Saving Melvin's Privates

Melvin's privates are in danger. If the situation at Assclowns Inc. persists, he will likely chew off his own sausage and meatballs and bleed to death, just to put himself out of his misery.

Perhaps some of you are curious as to how Melvin ended up in this predicament. I think it's only fair to go into a little background about Melvin. After all, those who are wont to save him deserve to know. And I'm sure the rest are just morbidly curious.

Melvin has a degree in a technology field. When he graduated college, that particular field was deader than four o'clock. (Think "Need Another Seven Astronauts" if you want to figure out what Melvin's degree is in.)

But, he did find a job in a field that used some of his applicable skills, and soldiered forward from there.

His career didn't progress as expected because of a few unusual circumstances. One company he worked for got involved with a cult. (No, I'm not kidding.) Another had the burden of a vice-president too ethical to show favoritism, so a lady we'll call Moanica Knob-Slobber ended up in the manager development program instead of Melvin. And the shortage of Kiwi® shoe polish in Affirmative Action Tan was another huge issue.

After a few full stops and bump-starts, Melvin found himself grading standardized tests written by blithering retards. The situation was desperate. Money was short, and Melvin was crushed to learn exactly how many of America's young'uns thought Tupac was a role model. Still, he never gave up.

The Retard Test People were so impressed with Melvin that they offered him a job answering phone calls from a different demographic of retards. His rise through the ranks was swift and positive. He became Senior Speaker To Retards, then Supervisor Of Speakers To Retards, and finally Operations Guy Who Has To Deal With Way Too Many Assholes But At Least He Doesn't Have To Talk To Retards Anymore.

Fast forward to the current situation. Melvin didn't ask to work for Tuna Twat. She was thrust upon him like a pestilence. And I do not know her personally, but I know the type: A chick who could suck the joy out of an orgasm.

There needs to be less of those in the world.

The point is, Melvin has done everything right, and still finds himself under the wart-infested thumb of someone like Tuna Twat.

Yet, Melvin still sits on the cusp of greatness. Okay, it's not greatness exactly. More like being the personal assistant to an arrogant, arbitrary, autocratic, inflexible plush moose with a giant ego and an even bigger penis. Still, that's got to beat working for Tuna Twat.

Damn. How sad is that?

Anyway, details will be forthcoming about the Save Melvin campaign. We don't have to fund Melvin for life. He just needs to be tided over until he assumes his new position. Otherwise, he may do something he'll forever regret, like cutting the cheese right in Tuna Twat's nasty face.

Help if you can. If you can't, the moose still loves you. Especially if you have big tits.
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I Hate Idiots

The saga of Melvin and Assclown Inc. continues.

Melvin has been given a PIP (Personal Improvement Plan). Back in the day, they used to call such a thing a "written warning." But I guess that was just too harsh and un-politically correct. So now instead of warning you, they PIP you.

Melvin's manager - let's call her Tuna Twat - listed several grievances on his PIP. They boil down to the following:

"Melvin needs to be more proactive."

"Melvin doesn't work and play well with others."

"Melvin had the temerity to make a small mistake due to a lapse in memory."

"Melvin sometimes uses bad words."

"Melvin needs to communicate more with his peers and supervisors."

Of course, Tuna Twat didn't expect Melvin to read between the lines, and hear what she was REALLY saying:

"I'm a control freak, and need to be up my employees' ass all the time."

"I hate people that are smarter than me."

"Melvin needs to brown-nose more."

"When I go down in flames because I suck at my job, I'll need a few scapegoats."

"I'm so ferociously envious that Melvin is getting out of this shithole that I could spit nails."

"How dare Melvin walk, talk, or take a shit without consulting me?"

"Anyone who has the courage to point out the Emperor's lack of clothes needs to be severely punished."

All of this would be a whole lot more giggle-worthy if it weren't so fucking sad. The Peter Principle stops being funny when it starts being you.

But what the hell. Melvin really will be fine. I'm just continually aghast at what a fucked up place corporate America is. Maybe that movie Idiocracy wasn't too far off the mark.
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The Osamabama Supporter Ruthless Mockery Generator

The purpose of this mockery generator is to streamline the process of Obama supporters creating missives that can be ridiculed by those that see the truth about him and his family. Please select the option that most closely reflects your opinions or paranoid delusions, whichever comes first.


