Dancing With The Heros (And The Zeros)

Ladies and gentlemen, mark your calenders, because I have a confession that I don't often make:

I was wrong.

In my last comments about Dancing With The Stars, I said Julianne Hough and Apolo Anton Ohno's dancing would lack maturity, and they would be leaving the show early.

I was so wrong that I feel like Janet Reno. (Okay, maybe not THAT wrong.) But still, it is shocking to me that the young, adorable Apolo and Julianne delivered the finest quickstep that Dancing With The Stars has ever seen, or will likely ever see again.

This is the couple to beat, folks. Two very grounded, yet fiercely competitive young people, who light the fucking floor on fire. He's like this little super ninja Fist Of Legend guy. Take a look at the photo on his website and you'll see what I mean. And her... Well, she's just a doll. My lust for Edyta remains intact, but this one is special too.

And to top it all off, Apolo is just an awesome guy. Check this out. He won a gold medal in the 1500 meters at the World Championships in Milan (while training for the show), on his way to winning the bronze overall. And guess what he did with that gold medal?

He gave it to his coach.

Apolo, you rock, you roll, you rule. Me and the big-titted secretary are behind you all the way.

So we've covered the heros. Let's move on to the zeros. Heather Mills is still in the competition. This is at the expense of the lovely Paulina Porizkova, who was handed her walking papers Tuesday night.

(Note to ABC: Please get rid of that sorry excuse for a co-host Samantha Boring, or whatever the fuck her name is, and hire Paulina. She's better looking, she has an actual personality, and she won't stumble over those long eastern European names with too many consonants.)

Anyway, back to HateHer Mills. Her costume was stupid. It looked like something you'd see at a sit-in, if there were any hippies left, and if they weren't too brain damaged from all the drugs to stage a sit-in. She seriously makes my moose-meat wilt more than Hillary Clinton does, and THAT is saying a lot.

And her dancing is as wooden as her leg. (Yeah, I know they don't make peg-legs out of wood anymore, but humor me.) She shook her tits like a stripper, but from the waist down, she was pure Murphy's Oil Soap gone wrong.

And not that her personal life matters, but...

Oh, fuck it. Her personal life DOES matter, because she put the fucking thing on display. So, it's fair game.

And the most creep-o-tronic thing so far about said personal life isn't the prostitution. It isn't the nudie pictures from the "sex manual." No, the creepiest thing so far is...

Wait for it...

Back in the 90s, she impersonated an investigative journalist who is also named Heather Mills.

Now THAT is a true "What the FUCK?!?!" moment. How could she think she wouldn't get caught? What made her think such a ruse was a good idea? Is she totally out of her fucking mind?

Now, Ms. Mills is working on her exit strategy from the show. She's said she can't rehearse because of back pain. She's all pissed that she was assigned the jive instead of the tango. She's fucked, and she knows it.

So the moose predicts an early withdrawal, so to speak. Heather's plan to make America love her has backfired in a spectacular way, and the only method of flushing her shit down the drain is to say, "Sorry, Jonathan. I simply cannot go on. The pain is too much."

Buhbye, bitch.

The other soon-to-be buhbye is Shandi and Brian, our other zeros of the night. She can't dance for shit, and he...

Let's put it this way. If Apolo Ohno is Fist Of Legend, Brian Fortuna is Fist Of Salami. As in, he wants that Fist Of Salami driving right up his Hershey Highway. He's so fuckin' gay that he makes Oscar Wilde look straight. Deep deep DEEP in the closet, no doubt, but gay gay GAY.

But wait, there's more. He has a creepy mother. She's got some comments about the show on her website. A couple of highlights:

Brian and Shandi - WHERE IS HIS COSTUME??????????????????? Did they give him something ridicuous and then he wouldn't wear it????? That's my guess. Or did he ask for something ridiculous and then they wouldn't allow him to wear it? Or did part of the costume get in the way of the dance? He told me he would be wearing a jacket. Why isn't she wearing a skirt with enough fabric to MOVE??????? What's with the hairdo - time for something NEW!!!!!!!!!!

