The purpose of this mockery generator is to streamline the process of Obama supporters creating missives that can be ridiculed by those that see the truth about him and his family. Please select the option that most closely reflects your opinions or paranoid delusions, whichever comes first.
I support Obama because
A) he is going to change America. Not really sure how, but by god he's gonna change it.
B) it's time we had a black President.
C) he's a new voice in an old game.
D) I am experiencing cheese-like discharge from my private parts.
When I hear Obama talk, I am reminded of
A) John F. Kennedy.
B) Mahatma Ghandi.
C) Larry Flynt.
D) my neighbor who never picks up the dog poop in his yard.
If I could meet Mr. Obama, I would want to tell him
A) "YES WE CAN!"
B) "America will be better when you are President."
C) "Them's some big ol' ears you got, man."
D) "Dude, your fly is unzipped."
Obama wants everyone to have access to medical care. I appreciate this because
A) health care is a right, not a privilege.
B) doctors make too much money, and socialized medicine will fix that.
C) my doctor stole my wife, my dog, and my pickup truck.
D) that cheese-like discharge is really hindering my social life.
Obama supports affirmative action. I do as well, because
A) we need to right past wrongs.
B) all affirmative action does is level the playing field.
C) I am a minority and as such, deserve to be hired over more qualified applicants.
D) I suffer from Itchy Butt Syndrome, and I am tired of being discriminated against.
Obama is right about guns, since
A) the Second Amendment is a collective right, no matter what the Supreme Court said.
B) gun ownership in urban areas is just a recipe for disaster.
C) local restrictions on Constitutional rights only make sense.
D) the size of his "gun" takes after his mother's side of the family.
I understand why Obama wants to raise taxes.
A) The rich aren't paying their fair share.
B) The beleaguered middle class needs help.
C) I believe smart life choices and the success that results should be severely punished.
D) I can't afford a jet-ski.
Obama's wife Michelle is very misunderstood.
A) She really does love this country, no matter what she says.
B) Comments made in the heat of the moment should not be held against a candidate's wife.
C) She is a victim of Foot In Mouth disease, which is worse than leprosy, psoriasis, and an infected anal fissure combined.
D) Not every candidate can have a hot blonde wife who owns a beer distributorship.
Obama was right to denounce the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, because
A) his views do not reflect Obama's.
B) there is no place for racism in our modern world.
C) it's intelligent campaign strategy to throw lunatics under the bus.
D) you really can know someone for a few decades and not realize that they are a bigoted jackass.
I totally get why Obama won't authorize the state of Hawaii to release his original birth certificate.
A) It is no one's business but his.
B) He is obviously eligible to run for President, because the democrats nominated him.
C) He has no clue whether he was actually born here or not.
D) His father's occupation was listed as "circus clown and juggler."
I don't know why everyone is making such a big deal about Obama's association with Tony Rezko. After all,
A) they didn't really know each other well.
B) no politician can be expected to know about everyone who contributes to his campaign.
C) everyone has known gangsters under indictment in their closet.
D) it's not like he and Barack were caught rubbing raw chicken livers on each other's dupas or something.
Do you want to know the real reason Obama backed away from public campaign financing and decided to go private?
A) He wanted the little guy to have a chance to contribute and have a voice.
B) He wisely realized that everything about the public finance scheme for the Presidency is corrupt, and wanted no part of it.
C) He was pretty sure he could raise more money that way.
D) He really didn't want anyone finding out how much dough he was spending on hookers and booze.
It's good that Obama reneged on his promise to debate McCain in a series of town hall meetings. I mean,
A) Obama is saving it all up for the debates.
B) the crowd probably would have been stacked with pro-McCain people.
C) Barry can't put together a cogent sentence without cue cards or a teleprompter.
D) McCain would have handed him his ass.
If you don't vote for Obama,
A) it's because he's black, making you a racist.
B) it's because he's young, making you an ageist.
C) you see the folly in voting for the most grossly under-qualified Presidential candidate ever.
D) I will smear my cheese-like discharge on your windows after I TP your house.
Tread lightly, for you have been warned.
Sincerely,
A Dedicated Obama Kool-Aid Drinker
.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Hell Of A Way To Say Thanks...
So, I know this guy. (No, this isn't THAT kind of an "I know this guy" story, so get your filthy minds out of the gay gutter.) Anyway, this guy's name is... Oh, let's call him Melvin.
Melvin works for a company we'll call Assclown Inc. The primary business of Assclown Inc. is to run call centers to administer government contracts for "help and information" lines. Since nobody, ever, in the history of the world woke up one morning and said, "I want to work at a call center!", it won't surprise you that Assclown Inc. attracts the dregs of the employment pool.
But Melvin is different. He's a dude that's grossly over-qualified for his job, who is just doing it to get by while he supports someone else's dream. That alone makes him a hell of a guy. But he's also hard-working, highly intelligent, articulate, healthy, and has good personal hygiene. That makes him a one-percenter at Assclown Inc.
So you would think they would be over the moon to have this guy, right? And they'd really make him feel valued?
Dream on. What they actually did was move him to a crappy schedule for less money.