I support Obama because

A) he is going to change America. Not really sure how, but by god he's gonna change it.
B) it's time we had a black President.
C) he's a new voice in an old game.
D) I am experiencing cheese-like discharge from my private parts.


When I hear Obama talk, I am reminded of

A) John F. Kennedy.
B) Mahatma Ghandi.
C) Larry Flynt.
D) my neighbor who never picks up the dog poop in his yard.


If I could meet Mr. Obama, I would want to tell him

A) "YES WE CAN!"
B) "America will be better when you are President."
C) "Them's some big ol' ears you got, man."
D) "Dude, your fly is unzipped."


Obama wants everyone to have access to medical care. I appreciate this because

A) health care is a right, not a privilege.
B) doctors make too much money, and socialized medicine will fix that.
C) my doctor stole my wife, my dog, and my pickup truck.
D) that cheese-like discharge is really hindering my social life.


Obama supports affirmative action. I do as well, because

A) we need to right past wrongs.
B) all affirmative action does is level the playing field.
C) I am a minority and as such, deserve to be hired over more qualified applicants.
D) I suffer from Itchy Butt Syndrome, and I am tired of being discriminated against.


Obama is right about guns, since

A) the Second Amendment is a collective right, no matter what the Supreme Court said.
B) gun ownership in urban areas is just a recipe for disaster.
C) local restrictions on Constitutional rights only make sense.
D) the size of his "gun" takes after his mother's side of the family.


I understand why Obama wants to raise taxes.

A) The rich aren't paying their fair share.
B) The beleaguered middle class needs help.
C) I believe smart life choices and the success that results should be severely punished.
D) I can't afford a jet-ski.


Obama's wife Michelle is very misunderstood.

A) She really does love this country, no matter what she says.
B) Comments made in the heat of the moment should not be held against a candidate's wife.
C) She is a victim of Foot In Mouth disease, which is worse than leprosy, psoriasis, and an infected anal fissure combined.
D) Not every candidate can have a hot blonde wife who owns a beer distributorship.


Obama was right to denounce the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, because

A) his views do not reflect Obama's.
B) there is no place for racism in our modern world.
C) it's intelligent campaign strategy to throw lunatics under the bus.
D) you really can know someone for a few decades and not realize that they are a bigoted jackass.


I totally get why Obama won't authorize the state of Hawaii to release his original birth certificate.

A) It is no one's business but his.
B) He is obviously eligible to run for President, because the democrats nominated him.
C) He has no clue whether he was actually born here or not.
D) His father's occupation was listed as "circus clown and juggler."


I don't know why everyone is making such a big deal about Obama's association with Tony Rezko. After all,

A) they didn't really know each other well.
B) no politician can be expected to know about everyone who contributes to his campaign.
C) everyone has known gangsters under indictment in their closet.
D) it's not like he and Barack were caught rubbing raw chicken livers on each other's dupas or something.


Do you want to know the real reason Obama backed away from public campaign financing and decided to go private?

A) He wanted the little guy to have a chance to contribute and have a voice.
B) He wisely realized that everything about the public finance scheme for the Presidency is corrupt, and wanted no part of it.
C) He was pretty sure he could raise more money that way.
D) He really didn't want anyone finding out how much dough he was spending on hookers and booze.


It's good that Obama reneged on his promise to debate McCain in a series of town hall meetings. I mean,

A) Obama is saving it all up for the debates.
B) the crowd probably would have been stacked with pro-McCain people.
C) Barry can't put together a cogent sentence without cue cards or a teleprompter.
D) McCain would have handed him his ass.


If you don't vote for Obama,

A) it's because he's black, making you a racist.
B) it's because he's young, making you an ageist.
C) you see the folly in voting for the most grossly under-qualified Presidential candidate ever.
D) I will smear my cheese-like discharge on your windows after I TP your house.


Tread lightly, for you have been warned.

Sincerely,

A Dedicated Obama Kool-Aid Drinker
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Hell Of A Way To Say Thanks...

So, I know this guy. (No, this isn't THAT kind of an "I know this guy" story, so get your filthy minds out of the gay gutter.) Anyway, this guy's name is... Oh, let's call him Melvin.