And:

I am up to here with the publicity, PR, promos, etc, that show my son in a bad light.

Um, is it just me, or is that Norman Bates in the background, saying "A boy's best friend is his mother."

Creeeeeeepy.

So there you have it. A hero, some zeros, and... and...

And my lovely Edyta is doing well with HIM. Yes, HIM. That retard old guy Cliff the mailman. I hope he dies from priapism.

Then I can bone... er, I mean, love, my Edyta forever.

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Mea Culpa

That's Latin for "I sorry things be hosed up."

The Moose Antenna Cafe is experiencing some temporary technical difficulties. Please be patient while the big-titted secretary restores the postings that have been repeatedly nuked.

(Have you ever noticed that if you pronounce "nuked" as "nuke-ed" it sounds a lot like the word "naked"? That makes me feel a little better. Not much, but a little.)

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It's The End Of The World As We Know It!

Also known as When Capitalism And Girl Power Collide.

This is a story about brand identity, consumerism, little girls, and perspective. An anguished mother made a blog entry about her daughter's experience at American Girl Place. To say that experience was less than positive would be like saying Charles Manson is a little bit of a homicidal maniac. The whole thing was a cluster-fuck.

You see, little Etta was invited by a friend to bring her doll to a hairstyling event at a store in Manhattan dedicated to American Girl dolls. The hairstyling was for the dolls, not the little girls, which is kind of creepy. Who seriously pays twenty bucks to get their doll's hair styled?

But that's beside the point. The problem arose because little Etta's doll, Gracie, is not an American Girl doll. American Girl dolls are about a hundred bucks a piece, and Gracie is a $29.99 doll from Target.

The doll hair stylist said the Target doll wasn't "real." I'm sure she meant that it was an inexpensive, crude knock-off of the "official" American Girl dolls, but it seems the way the girl took it was, "This isn't a real doll."

Now frankly, when I think of "real dolls," I think of...

WARNING! Do not open this link if your boss is looking over your shoulder, or you may find yourself unemployed. The boobies are made of latex, but they're still there.

Anyway, to me, there's only one Real Doll. But then again, I'm a pervert and constantly horny, so of COURSE that's what would pop up in my head. (Hee. I said "pop up in my head.")

Ahem. Then all the Snobby Mommies made snobby comments, the girl cried and decided she didn't love Gracie anymore, and her mother wrote about it. (Yo, American Girl Place. I understand why you won't service dolls other than your own. It's to preserve the elitism of your brand. But it would be nice if you pointed that out on your website, so this doesn't happen again.)

Next, the sad story of Etta and Gracie was posted on consumerist.com, where even more people expressed outrage at the way this incident went down.

And it does suck that a little girl was mistreated by a bunch of twats with a stick up their ass. I know all about wanting something, and being disappointed when you don't get it.

But isn't the outrage a bit, uh... disproportionate to the actual events? I mean, are today's little hatchlings really so under-stimulated and over-indulged that a screw-up at a doll hair salon is a life-altering (or life-destroying) event?

Seriously, kid. There's sproggies out there with REAL problems. Like leukemia, or getting run over by a bus, or being molested by their grandfather. Your issue really IS trivial by comparison. I know it feels like the end of the world right now, but seriously, it isn't. You (and your doll) will live.

As I look into my crystal ball while stroking my telepathic penis, I will make the following prediction:

American Girl Place will try to make this right by giving the kid a "real" American Girl doll, and a shit-pile of clothes and accessories for it. And thus she will learn... What? That if you whine and cry about the unfairness of life, a relatively trivial matter will be mitigated in a splashy, expensive, overboard way?

Yeah, that's a lesson every kid needs.

And I still can't fucking believe anyone would cough up twenty bucks to get their doll's hair styled. But hey, that's the convergence of capitalism and odd priorities for ya.

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What A Cocksucker

Some assclown columnist with an agenda, in unholy cooperation with the publisher of the Roanoke Times, decided it would be a good idea to illustrate the wonders of Freedom Of Information laws by putting the names and home addresses of all the holders of concealed carry permits in a database on the paper's website. The information was removed the very next day amid a shit-storm of critcism.

