by not laying down the law to everyone involved in the effort to get folks the fuck outta Dodge.
Did she let everything get caddy-whumpus because she's a democrat? I kinda doubt it. But it IS rather interesting that the republican Governors had a clue, and poor Ms. Blanco didn't.
(Does anyone else see the name "Blanco" and start jiving on that Una Paloma Blanco song, or is it just me?)
In other Katrina news, there was an idiot on Trading Spouses last week who said the hurricane was "a weapon of mass destruction that George W. Bush unleashed on the black people of New Orleans." The guy's name is Jameel Malone, but he calls himself Abasi Baruti. I think both names are goofy, so let's just call him Race Master Baiter, or RMB for short.
When I heard RMB's comments, I was struck by the thought that, for somebody that is supposedly the dumbest man alive, the President sure is a clever guy. I mean, shit. He can control the weather. You can't be a total doorknob and conjure up a hurricane. It just isn't possible.
RMB is a bitter, angry man, and a black separatist. But one thing he's not is a resident of any of the states where Katrina hit. Rather, he lives in St. Petersburg, Florida. So realistically, he has no more insight into that weapon of mass destruction that Dubya unleashed than any of the rest of us. All he knows is what he saw on the news.
Not to say Master Baiter or others like him don't have a right to an opinion. They do. Uninformed opinions are the American way. But it must be difficult, carrying around all that unfounded bitterness. Might even make a person act a little crazy.
Which is indeed what Jameel will be remembered for, if in fact he is remembered at all.
Something has always puzzled me about all the hand-wringing about the levees breaking, and how they weren't up to snuff because the government didn't care because New Orleans is mostly black. I have trouble understanding how you humans didn't realize that a breach of the levees sooner or later was a foregone conclusion.
I say this because Mother Nature can be deferred, but in the end she will not be denied.
Only hubris of the highest order (you love it when I talk all intellectual, don't you?) would make your species believe it can build walls thick and high enough to keep the water out, or structures strong enough to withstand any earthquake. And only you are vain enough to think that you can keep my forest from burning to the ground by never letting it burn at all.
We animals understand certain realities that you humans refuse to accept. That is why you will not do the right thing, and give New Orleans back to the sea. You will spend billions and billions AND BILLIONS of dollars, and in the end, the reality that it's fucking stupid to have a city below sea level will come crashing home to you (again), like the pounding waters of a hurricane.
Then again, maybe that's a good thing. Where I'm from, all those dead dumb-asses floating out to sea clutching their big-screen TVs is called "thinning the herd."
.
Just ask Michael Brown, who is STILL trying to cover his ass about the many ways he screwed the pooch as FEMA director during the hurricane.
--Party politics played a role in decisions over whether to take federal control of Louisiana and other areas affected by Hurricane Katrina, former FEMA director Michael Brown said Friday.
Some in the White House suggested only Louisiana should be federalized because it was run by a Democrat, Gov. Kathleen Blanco, Brown told a group of graduate students at a lecture on politics and emergency management at Metropolitan College of New York.
Brown said he had recommended to President Bush that all 90,000 square miles along the Gulf Coast affected by the hurricane be federalized, making the federal government in charge of all agencies responding to the disaster.--
That would be, ya know, kinda sad except for one thing. Louisiana DID fuck up in their response to Katrina, and the other affected states, Mississippi in particular, didn't.
Bear in mind that Katrina actually made land-fall in Mississippi, not Louisiana. (Let me take this opportunity to point out that my big-titted secretary gets a strangely aroused smile on her face every time she types "Mississippi." Is there something erotic about the word that I don't know about?)
Anyway, all love juices aside, Mississippi bore the brunt of the full force of the hurricane. New Orleans only got all fucked up because the levees failed. Meaning, they could have evacuated everyone, and let the fuckin' place flood. No one had to die.
But, due to a variety of factors, like the mayor being an incompetent boob, and the negroes resisting the evacuation process, a lot of folks ended up stranded. It was a wholly preventable outcome, and Governor Blanco played a part in it by not laying down the law to everyone involved in the effort to get folks the fuck outta Dodge.
Did she let everything get caddy-whumpus because she's a democrat? I kinda doubt it. But it IS rather interesting that the republican Governors had a clue, and poor Ms. Blanco didn't.