Melvin works for a company we'll call Assclown Inc. The primary business of Assclown Inc. is to run call centers to administer government contracts for "help and information" lines. Since nobody, ever, in the history of the world woke up one morning and said, "I want to work at a call center!", it won't surprise you that Assclown Inc. attracts the dregs of the employment pool.

But Melvin is different. He's a dude that's grossly over-qualified for his job, who is just doing it to get by while he supports someone else's dream. That alone makes him a hell of a guy. But he's also hard-working, highly intelligent, articulate, healthy, and has good personal hygiene. That makes him a one-percenter at Assclown Inc.

So you would think they would be over the moon to have this guy, right? And they'd really make him feel valued?

Dream on. What they actually did was move him to a crappy schedule for less money.

Why would they do that, you ask? Because Melvin supposedly has all these "competencies" that they really value. And in their tiny feeble minds, the best way to indicate that is by fucking the poor bastard up the ass with a saguaro wrapped in barbed wire.

Thanks, Assclown Inc.!

Melvin appears inclined to stand his ground, which is good. But there's a larger point to be made here. Your tax dollars at work, running off the skilled and qualified? That wouldn't fly in the private sector, and it shouldn't fly in the government sector.

Melvin will be fine. He's got big plans. I just think anyone with two brain cells to rub together should wonder why Assclown Inc. has nothing better to do than screw with a guy like Melvin.
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Medicare Musings And Masturbations

Are you a geezer, fairly far travelled down the great highway of life, getting your medical care subsidized by sucking off the government tit?

Then don't read this piece. It will offend you. I'll box my clown for a few minutes while you gather your things and leave.

All righty. Now that all the cotton-heads are gone, we can get down to business. And today's business is Medicare. More specifically, today's business is the cluster-fuck known as the 1-800-MEDICARE helpline. (The "Should Medicare even exist?" diatribe will have to wait for another day.)

The helpline is intended to provide information to Medicare recipients and would-be enrollees. Not necessarily specific information about their claims, mind you, but rather general information about signing up and navigating the bureaucracy.

So can someone explain to me why in the fuck the Medicare helpline operates twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, pretty much every day of the year except Christmas? I mean seriously. How many people have an urgent need in the middle of the night to find out how one signs up for Medicare?

Now, I understand that sometimes old people keep odd hours. That's one of the things that makes them annoying. Really, they should just amuse themselves by masturbating until morning. God knows they could use the jolt.

But anyway, surely they don't need a fully staffed call center - or two or three - operating in the wee hours. SURELY daytime and early evening hours would be sufficient. We can't be dealing with THAT many elderly vampires.

And it's not like the poor bastards at the call center in the off hours can do anything anyway. Pretty much every entity they might refer you to is closed. All they can do is give you phone numbers that you can call during normal business hours. They can't explain to you why your toe cruckum wasn't covered.

(As an aside, I have often been tempted to call at 2 a.m. and ask if snake-handling injuries are covered. But I'm afraid the humorless fuck on the other end of the line wouldn't get the joke.)

Besides accommodating vampires, 1-800-MEDICARE is also very good about accommodating non-English speakers. I find this rather puzzling and a bit disturbing, since I thought Medicare was for citizens, and that citizens were supposed to know how to speaka da Inglesh. But apparently not.

A hot ticket for advancement in 1-800-MEDICARE land is being bi-lingual. When I say bi-lingual, I mean knowing Spanish, because apparently knowing any second language besides that one is worthless.

(My big-titted secretary's experience with bi-lingual customer service representatives has been that their English truly sucks ass, but I have been assured that this is not the case on the Medicare helpline. You really do have your choice between mediocre English and mediocre Spanish.)

My pedantic question about the matter is this: Does it REALLY make fiscal sense to pay someone extra for working the night shift, and extra for being bi-lingual, all so there can be someone who hablas available for phone work and web chat 24/7?

Oh, did I forget to mention the web chat? It was implemented to further improve Medicare recipients' access to information and answers. As IF most Medicare recipients have a fucking clue what to do with a computer. A teen pregnancy hotline having web chat? Sure. But Medicare needs web chat like a guppy needs a mink coat.

