Let's start with Billary the Bore. (What? You thought it was going to be Hillary the Whore? I'm wounded. No, the Bore Wars are over which Clinton is least interesting these days - Hill or Bill.)
Bill is building up quite a war chest for his husband... er, wife, by charging a half million bucks and up for speaking engagements. Now, he doesn't pimp Hilly in these speeches, and he doesn't say why he so desperately needs money, but it's not hard to read between the lines. This is his penance for fucking ugly women besides his wife.
Their latest appearance together is unpaid, though. In a pure PR ploy that would make Britney Spears blush, Billary has announced they will march in Selma to commemorate a historic voting rights effort, and to affirm for the masses that Bill is still black.
Which, I guess, makes Hillary black by insemination, presuming Bill has managed to get it up for her more than the one time that it took to create Chelsea The Dog. (No offense to the late Buddy The Dog intended. You were always the cute Clinton child.)
On a lighter note, and speaking of dogs, here's a photo of Bill, trying out a new look in an attempt to update his image and be a bigger ass(et) to his wife.
*snicker*
Anyway, on to the Gore. Albert Jr. is riding high after Melissa Etheridge humped his leg at the Academy Awards when An Inconvenient Truth won Best Adult Film or some such shit. There are whispers and rumors of a resurrection, another Gore run at the Presidency.
(I'm looking forward to Seeing Gore star in a documentary called A Hostile Atmosphere, where he goes to Mars to make a film explaining why that planet is getting warmer just like Earth is. But I digress.)
The entertainment industry greenies love Al Gore, because he makes them feel better about their own excesses. When Mr. Global Warming galavants about the country in a private jet telling everyone to be more environmentally aware, their own hypocrisy is somewhat lessened, in their collective celebrity eyes anyway.
So then it comes out that Gore has this huge honkin' mansion in Tennessee, that consumes more power in a month than the average American family does in more than a year. (As an aside, it's got eight bathrooms. EIGHT!! How the hell many places do he and Tipper need to launch a butt missile?!?!)
But no worries, because Mr. Green purchases "carbon offsets," which somehow philosophically make up for his conspicuous consumption of coal-fired power from the Tennessee Valley authority as well as natural gas.
You may have heard of these conscience-soothing "carbon offsets." They are available through a company called Generation Investment Management, which was co-founded by its current chairman, one Albert Gore Jr.
Yeah, Algore's getting a tax break to buy "carbon offsets" from himself. And yes, that IS really fucking funny.
Someone needs to send Ed Begley Jr. in to do a Green Eye For The Hypocrite Guy make-over on the Gore mansion.
And after the Gore, we have the Whore. As in, the Media Attention Whore, Barack Obama. He, too, will be in Selma, marching and pretending to be black.
Unfortunately for him, that just keeps getting harder and harder. (And it's not the good kind of hard.) This geneology site reveals a wee "inconvenient truth" about ol' Osamabama.
"Several of Mr. Obama's maternal ancestors owned slaves. Mr. Obama's slave-owning ancestors include George Washington Overall (number 110, above, husband of Mrs. Louisiana Duvall Overall and father-in-law of the Christopher Columbus Clark mentioned above) and Mrs. Mary Grable Duvall (number 223, above, mother of Mrs. Louisiana Duvall Overall and grandmother-in-law of Christopher Columbus Clark), both of whom are enumerated in the 1850 Federal Census as slave owners. George Washington Overall is also enumerated in the 1860 Federal Census as a slave owner. See the Extracts from the Federal Censuses, above, for details."
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Now ordinarily, this wouldn't be that big a deal. Everyone has some skeletons swinging on their family tree. But it's kind of hard to pull off that empathize with your fellow "oppressed African-Americans" thing when a) you aren't one of them, and b) you are in fact one of the oppressors, at least genetically.
So sad, yet so giggle-licious.
And last, but not least, the Doorknob, John Edwards. His poll numbers are shit, and no one's paying the least bit of attention to him. That must hurt.
Oh, well. At least John Kerry will always love him. More than he loves the Ketchup Chick, anyway.
Now I'm going to have nightmares about those three asses. There goes my boner for another month.
God DAMN it's going to be a long run-up to the 2008 election.
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