Why would they do that, you ask? Because Melvin supposedly has all these "competencies" that they really value. And in their tiny feeble minds, the best way to indicate that is by fucking the poor bastard up the ass with a saguaro wrapped in barbed wire.
Thanks, Assclown Inc.!
Melvin appears inclined to stand his ground, which is good. But there's a larger point to be made here. Your tax dollars at work, running off the skilled and qualified? That wouldn't fly in the private sector, and it shouldn't fly in the government sector.
Melvin will be fine. He's got big plans. I just think anyone with two brain cells to rub together should wonder why Assclown Inc. has nothing better to do than screw with a guy like Melvin.
.
Melvin works for a company we'll call Assclown Inc. The primary business of Assclown Inc. is to run call centers to administer government contracts for "help and information" lines. Since nobody, ever, in the history of the world woke up one morning and said, "I want to work at a call center!", it won't surprise you that Assclown Inc. attracts the dregs of the employment pool.
But Melvin is different. He's a dude that's grossly over-qualified for his job, who is just doing it to get by while he supports someone else's dream. That alone makes him a hell of a guy. But he's also hard-working, highly intelligent, articulate, healthy, and has good personal hygiene. That makes him a one-percenter at Assclown Inc.
So you would think they would be over the moon to have this guy, right? And they'd really make him feel valued?
Dream on. What they actually did was move him to a crappy schedule for less money.
Why would they do that, you ask? Because Melvin supposedly has all these "competencies" that they really value. And in their tiny feeble minds, the best way to indicate that is by fucking the poor bastard up the ass with a saguaro wrapped in barbed wire.
Thanks, Assclown Inc.!
Melvin appears inclined to stand his ground, which is good. But there's a larger point to be made here. Your tax dollars at work, running off the skilled and qualified? That wouldn't fly in the private sector, and it shouldn't fly in the government sector.
Melvin will be fine. He's got big plans. I just think anyone with two brain cells to rub together should wonder why Assclown Inc. has nothing better to do than screw with a guy like Melvin.
.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Medicare Musings And Masturbations
Are you a geezer, fairly far travelled down the great highway of life, getting your medical care subsidized by sucking off the government tit?
Then don't read this piece. It will offend you. I'll box my clown for a few minutes while you gather your things and leave.
All righty. Now that all the cotton-heads are gone, we can get down to business. And today's business is Medicare. More specifically, today's business is the cluster-fuck known as the 1-800-MEDICARE helpline. (The "Should Medicare even exist?" diatribe will have to wait for another day.)
The helpline is intended to provide information to Medicare recipients and would-be enrollees. Not necessarily specific information about their claims, mind you, but rather general information about signing up and navigating the bureaucracy.
So can someone explain to me why in the fuck the Medicare helpline operates twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, pretty much every day of the year except Christmas? I mean seriously. How many people have an urgent need in the middle of the night to find out how one signs up for Medicare?
Now, I understand that sometimes old people keep odd hours. That's one of the things that makes them annoying. Really, they should just amuse themselves by masturbating until morning. God knows they could use the jolt.
But anyway, surely they don't need a fully staffed call center - or two or three - operating in the wee hours. SURELY daytime and early evening hours would be sufficient. We can't be dealing with THAT many elderly vampires.
And it's not like the poor bastards at the call center in the off hours can do anything anyway. Pretty much every entity they might refer you to is closed. All they can do is give you phone numbers that you can call during normal business hours. They can't explain to you why your toe cruckum wasn't covered.
(As an aside, I have often been tempted to call at 2 a.m. and ask if snake-handling injuries are covered. But I'm afraid the humorless fuck on the other end of the line wouldn't get the joke.)
Besides accommodating vampires, 1-800-MEDICARE is also very good about accommodating non-English speakers. I find this rather puzzling and a bit disturbing, since I thought Medicare was for citizens, and that citizens were supposed to know how to speaka da Inglesh. But apparently not.
A hot ticket for advancement in 1-800-MEDICARE land is being bi-lingual. When I say bi-lingual, I mean knowing Spanish, because apparently knowing any second language besides that one is worthless.
(My big-titted secretary's experience with bi-lingual customer service representatives has been that their English truly sucks ass, but I have been assured that this is not the case on the Medicare helpline. You really do have your choice between mediocre English and mediocre Spanish.)
My pedantic question about the matter is this: Does it REALLY make fiscal sense to pay someone extra for working the night shift, and extra for being bi-lingual, all so there can be someone who hablas available for phone work and web chat 24/7?
Oh, did I forget to mention the web chat? It was implemented to further improve Medicare recipients' access to information and answers. As IF most Medicare recipients have a fucking clue what to do with a computer. A teen pregnancy hotline having web chat? Sure. But Medicare needs web chat like a guppy needs a mink coat.
Now, let's move on to a fellow called Dirk Diggler. That isn't his real name, obviously, but hippos or HIPAA or hypocrites or some such shit prevent me from revealing his true identity.
Anyway, Dirk is a very lonely and very loony man. He was wont to call in the middle of the night, and go off on tirades about bizarre subjects having little or nothing to do with Medicare. I wasn't privy to these calls, of course, but I can only imagine. "The microchip that the aliens that abducted me implanted in my head gave me mercury poisoning! Is reversing mercury poisoning covered under Medicare?!?!"