Now, let's move on to a fellow called Dirk Diggler. That isn't his real name, obviously, but hippos or HIPAA or hypocrites or some such shit prevent me from revealing his true identity.

Anyway, Dirk is a very lonely and very loony man. He was wont to call in the middle of the night, and go off on tirades about bizarre subjects having little or nothing to do with Medicare. I wasn't privy to these calls, of course, but I can only imagine. "The microchip that the aliens that abducted me implanted in my head gave me mercury poisoning! Is reversing mercury poisoning covered under Medicare?!?!"

(Let us once again bear in mind that the graveyard shift at 1-800-MEDICARE isn't qualified to answer that question.)

Eventually, the nocturnals in receipt of those calls grew weary of Dirk's ravings, and blocked his phone number. But Dirk is not an isolated case. The Diggler family appears to be large and growing, and they represent a sizable number of the calls that come in at odd hours.

In other words, your tax dollars are going to provide warm living bodies to talk to lonely lunatics. Doesn't that make you feel all tingly and fuzzy inside?

Here's something else that will give you joy-joy feelings. The folks at 1-800-MEDICARE are deeply concerned about your privacy, even if you are a Unabomber In Training. To that end, any email that the nice customer service folks send to management when someone calls in a bomb threat has to be encrypted to protect the caller's personal health information (PHI).

Did that little piece of insanity make you spit your morning coffee and say "What in the FUCK?!?!" Yeah, me too. It's kind of nutty that they're worrying about the HIPAA rights of someone who wants to blow them up. So far as I'm concerned, you nullify your privacy rights once you express a wish to kill and maim.

And it's a waste of time, anyway. The encrypted email can't be read without the Magic Decoder Email. If you send them to the wrong destination, ol' Ted's PHI will STILL end up in the wrong hands. It will just take a little extra time to do so.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: For the most evolved species on the planet, you humans sure are stupid sometimes.

So how about instead of wasting all this money answering stupid questions from blue-hairs and whackos and no hablas, you send the money to me instead? I'll set up the 1-800-MOOSICARE hotline, and answer gynecological questions for women between the ages of eighteen and thirty. Isn't that a much better use of those hard-earned tax dollars?

No, don't thank me. It's the least I can do to give something back to those who have given me so many erections.
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Kurt Busch Is An Asshole

So is Roger Penske.

I know. That's not news. What IS news is that NASCAR has announced that Kurt Busch will not be suspended for his little attempt to maim a jack-man.

Oh, they fined him 100 driver points and $100,000, and put him on probation for the remainder of the season. And gee, they also took 100 owner points away from Penske. But no suspension.

Their murky bullshit logic is that he sat out for the remainder of the Dover race, so he's already served something akin to a suspension. That's interesting rationalizing, except for the fact that his car was wrecked, so he wasn't going to be out on the track anyway.

But what's a pesky detail like that, when Kurt Busch got away scot-free with putting a man's life in danger? No, no, I don't want to hear the bullshit about the driver points and monetary fine. Those will teach Kurtsey nothing. He's a multi-millionaire, and the number of points lost wasn't sufficient to put him in a hole he can't climb out of.

So congratulations, Kurt. You are the new standard-bearer for what's acceptable behavior in NASCAR.

And you, Roger Penske... Shame, shame, SHAME on you. If you were any kind of owner, and any kind of man, you would have told Kurt to quit whining and suck it up. But instead, you went and sucked some NASCAR Honcho dick; begged, pleaded, threatened, cajoled, until they gave your sniveling, whiny ass its way. You must be so proud.

Loser.

NASCAR has a long and storied history of, um... differences of opinion between the various players. That sometimes led to such outcomes as fist fights in the garage. Hell, there was even a chick-fight last season, when Kurt Busch wrecked Greg Biffle at Texas Motor Speedway, and Biffle's woman went after Busch's. (Okay, that was some funny shit.)

But none of those scuffles, past or present, involved some psychotic mother-fucker trying to kill the jack-man. It's unprecedented in the sport.

And more to the point, NASCAR is changing. It's not strictly the province of redneck yahoos anymore. NASCAR has two choices: They can reject the new fans, and the shitload of cash that comes with them. Or they can embrace them, and understand that 85% of the fans thought Bat Ears Busch deserved a suspension.