(Does anyone else see the name "Blanco" and start jiving on that Una Paloma Blanco song, or is it just me?)
In other Katrina news, there was an idiot on Trading Spouses last week who said the hurricane was "a weapon of mass destruction that George W. Bush unleashed on the black people of New Orleans." The guy's name is Jameel Malone, but he calls himself Abasi Baruti. I think both names are goofy, so let's just call him Race Master Baiter, or RMB for short.
When I heard RMB's comments, I was struck by the thought that, for somebody that is supposedly the dumbest man alive, the President sure is a clever guy. I mean, shit. He can control the weather. You can't be a total doorknob and conjure up a hurricane. It just isn't possible.
RMB is a bitter, angry man, and a black separatist. But one thing he's not is a resident of any of the states where Katrina hit. Rather, he lives in St. Petersburg, Florida. So realistically, he has no more insight into that weapon of mass destruction that Dubya unleashed than any of the rest of us. All he knows is what he saw on the news.
Not to say Master Baiter or others like him don't have a right to an opinion. They do. Uninformed opinions are the American way. But it must be difficult, carrying around all that unfounded bitterness. Might even make a person act a little crazy.
Which is indeed what Jameel will be remembered for, if in fact he is remembered at all.
Something has always puzzled me about all the hand-wringing about the levees breaking, and how they weren't up to snuff because the government didn't care because New Orleans is mostly black. I have trouble understanding how you humans didn't realize that a breach of the levees sooner or later was a foregone conclusion.
I say this because Mother Nature can be deferred, but in the end she will not be denied.
Only hubris of the highest order (you love it when I talk all intellectual, don't you?) would make your species believe it can build walls thick and high enough to keep the water out, or structures strong enough to withstand any earthquake. And only you are vain enough to think that you can keep my forest from burning to the ground by never letting it burn at all.
We animals understand certain realities that you humans refuse to accept. That is why you will not do the right thing, and give New Orleans back to the sea. You will spend billions and billions AND BILLIONS of dollars, and in the end, the reality that it's fucking stupid to have a city below sea level will come crashing home to you (again), like the pounding waters of a hurricane.
Then again, maybe that's a good thing. Where I'm from, all those dead dumb-asses floating out to sea clutching their big-screen TVs is called "thinning the herd."
.
Monday, January 29, 2007
The Teen Scene
Today, it's all about the teenagers. Well, and one story about some former teen sensations. (Heh. I said "teen sensations.")
First up, we've got a teen cancer kid who was targeted for theft because he's a cancer kid.
--Thieves in Vermont targeted the home of a young cancer patient while he was undergoing treatment in Boston.--
Mom? Dad? Don't turn Cancer Kid into a media spectacle. Bragging to the world about all the cool swag he's gotten, then publicizing when he's going to be out of town for his next grueling treatment, is just asking for trouble.
We live in a world where nubile gold-diggers troll funerals looking for widowers that they can fuck over... er, I mean, comfort. Use some fucking common sense.
Next, we have a naked shotgun-weilding teenager stealing a truck.
A Strongsville teen who ran around his neighborhood naked, carrying a double-barreled shotgun faces aggravated robbery charges.
Police said the 19-year-old approached telephone workers and then stole their truck.
No one was hurt.
Police are also considering other charges.--
What other charges? Criminal stupidity?
And they say children are the future. Pretty bleak looking future there in Armpit, Ohio, if you ask me.
On to the sad story of the financial woes of the music promoter who brought us 'N Sync, one of the most successful boy bands ever. (That is, if you define success as making teen girls moist, and parting them from their money, a perfectly reasonable definition in my opinion.)
I guess I never "get" stories like this. You've got a stable of singing young men, who sell a gazillion CDs. They have the teen girls crying for them, and the teen boys moussing their hair and shopping at the GAP in order to look like them.
And yet somehow the dude promoting them ends up broke? How exactly does that happen, especially to a dude named Pearlman, who almost HAS to be of hebrew extraction?
Moose no understand.
And then there's the teens who were mistakenly informed that they'd been accepted by the University of North Carolina.
--An admissions department e-mail sent from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill congratulated 2,700 prospective freshmen this week on their acceptance to the school.