(Let us once again bear in mind that the graveyard shift at 1-800-MEDICARE isn't qualified to answer that question.)
Eventually, the nocturnals in receipt of those calls grew weary of Dirk's ravings, and blocked his phone number. But Dirk is not an isolated case. The Diggler family appears to be large and growing, and they represent a sizable number of the calls that come in at odd hours.
In other words, your tax dollars are going to provide warm living bodies to talk to lonely lunatics. Doesn't that make you feel all tingly and fuzzy inside?
Here's something else that will give you joy-joy feelings. The folks at 1-800-MEDICARE are deeply concerned about your privacy, even if you are a Unabomber In Training. To that end, any email that the nice customer service folks send to management when someone calls in a bomb threat has to be encrypted to protect the caller's personal health information (PHI).
Did that little piece of insanity make you spit your morning coffee and say "What in the FUCK?!?!" Yeah, me too. It's kind of nutty that they're worrying about the HIPAA rights of someone who wants to blow them up. So far as I'm concerned, you nullify your privacy rights once you express a wish to kill and maim.
And it's a waste of time, anyway. The encrypted email can't be read without the Magic Decoder Email. If you send them to the wrong destination, ol' Ted's PHI will STILL end up in the wrong hands. It will just take a little extra time to do so.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: For the most evolved species on the planet, you humans sure are stupid sometimes.
So how about instead of wasting all this money answering stupid questions from blue-hairs and whackos and no hablas, you send the money to me instead? I'll set up the 1-800-MOOSICARE hotline, and answer gynecological questions for women between the ages of eighteen and thirty. Isn't that a much better use of those hard-earned tax dollars?
No, don't thank me. It's the least I can do to give something back to those who have given me so many erections.
.
Then don't read this piece. It will offend you. I'll box my clown for a few minutes while you gather your things and leave.
All righty. Now that all the cotton-heads are gone, we can get down to business. And today's business is Medicare. More specifically, today's business is the cluster-fuck known as the 1-800-MEDICARE helpline. (The "Should Medicare even exist?" diatribe will have to wait for another day.)
The helpline is intended to provide information to Medicare recipients and would-be enrollees. Not necessarily specific information about their claims, mind you, but rather general information about signing up and navigating the bureaucracy.
So can someone explain to me why in the fuck the Medicare helpline operates twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, pretty much every day of the year except Christmas? I mean seriously. How many people have an urgent need in the middle of the night to find out how one signs up for Medicare?
Now, I understand that sometimes old people keep odd hours. That's one of the things that makes them annoying. Really, they should just amuse themselves by masturbating until morning. God knows they could use the jolt.
But anyway, surely they don't need a fully staffed call center - or two or three - operating in the wee hours. SURELY daytime and early evening hours would be sufficient. We can't be dealing with THAT many elderly vampires.
And it's not like the poor bastards at the call center in the off hours can do anything anyway. Pretty much every entity they might refer you to is closed. All they can do is give you phone numbers that you can call during normal business hours. They can't explain to you why your toe cruckum wasn't covered.
(As an aside, I have often been tempted to call at 2 a.m. and ask if snake-handling injuries are covered. But I'm afraid the humorless fuck on the other end of the line wouldn't get the joke.)
Besides accommodating vampires, 1-800-MEDICARE is also very good about accommodating non-English speakers. I find this rather puzzling and a bit disturbing, since I thought Medicare was for citizens, and that citizens were supposed to know how to speaka da Inglesh. But apparently not.
A hot ticket for advancement in 1-800-MEDICARE land is being bi-lingual. When I say bi-lingual, I mean knowing Spanish, because apparently knowing any second language besides that one is worthless.
(My big-titted secretary's experience with bi-lingual customer service representatives has been that their English truly sucks ass, but I have been assured that this is not the case on the Medicare helpline. You really do have your choice between mediocre English and mediocre Spanish.)
My pedantic question about the matter is this: Does it REALLY make fiscal sense to pay someone extra for working the night shift, and extra for being bi-lingual, all so there can be someone who hablas available for phone work and web chat 24/7?
Oh, did I forget to mention the web chat? It was implemented to further improve Medicare recipients' access to information and answers. As IF most Medicare recipients have a fucking clue what to do with a computer. A teen pregnancy hotline having web chat? Sure. But Medicare needs web chat like a guppy needs a mink coat.
Now, let's move on to a fellow called Dirk Diggler. That isn't his real name, obviously, but hippos or HIPAA or hypocrites or some such shit prevent me from revealing his true identity.
Anyway, Dirk is a very lonely and very loony man. He was wont to call in the middle of the night, and go off on tirades about bizarre subjects having little or nothing to do with Medicare. I wasn't privy to these calls, of course, but I can only imagine. "The microchip that the aliens that abducted me implanted in my head gave me mercury poisoning! Is reversing mercury poisoning covered under Medicare?!?!"
(Let us once again bear in mind that the graveyard shift at 1-800-MEDICARE isn't qualified to answer that question.)