The fans have a choice as well. We can actively work to change the sport, or we can stop following NASCAR. The big-titted secretary is in favor of everyone raising a united voice to take NASCAR in the direction it needs to go. I'm more inclined to tell them to kiss my hairy brown ass.

I guess since she's the one who does my typing for me, she wins. Wench.

Still, let's not gloss over what's really at issue here.



Jason Lee, crouched on the hood of a car, is what this is all about. Work to change NASCAR all you want, Little Miss Big Tits. But don't forget this incident when Kurt finally gets around to killing somebody.

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The Idiots At NASCAR

Seriously. The Powers That Be at NASCAR are either stupid, crazy, or on the take. There's no other explanation for what's going on.

Kurt Busch and Tony Stewart got into it at Dover. They were racing each other hard, and during a pass, they both ended up in the wall.

That's nothing new. Those two always race each other hard. Busch wrecked Stewart at Daytona this year, and they've had a few other less serious skirmishes along the way as well.

Both parties say the other is at fault. Looking at all the different camera angles, I'm inclined to say it's on Busch, or rather, on Busch's spotters. It's pretty obvious that he wasn't quite clear of Stewart when he headed back to the top.

Busch says Stewart should have given him some room, to which I say, "Bullshit."

But like most incidents of this nature, they should have scowled at each other, made some snarky comments to the press, and let it go. Problem is, Kurt Busch wouldn't. He pulled up beside Tony Stewart's car on pit road, lightly grazing it and almost hitting Stewart's jack-man.

Yes, you heard that right. If Jason Lee, who was inspecting the damage to Stewart's car when Busch came barreling in, hadn't seen him coming and jumped over the right front corner of the car, he would no longer be amongst the quick.

NASCAR made Busch sit out the rest of the race, and you can read what Stewart and his crew had to say about the incident here.

(Calling Busch a "bad apple" is kind of mild. I wish he'd ended up being called "found in the desert, bound and gagged, with a jack up his ass" instead. But I digress.)

So now, NASCAR is contemplating what penalty to issue Kurt Busch. Normally they would have made an announcement by now, but the race was rain-delayed until Monday, delaying the post-race meeting. Also, Bill France, the "father of modern NASCAR," passed away Sunday, and the focus of many in NASCAR was his pending memorial service. (Rest in peace, Bill.)

Anyway, NASCAR said they'd be announcing Busch's penalty late tonight. But they backed off on that, and now it's to be announced on Friday. The rumors on the internet are that he will be suspended for one race.

One race? ONE FUCKING RACE?!?! That better not be all he gets. To put this in perspective, take a look at this photo:



See that poor bastard on the hood of Stewart's car? He got there because he saw Busch coming, JUMPED FROM THE SIDE OF THE CAR WHERE HE WAS EXAMINING SHEET METAL DAMAGE TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR, then leapt up on the hood to shake his fist at Kurt Busch. (Congratulations to Tony Stewart's entire crew for exercising restraint. Well done, gentlemen.)

Busch could have killed Jason Lee. Or crushed his legs and made him a double amputee. If this incident happened in the Kroger parking lot, someone would be going to jail for assault or attempted murder. But it's NASCAR, so it only merits a one-race suspension? What the fuck?!?!

There are also rumors that the reason NASCAR is delaying the announcement about Busch's penalty is because Roger Penske, who swings a pretty big stick in the sport, is trying to talk them into an even lighter punishment than one race. If that's true, all I can say is, Penske is no Jack Roush. He - not NASCAR - parked Kurt Busch for two races for getting lippy with the cops after he was pulled over for speeding and suspected drunk driving.

Way to go, Jack. Roger could learn something from you.

Of course, it's also possible that it's the other way around: That Penske asked for more time, in order to assuage the #2 car's sponsor, Miller Lite. If that's the case, I hope they don't back down, and demand that Penske do something even if NASCAR won't.

Personally, I'm in favor of a lifetime ban. But I know that's not gonna happen. So how about a suspension for the rest of the season? Or maybe a six-race suspension, a multi-million dollar fine, 500 driver points, and an apology to Jason Lee?

Please, NASCAR... Don't treat this like it was no big deal. Because it WAS a big deal. Kurt Busch has amply demonstrated that he is a tragedy waiting to happen

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