It all started with this editorial in the Roanoke Times about Freedom Of Information laws. The snark factor was pretty high.

This is not about being for or against guns. There are plenty of reasons people choose to carry weapons: fear of a violent ex-lover, concern about criminals or worry that the king of England might try to get into your house. There are plenty of reasons to question the wisdom of widespread gun ownership, too.

But that's a debate for another time.

And:

A state that eagerly puts sex offender data online complete with an interactive map could easily do the same with gun permits, but it does not.

The article then provided a link to a searchable database of every person in the state of Virginia who had been issued a concealed carry permit.

Now, leaving aside that this rocket scientist compared gun owners to sex offenders, there were names on that list that belong to women who were hiding from an abusive ex, or from someone else who had victimized them. To me, publishing those addresses doesn't seem like a good idea.

Nor, really, does providing burglars with an "interactive map" of where they need to go to steal guns seem like wise thinking.

And the notion that publishing this information would allow parents to see if the other parents driving the carpool are packing heat is just moronic. If you want to know if they're armed, fucking ASK them. If you don't know them well enough to broach the subject, is it really a good idea to be sending your kids off with them every day?

The paper is mostly unapologetic for this mess, essentially saying that they didn't break any laws with their bone-headed move, and they've now shut the barn door when the horse is three miles up the road by taking the database down, so what's the problem?

I don't have a pony in the race, since I'm a moose, and mooses can't get CCW permits in any state that I know of. (I've always wondered, however, why my constant state of extreme arousal doesn't qualify me for a permit, since I've heard people say that guns are phallic symbols.) And none of my people live in Virginia. But I can see why CCW holders in that state are pissed off. This sort of invasion of privacy was NOT the intention behind Freedom Of Information laws.

On the positive side, the state legislature is going to consider the issue of whether the names and addresses of those who have a permit to carry concealed weapons should be a matter of public record in the first place. Also, the assclowns who decided it was a good idea to put the database on line will be fending off several very expensive lawsuits.

But what of the people who will have to re-arrange their whole lives because some smart-ass thought this was a good exercise in exploring the benefits and short-comings of Freedom Of Information laws? Is Mr. Trejbal going to use his paltry Roanoke Times salary to personally compensate them for their moving expenses and other costs associated with this clusterfuck? Somehow I doubt it.

Which is why that cocksucker needs to eat shit and die.

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Maybe They Should Have Gone With "Hoo-hoo" Or "Twat" Instead

Three high school girls were suspended for their contributions to a school event.

Saying the word "vagina" during a reading at a John Jay High School open mic session has resulted in suspension for three female students and has sparked a debate about censorship throughout the community.

School administrators had warned the girls it would be inappropriate to say the word while reading a selection from Eve Ensler's "The Vagina Monologues," but the students were willing to suffer the consequences.

Read the rest of the articlehere.

Okay, not seeing the problem here. The girls involved were told not to use the word because there were going to be young children in the audience, and they agreed not to. They changed their minds, and chose to say it anyway and accept the consequences.

So why are all these other people getting involved? It seems like a closed issue to me.

Not to mention, all this whining about "censorship" is pretty damned stupid. It's not about censorship. It's about the fact that there were going to be children of all ages at this little shindig. They really don't need to be hearing about vaginas.

More specifically, they don't need to be hearing shit like this:

"My short skirt is a liberation flag in the women's army. I declare these streets, any streets, my vagina's country."

Telling your little daughter, "This is your vagina. Tell me if it hurts or if somebody touches it" is one thing. Reading to her from The Vagina Monologues is quite another.

But I guess concepts like selecting "age-appropriate material" for family-oriented school functions went out of fashion with beehive hairdos.

I gotta wonder who told these ding-a-lings this was a good idea. And no, I don't believe they came up with that one their own. I'm picture a single mother of one bratty girl, a "feminist," of course. Expensive streaks in her hair, expensive manicure and pedicure. The kind of chick who whines about how "opressed" she is because she's a woman, complaining long and loud all the way to the bank to cash her $6,000 a month alimony check.