Eventually, the nocturnals in receipt of those calls grew weary of Dirk's ravings, and blocked his phone number. But Dirk is not an isolated case. The Diggler family appears to be large and growing, and they represent a sizable number of the calls that come in at odd hours.
In other words, your tax dollars are going to provide warm living bodies to talk to lonely lunatics. Doesn't that make you feel all tingly and fuzzy inside?
Here's something else that will give you joy-joy feelings. The folks at 1-800-MEDICARE are deeply concerned about your privacy, even if you are a Unabomber In Training. To that end, any email that the nice customer service folks send to management when someone calls in a bomb threat has to be encrypted to protect the caller's personal health information (PHI).
Did that little piece of insanity make you spit your morning coffee and say "What in the FUCK?!?!" Yeah, me too. It's kind of nutty that they're worrying about the HIPAA rights of someone who wants to blow them up. So far as I'm concerned, you nullify your privacy rights once you express a wish to kill and maim.
And it's a waste of time, anyway. The encrypted email can't be read without the Magic Decoder Email. If you send them to the wrong destination, ol' Ted's PHI will STILL end up in the wrong hands. It will just take a little extra time to do so.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: For the most evolved species on the planet, you humans sure are stupid sometimes.
So how about instead of wasting all this money answering stupid questions from blue-hairs and whackos and no hablas, you send the money to me instead? I'll set up the 1-800-MOOSICARE hotline, and answer gynecological questions for women between the ages of eighteen and thirty. Isn't that a much better use of those hard-earned tax dollars?
No, don't thank me. It's the least I can do to give something back to those who have given me so many erections.
.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Kurt Busch Is An Asshole
So is Roger Penske.
I know. That's not news. What IS news is that NASCAR has announced that Kurt Busch will not be suspended for his little attempt to maim a jack-man.
Oh, they fined him 100 driver points and $100,000, and put him on probation for the remainder of the season. And gee, they also took 100 owner points away from Penske. But no suspension.
Their murky bullshit logic is that he sat out for the remainder of the Dover race, so he's already served something akin to a suspension. That's interesting rationalizing, except for the fact that his car was wrecked, so he wasn't going to be out on the track anyway.
But what's a pesky detail like that, when Kurt Busch got away scot-free with putting a man's life in danger? No, no, I don't want to hear the bullshit about the driver points and monetary fine. Those will teach Kurtsey nothing. He's a multi-millionaire, and the number of points lost wasn't sufficient to put him in a hole he can't climb out of.
So congratulations, Kurt. You are the new standard-bearer for what's acceptable behavior in NASCAR.
And you, Roger Penske... Shame, shame, SHAME on you. If you were any kind of owner, and any kind of man, you would have told Kurt to quit whining and suck it up. But instead, you went and sucked some NASCAR Honcho dick; begged, pleaded, threatened, cajoled, until they gave your sniveling, whiny ass its way. You must be so proud.
Loser.
NASCAR has a long and storied history of, um... differences of opinion between the various players. That sometimes led to such outcomes as fist fights in the garage. Hell, there was even a chick-fight last season, when Kurt Busch wrecked Greg Biffle at Texas Motor Speedway, and Biffle's woman went after Busch's. (Okay, that was some funny shit.)
But none of those scuffles, past or present, involved some psychotic mother-fucker trying to kill the jack-man. It's unprecedented in the sport.
And more to the point, NASCAR is changing. It's not strictly the province of redneck yahoos anymore. NASCAR has two choices: They can reject the new fans, and the shitload of cash that comes with them. Or they can embrace them, and understand that 85% of the fans thought Bat Ears Busch deserved a suspension.
The fans have a choice as well. We can actively work to change the sport, or we can stop following NASCAR. The big-titted secretary is in favor of everyone raising a united voice to take NASCAR in the direction it needs to go. I'm more inclined to tell them to kiss my hairy brown ass.
I guess since she's the one who does my typing for me, she wins. Wench.
Still, let's not gloss over what's really at issue here.
Jason Lee, crouched on the hood of a car, is what this is all about. Work to change NASCAR all you want, Little Miss Big Tits. But don't forget this incident when Kurt finally gets around to killing somebody.
.
I know. That's not news. What IS news is that NASCAR has announced that Kurt Busch will not be suspended for his little attempt to maim a jack-man.
Oh, they fined him 100 driver points and $100,000, and put him on probation for the remainder of the season. And gee, they also took 100 owner points away from Penske. But no suspension.
Their murky bullshit logic is that he sat out for the remainder of the Dover race, so he's already served something akin to a suspension. That's interesting rationalizing, except for the fact that his car was wrecked, so he wasn't going to be out on the track anyway.
But what's a pesky detail like that, when Kurt Busch got away scot-free with putting a man's life in danger? No, no, I don't want to hear the bullshit about the driver points and monetary fine. Those will teach Kurtsey nothing. He's a multi-millionaire, and the number of points lost wasn't sufficient to put him in a hole he can't climb out of.
So congratulations, Kurt. You are the new standard-bearer for what's acceptable behavior in NASCAR.
And you, Roger Penske... Shame, shame, SHAME on you. If you were any kind of owner, and any kind of man, you would have told Kurt to quit whining and suck it up. But instead, you went and sucked some NASCAR Honcho dick; begged, pleaded, threatened, cajoled, until they gave your sniveling, whiny ass its way. You must be so proud.