The problem is that none of the applicants have been admitted. They won't start finding out until March whether they've made the cut.--
Ouch. Just OUCH! Poor kids.
The milk of kindness is normally absent from my veins, but the thought of some high school senior, under stress, pimple cream smeared abundantly on his face, running around screaming, "I got in! I GOT IN!!!" when in fact he hadn't makes me almost weepy.
Fire the secretary responsible for THAT cluster-fuck right now.
And lastly, we have the "No SHIT?!?!" story of the day.Teen drivers suck.
--More teenagers are heeding warnings about drinking and driving, but they routinely face behind-the-wheel distractions from cell phones to passengers that contribute to thousands of fatal crashes every year, according to a study released Thursday.
Teens often take the wheel amid commotion, angst or fatigue that would be challenging even for older drivers, said Dr. Flaura Winston, chief investigator for the study.--
Huh. Well, I guess we gotta let the irresponsible little fuckers drive, and maim innocent third parties as a result. But this goes back to my "Where are the parents?" mantra. All Mom & Dad should need to do is say, "If I ever find out you were driving while talking on a cell phone, I will put your eyes out with an ice pick, and you will never drive again."
Good sense and tough love, people. That's all it takes to get those intransigent know-it-all teen-aged fuckers to adulthood without any calamity.
.
First up, we've got a teen cancer kid who was targeted for theft because he's a cancer kid.
--Thieves in Vermont targeted the home of a young cancer patient while he was undergoing treatment in Boston.--
Mom? Dad? Don't turn Cancer Kid into a media spectacle. Bragging to the world about all the cool swag he's gotten, then publicizing when he's going to be out of town for his next grueling treatment, is just asking for trouble.
We live in a world where nubile gold-diggers troll funerals looking for widowers that they can fuck over... er, I mean, comfort. Use some fucking common sense.
Next, we have a naked shotgun-weilding teenager stealing a truck.
A Strongsville teen who ran around his neighborhood naked, carrying a double-barreled shotgun faces aggravated robbery charges.
Police said the 19-year-old approached telephone workers and then stole their truck.
No one was hurt.
Police are also considering other charges.--
What other charges? Criminal stupidity?
And they say children are the future. Pretty bleak looking future there in Armpit, Ohio, if you ask me.
On to the sad story of the financial woes of the music promoter who brought us 'N Sync, one of the most successful boy bands ever. (That is, if you define success as making teen girls moist, and parting them from their money, a perfectly reasonable definition in my opinion.)
I guess I never "get" stories like this. You've got a stable of singing young men, who sell a gazillion CDs. They have the teen girls crying for them, and the teen boys moussing their hair and shopping at the GAP in order to look like them.
And yet somehow the dude promoting them ends up broke? How exactly does that happen, especially to a dude named Pearlman, who almost HAS to be of hebrew extraction?
Moose no understand.
And then there's the teens who were mistakenly informed that they'd been accepted by the University of North Carolina.
--An admissions department e-mail sent from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill congratulated 2,700 prospective freshmen this week on their acceptance to the school.
The problem is that none of the applicants have been admitted. They won't start finding out until March whether they've made the cut.--
Ouch. Just OUCH! Poor kids.
The milk of kindness is normally absent from my veins, but the thought of some high school senior, under stress, pimple cream smeared abundantly on his face, running around screaming, "I got in! I GOT IN!!!" when in fact he hadn't makes me almost weepy.
Fire the secretary responsible for THAT cluster-fuck right now.
And lastly, we have the "No SHIT?!?!" story of the day.Teen drivers suck.
--More teenagers are heeding warnings about drinking and driving, but they routinely face behind-the-wheel distractions from cell phones to passengers that contribute to thousands of fatal crashes every year, according to a study released Thursday.
Teens often take the wheel amid commotion, angst or fatigue that would be challenging even for older drivers, said Dr. Flaura Winston, chief investigator for the study.--
Huh. Well, I guess we gotta let the irresponsible little fuckers drive, and maim innocent third parties as a result. But this goes back to my "Where are the parents?" mantra. All Mom & Dad should need to do is say, "If I ever find out you were driving while talking on a cell phone, I will put your eyes out with an ice pick, and you will never drive again."
Good sense and tough love, people. That's all it takes to get those intransigent know-it-all teen-aged fuckers to adulthood without any calamity.
.
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