I could be wrong, of course, but somehow I doubt it. Only those kind of "feminists" have enough time on their hands to fit in both gazing at their navel and indoctrinating their daughter.

Anyway, man up, girls. Serve your suspension, call off the protests, and get on with your "liberated" little lives.

Oh, and next time you make a promise... Keep it.

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Or They Could Just Leave The Little Freak Out For The Buzzards...

We've talked about the Peanut Nazis a few times in the past. I love reading about them, because they and their children are so often such bizarre people, leading such bizarre lives. For kids with mild allergies, it's like Munchausen's By Peanut. The Peanut Mommy's entire life is consumed with trying to eradicate the tasty legume from little Bratleigh's environment, when it's really not that big a deal.

Then there's kids that really DO have a problem. Check out the following, which is apparently a real list of what some elementary school aged child is allergic to.

Severe (can be anaphylactic) Allergies:

Dairy
Eggs
Peanut
Wheat

Moderate Allergies:

Soy
Barley
Yeast
Rye
ALL grains EXCEPT rice, millet, amaranth, quinoa, corn and infrequently oats
Pork
Beef
All other red meat, except Duck and Venison
Chocolate (also allergic to dairy-free chocolate)
Citric Acid and Citric Fruits (Citrus fruits include: Citron, grapefruit, kumquat, lemon, lime, orange, pomelo, tangelo, tangerine)
Garlic
Any sort of BEAN or other legume (Alfalfa, bean (kidney, lentil, lima, mung, navy, pinto, soy, string), carob, guar gum, gum acacia, kudzu, licorice, pea (black-eyed, chick-pea, green) PEANUT)
Any SEEDS (including, sesame, sunflower, pumpkin, etc.)
All Nuts
Melon
Grapes
Raisins
Mustard
Vinegar
Dates
Tomatoes and tomato sauce
Mushrooms


Do not give the following as they are highly allergenic:

Strawberries
Kiwi Fruit
Goat’s Milk
ShellFish (including prawns, scallops, etc.)

Can have the following no more than once a week:

Bananas
Fresh Fish (select a type with few bones)
Canned Tuna

Can have the following once or twice a month:

Oats

Other Allergies:

Dogs
Cats
Most other hairy animals
Dust mites (SEVERE)
Grass and weeds (SEVERE)
Strong household cleaners will induce eczema
Aerosols can induce asthma
Latex

(I find it amusing that he's not allergic to millet. Maybe he could eat lots of millet paste like the Nigerians do, and end up looking like one of those kids in the "Just seventeen dollars a month will feed little Roshumba" commercials.)

Anyway, are you shaking your head and mumbling, "Holy SHIT! What the fuck does this kid eat?!?!" Yeah, me too. And does the poor thing ever even leave his house, with all the other stuff besides food that he's allergic to?

I'm not a completely heartless bastard. I feel really sorry for this kid. He's never going to have anything even approaching a normal life.

But his moomie sounds like a real nutbag. (Tee hee. Nutbag. Get it?) She honestly expects to be able to send her sproggie to public school, where he will not be singled out in any way.

How could he NOT be? The kid should be wearing a haz-mat suit to keep him away from the gazillion things he's allergic to, ferfuck'ssake.

But no, she wants him to be able to make friends, and be able to sit with his friends, no matter what they have in their lunch. Leaving aside the fact that the freaky kid with the neurotic mother usually doesn't HAVE any friends, Mom's plan essentially requires the school to be the Lunch Police.

And that is both impractical and unfair.

Yeah, yeah, I understand that THE LAW says a child must be educated in the "least restrictive environment." But look how well THAT has worked out. The poor diabetic kid is relegated to the principal's office to eat his peanut butter, in order to accomodate one peanut freak in the cafeteria. Meanwhile, the autistic tard's parents threaten to sue because their violent, destructive progeny isn't welcome in with the normal kids.

And the children whose parents are too poor to afford anything BUT peanut butter, and too proud to enroll them in the free lunch dole? Eh, fuck 'em. They deserve to go hungry all day, right?

No, not right. Any law that says dozens or hundreds of children have to suffer so one or two Peanut Mommies can pretend their immono-defective offspring are normal is a bad law.