Loser.
NASCAR has a long and storied history of, um... differences of opinion between the various players. That sometimes led to such outcomes as fist fights in the garage. Hell, there was even a chick-fight last season, when Kurt Busch wrecked Greg Biffle at Texas Motor Speedway, and Biffle's woman went after Busch's. (Okay, that was some funny shit.)
But none of those scuffles, past or present, involved some psychotic mother-fucker trying to kill the jack-man. It's unprecedented in the sport.
And more to the point, NASCAR is changing. It's not strictly the province of redneck yahoos anymore. NASCAR has two choices: They can reject the new fans, and the shitload of cash that comes with them. Or they can embrace them, and understand that 85% of the fans thought Bat Ears Busch deserved a suspension.
The fans have a choice as well. We can actively work to change the sport, or we can stop following NASCAR. The big-titted secretary is in favor of everyone raising a united voice to take NASCAR in the direction it needs to go. I'm more inclined to tell them to kiss my hairy brown ass.
I guess since she's the one who does my typing for me, she wins. Wench.
Still, let's not gloss over what's really at issue here.
Jason Lee, crouched on the hood of a car, is what this is all about. Work to change NASCAR all you want, Little Miss Big Tits. But don't forget this incident when Kurt finally gets around to killing somebody.
.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
The Idiots At NASCAR
Seriously. The Powers That Be at NASCAR are either stupid, crazy, or on the take. There's no other explanation for what's going on.
Kurt Busch and Tony Stewart got into it at Dover. They were racing each other hard, and during a pass, they both ended up in the wall.
That's nothing new. Those two always race each other hard. Busch wrecked Stewart at Daytona this year, and they've had a few other less serious skirmishes along the way as well.
Both parties say the other is at fault. Looking at all the different camera angles, I'm inclined to say it's on Busch, or rather, on Busch's spotters. It's pretty obvious that he wasn't quite clear of Stewart when he headed back to the top.
Busch says Stewart should have given him some room, to which I say, "Bullshit."
But like most incidents of this nature, they should have scowled at each other, made some snarky comments to the press, and let it go. Problem is, Kurt Busch wouldn't. He pulled up beside Tony Stewart's car on pit road, lightly grazing it and almost hitting Stewart's jack-man.
Yes, you heard that right. If Jason Lee, who was inspecting the damage to Stewart's car when Busch came barreling in, hadn't seen him coming and jumped over the right front corner of the car, he would no longer be amongst the quick.
NASCAR made Busch sit out the rest of the race, and you can read what Stewart and his crew had to say about the incident here.
(Calling Busch a "bad apple" is kind of mild. I wish he'd ended up being called "found in the desert, bound and gagged, with a jack up his ass" instead. But I digress.)
So now, NASCAR is contemplating what penalty to issue Kurt Busch. Normally they would have made an announcement by now, but the race was rain-delayed until Monday, delaying the post-race meeting. Also, Bill France, the "father of modern NASCAR," passed away Sunday, and the focus of many in NASCAR was his pending memorial service. (Rest in peace, Bill.)
Anyway, NASCAR said they'd be announcing Busch's penalty late tonight. But they backed off on that, and now it's to be announced on Friday. The rumors on the internet are that he will be suspended for one race.
One race? ONE FUCKING RACE?!?! That better not be all he gets. To put this in perspective, take a look at this photo:
See that poor bastard on the hood of Stewart's car? He got there because he saw Busch coming, JUMPED FROM THE SIDE OF THE CAR WHERE HE WAS EXAMINING SHEET METAL DAMAGE TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR, then leapt up on the hood to shake his fist at Kurt Busch. (Congratulations to Tony Stewart's entire crew for exercising restraint. Well done, gentlemen.)
Busch could have killed Jason Lee. Or crushed his legs and made him a double amputee. If this incident happened in the Kroger parking lot, someone would be going to jail for assault or attempted murder. But it's NASCAR, so it only merits a one-race suspension? What the fuck?!?!
There are also rumors that the reason NASCAR is delaying the announcement about Busch's penalty is because Roger Penske, who swings a pretty big stick in the sport, is trying to talk them into an even lighter punishment than one race. If that's true, all I can say is, Penske is no Jack Roush. He - not NASCAR - parked Kurt Busch for two races for getting lippy with the cops after he was pulled over for speeding and suspected drunk driving.
Way to go, Jack. Roger could learn something from you.
Of course, it's also possible that it's the other way around: That Penske asked for more time, in order to assuage the #2 car's sponsor, Miller Lite. If that's the case, I hope they don't back down, and demand that Penske do something even if NASCAR won't.
Personally, I'm in favor of a lifetime ban. But I know that's not gonna happen. So how about a suspension for the rest of the season? Or maybe a six-race suspension, a multi-million dollar fine, 500 driver points, and an apology to Jason Lee?
Please, NASCAR... Don't treat this like it was no big deal. Because it WAS a big deal. Kurt Busch has amply demonstrated that he is a tragedy waiting to happen
.
Kurt Busch and Tony Stewart got into it at Dover. They were racing each other hard, and during a pass, they both ended up in the wall.
That's nothing new. Those two always race each other hard. Busch wrecked Stewart at Daytona this year, and they've had a few other less serious skirmishes along the way as well.
Both parties say the other is at fault. Looking at all the different camera angles, I'm inclined to say it's on Busch, or rather, on Busch's spotters. It's pretty obvious that he wasn't quite clear of Stewart when he headed back to the top.
Busch says Stewart should have given him some room, to which I say, "Bullshit."
But like most incidents of this nature, they should have scowled at each other, made some snarky comments to the press, and let it go. Problem is, Kurt Busch wouldn't. He pulled up beside Tony Stewart's car on pit road, lightly grazing it and almost hitting Stewart's jack-man.
Yes, you heard that right. If Jason Lee, who was inspecting the damage to Stewart's car when Busch came barreling in, hadn't seen him coming and jumped over the right front corner of the car, he would no longer be amongst the quick.
NASCAR made Busch sit out the rest of the race, and you can read what Stewart and his crew had to say about the incident here.
(Calling Busch a "bad apple" is kind of mild. I wish he'd ended up being called "found in the desert, bound and gagged, with a jack up his ass" instead. But I digress.)
So now, NASCAR is contemplating what penalty to issue Kurt Busch. Normally they would have made an announcement by now, but the race was rain-delayed until Monday, delaying the post-race meeting. Also, Bill France, the "father of modern NASCAR," passed away Sunday, and the focus of many in NASCAR was his pending memorial service. (Rest in peace, Bill.)
Anyway, NASCAR said they'd be announcing Busch's penalty late tonight. But they backed off on that, and now it's to be announced on Friday. The rumors on the internet are that he will be suspended for one race.
One race? ONE FUCKING RACE?!?! That better not be all he gets. To put this in perspective, take a look at this photo:
See that poor bastard on the hood of Stewart's car? He got there because he saw Busch coming, JUMPED FROM THE SIDE OF THE CAR WHERE HE WAS EXAMINING SHEET METAL DAMAGE TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR, then leapt up on the hood to shake his fist at Kurt Busch. (Congratulations to Tony Stewart's entire crew for exercising restraint. Well done, gentlemen.)
Busch could have killed Jason Lee. Or crushed his legs and made him a double amputee. If this incident happened in the Kroger parking lot, someone would be going to jail for assault or attempted murder. But it's NASCAR, so it only merits a one-race suspension? What the fuck?!?!
There are also rumors that the reason NASCAR is delaying the announcement about Busch's penalty is because Roger Penske, who swings a pretty big stick in the sport, is trying to talk them into an even lighter punishment than one race. If that's true, all I can say is, Penske is no Jack Roush. He - not NASCAR - parked Kurt Busch for two races for getting lippy with the cops after he was pulled over for speeding and suspected drunk driving.
Way to go, Jack. Roger could learn something from you.
Of course, it's also possible that it's the other way around: That Penske asked for more time, in order to assuage the #2 car's sponsor, Miller Lite. If that's the case, I hope they don't back down, and demand that Penske do something even if NASCAR won't.
Personally, I'm in favor of a lifetime ban. But I know that's not gonna happen. So how about a suspension for the rest of the season? Or maybe a six-race suspension, a multi-million dollar fine, 500 driver points, and an apology to Jason Lee?
Please, NASCAR... Don't treat this like it was no big deal. Because it WAS a big deal. Kurt Busch has amply demonstrated that he is a tragedy waiting to happen
.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
ODD - Now I've Officially Heard It All
ODD stands for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. You can read about it here.
You might want to wear a neck brace so you don't get whiplash from shaking your head so much.
Here's a partial list of symptoms from the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry website:
- frequent temper tantrums
- excessive arguing with adults
- active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
- deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
- blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
- often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
- frequent anger and resentment
- mean and hateful talking when upset
- seeking revenge
Somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but back in the day before everything was classified as a "syndrome" or "disorder," weren't kids like this referred to by a much simpler and more accurate term?
Oh, yes, I remember it now. They were called "spoiled brats."
Interestingly, ODD (what a great acronym!) only appears to affect children with crappy parents and children with weird parents. The normal, middle class families with two parents in the home seem to be able to get through childhood without being diagnosed with ODD, ADD, ADHD, borderline personality disorder, depression, or any other neuroses or psychoses.
I first heard of this ODD shit because part of my mission is to scour the internet for crazy stuff to make fun of. I stumbled upon a heart-wrenching tale of an only child whose parents are older, and proudly self-proclaimed non-conformists. They compare teachers and administrators at a school to the masters on a slave plantation.
This, of course, leads little Bratley to exercise a unique brand of non-conformism at school against the oppressors - defying them at every turn. That results in such interesting outcomes as the parents asking for "enrichment" work for Bratley, under the pretext that the spoiled brat behavior means their little precious darling isn't being "challenged."
I see a happy ending in this kid's future, either as a school shooter or a serial killer.
It's nice that some folks have the luxury of going "disorder shopping" to explain away their piss-poor parenting techniques. Unfortunately, by the time it's a full-blown "disorder," it is too late to fix it.