And the parents of a kidlet who's allergic to fucking EVERYTHING need to buy said kidlet a nice computer, and enroll him in a cyber charter school. There's some excellent ones out there, and the state pays and everything.

Isn't that better than a failed experiment in normalcy that leaves your young'un blue and dead?

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Now That's Sticking To Your Guns...

Today, it's all about the bang-bangs. (No, I didn't say gang-bangs, you perverts. Get your mind out of the gutter.) We're going to talk about firearms.

Let's start with the story of a man who used his 9mm in self-defense during a home invasion.

--One of two men who allegedly invaded a residence in Boyd County Wednesday night has died of wounds inflicted by a man who lived at the house. The dead man is identified as 50-year-old Robert Chapman of Greenup.

The Boyd County sheriff's department reports 23-year-old Jason Daniels was tied up by two men who had impersonated police officers and pounded on the door. When Daniels didn't open the door, the two smashed the door open. Sheriff Terry Keelin says they tied up Daniels in the bathroom and began ransacking the house, but Daniels was able to free himself and obtain his 9-millimeter pistol.--

Good for him.Anyone who tries to gain entry to your house by impersonating a police officer, busts down the door, then ties you up, probably isn't there for grilled cheese, tomato soup, and cartoons.

I didn't understand this part, though.

--Justice was charged with burglary and impersonating a police officer. A grand jury will be asked to decide if Daniels will be charged, but Keelin says none have been filed so far.--

What in the fuck would they charge Mr. Daniels with? Refusing to be a panty-waist victim? Chlorinating the gene pool? Failure to cancel both the dirtbags rather than just one?

The dead guy's family is apparently making some noise about Daniels being a "bad" man. Supposedly he was a drug dealer. You know what? I don't really give a shit if he was peddling more dope than anyone else in Kentucky. If you invade a man's home, you'd best expect to be kilt.

On to a couple of good ol' boys in Tennessee who quelled an armed road rager.

--Police in Memphis say a gunman firing a pistol beside a busy city street was subdued by two passers-by who were also armed. No one was hurt during the incident that apparently began with a minor traffic accident, but one passing car was believed hit by a bullet.

Brothers William Webber and Paul Webber told police they stopped their car and pulled their own pistols when they saw a man firing a handgun yesterday. The brothers said they ordered the man to drop his weapon and then held him at gunpoint until police arrived a few minutes later. Police say the Webbers did not fire their pistols.--

Well done, gentlemen.

Every time I read about people who are "concerned" about concealed carry, I think of stories like this. Had the Webber brothers not been armed, who nows what sort of unfortunate outcome could have resulted.

And I don't fucking want to hear the whole "If guns weren't legal..." line of bullshit. I seriously dobt that the criminals worry too much about that when they are obtaining THEIR guns.

(By the by, my big-titted secretary looks totally hot when she's shooting a gun. Just thought I'd share that.)

And today's last gunrelated story is fucking HUGE. I mean, bigger than my massive moose-meat huge. Some federal judge struck down Washington DC's handgun ban.

--A federal appeals court overturned the District of Columbia's long-standing handgun ban Friday, rejecting the city's argument that the Second Amendment right to bear arms applied only to militias.

In a 2-1 decision, the judges held that the activities protected by the Second Amendment "are not limited to militia service, nor is an individual's enjoyment of the right contingent" on enrollment in a militia.

The U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit ruled that the city cannot prevent people from keeping handguns in their homes. The ruling also struck down a requirement that owners of registered firearms keep them unloaded and disassembled. The court did not address provisions that prohibit people from carrying unregistered guns outside the home.

The decision marks the first time a federal appeals court has struck down a portion of a gun law on Second Amendment grounds.--

Ya know what this means? The Supreme Court is going to hear a REAL Second Amendment case. No, I don't think they'll take a pass. John Roberts has balls. He's not afraid of the tough cases.

Thus, perhaps the question of what the Second Amendment REALLY means will become a matter of settled case law. And that's a good thing.

Now if they would only undo that idiotic Kelo decision, we'd be all set.

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