But here are some helpful hints from the Danny A. Moose Foundation For Brat Prevention anyway:
- Learn to say no, and mean it.
- Don't hesitate to give your kid a good spanking when he/she is out of control.
- Don't argue with your child. You are the parent. What you say goes.
- Save your New Age bullshit for your fellow hippies when you get together on Saturday nights to twist up a fattie. Conventional parenting is the only hope you have of raising reasonably normal children.
- Laugh loudly at any diagnosis that's just an excuse for your kid's awful behavior.
And if you do all this from the start, you might even end up with a child who does well in life.
Good luck.
Oh, and... You're welcome.
.
You might want to wear a neck brace so you don't get whiplash from shaking your head so much.
Here's a partial list of symptoms from the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry website:
- frequent temper tantrums
- excessive arguing with adults
- active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
- deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
- blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
- often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
- frequent anger and resentment
- mean and hateful talking when upset
- seeking revenge
Somebody correct me if I'm wrong, but back in the day before everything was classified as a "syndrome" or "disorder," weren't kids like this referred to by a much simpler and more accurate term?
Oh, yes, I remember it now. They were called "spoiled brats."
Interestingly, ODD (what a great acronym!) only appears to affect children with crappy parents and children with weird parents. The normal, middle class families with two parents in the home seem to be able to get through childhood without being diagnosed with ODD, ADD, ADHD, borderline personality disorder, depression, or any other neuroses or psychoses.
I first heard of this ODD shit because part of my mission is to scour the internet for crazy stuff to make fun of. I stumbled upon a heart-wrenching tale of an only child whose parents are older, and proudly self-proclaimed non-conformists. They compare teachers and administrators at a school to the masters on a slave plantation.
This, of course, leads little Bratley to exercise a unique brand of non-conformism at school against the oppressors - defying them at every turn. That results in such interesting outcomes as the parents asking for "enrichment" work for Bratley, under the pretext that the spoiled brat behavior means their little precious darling isn't being "challenged."
I see a happy ending in this kid's future, either as a school shooter or a serial killer.
It's nice that some folks have the luxury of going "disorder shopping" to explain away their piss-poor parenting techniques. Unfortunately, by the time it's a full-blown "disorder," it is too late to fix it.
But here are some helpful hints from the Danny A. Moose Foundation For Brat Prevention anyway:
- Learn to say no, and mean it.
- Don't hesitate to give your kid a good spanking when he/she is out of control.
- Don't argue with your child. You are the parent. What you say goes.
- Save your New Age bullshit for your fellow hippies when you get together on Saturday nights to twist up a fattie. Conventional parenting is the only hope you have of raising reasonably normal children.
- Laugh loudly at any diagnosis that's just an excuse for your kid's awful behavior.
And if you do all this from the start, you might even end up with a child who does well in life.
Good luck.
Oh, and... You're welcome.
.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Maybe He Just Needs A Baby Jesus Butt Plug
Okay, this is just WRONG. A lady that worked as an organist at a church for thirty-five years, essentially for free, has been fired from her job for making her living selling sex toys and other "love aids." The priest who fired her claims the products she sells are "not consistent with Church teachings."
--A Catholic priest has removed his church's organist and choir director from her duties saying her sale of sex toys was not ''consistent with Church teachings.''
Linette Servais, 50, played the organ and sung with the choir for 35 years. Much of her work as choir director and organist was done without pay. When her parish priest asked to meet with her, she thought it was to say thank you.
Instead, she was told to quit her sales job with company known as Pure Romance or she would lose her position in the church.
Pure Romance in Loveland, Ohio, is a $60 million per year business that sells spa products and sex toys at homes parties attended by women. It has 15,000 consultants like Servais.--
So let me get this straight. Catholics want people to have lots of sex, and make lots of little Catholic babies. But they object to the sale of devices and lotions and oils and such that might help women actually ENJOY all that baby-making sex.
Has it occurred to priests like Father Dombroski that if sex is a chore on par with scrubbing the toilets to a woman, she might not be willing to put out very often? Has it dawned on him that the Pure Romance folks are performing a valuable service, by helping women work through whatever issues they might have with their sexuality? Who the fuck are these women SUPPOSED to talk to about their questions and concerns? Their priest, who knows roughly as much about sex as I know about playing the trombone?
That was a shitty thing to do to this woman who has given her life to her church. But why should anyone be surprised? Catholic priests are the sick bastards who molest altar boys, or the even sicker bastards who cover it up.
I'm telling you, she really should anonymously send Father Dobroski a Baby Jesus butt plug. That'll fix what ails him. While she's at it, she needs to tie him up and make him watch The Dildo Song a hundred or so times.
WARNING!!! If you click these links, you will see pictures of adult toys, and hear a song about dildos. I shouldn't have warn people about shit like this, but I don't need the aggravation of getting hate mail saying "That was a link to a picture of a Baby Jesus butt plug!" Duh. What did you think it was? A link to a recipe for beef stroganoff?
On a completely unrelated note, I was doing some reading in preparation for tonight's season premier of Hell's Kitchen. I was kinda shocked to run across a story about a contestant from last season, Rachel Brown. Apparently she has passed away.
--Rachel Brown, a 41-year-old personal chef who competed on the second season of Fox's Hell's Kitchen, was reportedly found dead in her family home in Bedford, TX on Wednesday, May 9.--
As vague as the story is, I'm guessing suicide. But whatever happened, it's kind of freaky and sad.
Other top stories on that particular reality TV site include the tale of Baldwin vs. Bull.
--Stephen Baldwin learned just how real reality television can be when he was reportedly bucked to the ground by a bull while filming CMT's Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge last Thursday.
"I held on for about four jumps, and then I just ate a bunch of dirt," Baldwin told Reuters in a telephone interview Friday.
A safety helmet apparently didn't help Baldwin, as he told Reuters he suffered a broken left scapula as well as a broken rib when he "landed hard" and "got stepped on a little bit, too" during the training session that ended with his fall.
"We were supposed to be on these kind of dainty versions of [bulls] that weren't supposed to get too excited," he told Reuters. "But you never can tell what a bull's gonna do. So this particular one that I had kind of rose to the occasion."--
So in other words, it isn't just members of their own species that hate the Baldwin brothers. Pussyfied bulls hate them too. *snicker*
My jaw dropped when I saw who some of the other contestants are. Leif Garrett? He's been off the radar for about three decades. Vanilla Ice? Two decades. Rocket Ismail? Isn't that the dude who wrecked his career because he thought it was a good idea to play football in Canada instead of for the NFL? And the list gets less impressive from there.
The bottom of the barrel has officially been scraped. Baby Jesus butt plugs all around.
.
--A Catholic priest has removed his church's organist and choir director from her duties saying her sale of sex toys was not ''consistent with Church teachings.''
Linette Servais, 50, played the organ and sung with the choir for 35 years. Much of her work as choir director and organist was done without pay. When her parish priest asked to meet with her, she thought it was to say thank you.
Instead, she was told to quit her sales job with company known as Pure Romance or she would lose her position in the church.
Pure Romance in Loveland, Ohio, is a $60 million per year business that sells spa products and sex toys at homes parties attended by women. It has 15,000 consultants like Servais.--
So let me get this straight. Catholics want people to have lots of sex, and make lots of little Catholic babies. But they object to the sale of devices and lotions and oils and such that might help women actually ENJOY all that baby-making sex.
Has it occurred to priests like Father Dombroski that if sex is a chore on par with scrubbing the toilets to a woman, she might not be willing to put out very often? Has it dawned on him that the Pure Romance folks are performing a valuable service, by helping women work through whatever issues they might have with their sexuality? Who the fuck are these women SUPPOSED to talk to about their questions and concerns? Their priest, who knows roughly as much about sex as I know about playing the trombone?
That was a shitty thing to do to this woman who has given her life to her church. But why should anyone be surprised? Catholic priests are the sick bastards who molest altar boys, or the even sicker bastards who cover it up.
I'm telling you, she really should anonymously send Father Dobroski a Baby Jesus butt plug. That'll fix what ails him. While she's at it, she needs to tie him up and make him watch The Dildo Song a hundred or so times.
WARNING!!! If you click these links, you will see pictures of adult toys, and hear a song about dildos. I shouldn't have warn people about shit like this, but I don't need the aggravation of getting hate mail saying "That was a link to a picture of a Baby Jesus butt plug!" Duh. What did you think it was? A link to a recipe for beef stroganoff?
On a completely unrelated note, I was doing some reading in preparation for tonight's season premier of Hell's Kitchen. I was kinda shocked to run across a story about a contestant from last season, Rachel Brown. Apparently she has passed away.
--Rachel Brown, a 41-year-old personal chef who competed on the second season of Fox's Hell's Kitchen, was reportedly found dead in her family home in Bedford, TX on Wednesday, May 9.--
As vague as the story is, I'm guessing suicide. But whatever happened, it's kind of freaky and sad.
Other top stories on that particular reality TV site include the tale of Baldwin vs. Bull.
--Stephen Baldwin learned just how real reality television can be when he was reportedly bucked to the ground by a bull while filming CMT's Ty Murray's Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge last Thursday.
"I held on for about four jumps, and then I just ate a bunch of dirt," Baldwin told Reuters in a telephone interview Friday.
A safety helmet apparently didn't help Baldwin, as he told Reuters he suffered a broken left scapula as well as a broken rib when he "landed hard" and "got stepped on a little bit, too" during the training session that ended with his fall.
"We were supposed to be on these kind of dainty versions of [bulls] that weren't supposed to get too excited," he told Reuters. "But you never can tell what a bull's gonna do. So this particular one that I had kind of rose to the occasion."--
So in other words, it isn't just members of their own species that hate the Baldwin brothers. Pussyfied bulls hate them too. *snicker*
My jaw dropped when I saw who some of the other contestants are. Leif Garrett? He's been off the radar for about three decades. Vanilla Ice? Two decades. Rocket Ismail? Isn't that the dude who wrecked his career because he thought it was a good idea to play football in Canada instead of for the NFL? And the list gets less impressive from there.
The bottom of the barrel has officially been scraped. Baby Jesus butt plugs all around.
.
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